


When We Were Young

by Rainernight



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, High School
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:45:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 76,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainernight/pseuds/Rainernight
Summary: Jensen and I met when we were 17. I left him when I was 18. We found one another again at 19, 22, 23, 25, 29, 32 and again at 37.I fell in love when I was 17.And I never stopped.____This is  a Jensen Ackles Highschool fic that will eventually end up where we are now.





	1. Love Is After You

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Love Is After You**



I stepped out of the car, staring up at the large, pristine white, church building that sat before me. I sighed heavily, feeling the knot form in my stomach and the familiar anxiety rise in my chest. _Oh I can’t do this. I can't do this again._

“Stop that, Carmen. You'll be fine.” My twin brother Caleb said coming to stand by my side as he smacked my hands down from where I had been nervously wringing them in front of me without realising. I huffed, smoothing down the front of my pale pink dress. “Besides, Dad promised this would be the last move before we finish high school. Only one more year and we're out of here, Sis.” He grinned widely, throwing his arm casually over my shoulder.

 

“Hurry up you two, we're going to be late!” Mom waved her hand at us, her forehead lines appearing harsher since she was frowning. I watched my Father take the hand she had been waving at us in his own and her face immediately softened. I smiled. He was always the calm one in our family. Caleb was the extrovert, Mom was the worry-er and I was the emotional one.  _Train wreck more like._ Dad was our rock and we had spent our childhood following him around the country for his job.

 

But this, our senior year, we were promised we could stay and we'd somehow found ourselves in Dallas, Texas. Richmond to be exact. We'd never been to Dallas. It was Sunday so that meant church and family. The one day off a week my father was able to spend with us. My parents had raised us in the church. They would say it was the only constant they could provide us with, the constant of faith. We were never part of a church community for long but it gave us a sense of safety and it gave me a place to sing.

 

Singing was something I kept for church. I didn’t have the guts to sing anywhere else. Living in so many different places and failing to make friends didn’t make it easy to show anyone I came across who I was or what I could do. _Not that I would._ So I kept it for praise.

 

Caleb and I followed my parents up the church steps and quickly through the double doors that were only seconds away from being closed. We were the last ones in.

 

“Come in, come in. There are some seats up here in the second row, you’re right on time.” The minister called through his microphone, waving us forward. I gasped at the various faces that had turned to witness our arrival and hid behind Caleb. “Come in, don't be shy. Welcome, welcome.”

 

My parents ushered us into the row and I sat down as quick as I could, keeping my eyes trained down as my brother took the seat beside me. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks and I shook my hair to fall around me like a safety curtain. The service started and I had just gotten myself calmed down when we were asked to stand and sing. The familiar piano cords of ‘Lord I Lift Your Name On High' rang out through the sound system and I clasped my hands in front of me, running my thumb along my skin comfortingly as I so often did.

 

I began to sing, letting the words and music flow through me. I let my eyes close and my head fell back as I sung. And then I felt it. The overwhelming feeling that someone was watching me. I opened my eyes and turned to my brother. _No, not him._ He was watching the band play as were my parents.

 

I then turned to my left, my singing stopped and my breath left my body in a gasp. I frowned at the boy standing next to me, towering over me from his great height. My reaction made him smile. _As if he could  look any more attractive._ His green eyes sparkled at me as he leaned even closer in towards me, invading my personal space without permission. And I was so struck dumb I let him.

 

“Sorry for scaring you.” His voice was deep but soft. The light behind his eyes reflecting through his words playfully. He grinned down at me again. _Only god knows how my face must look right now._ “You’re new here.” He didn’t ask. It was a statement.

 

I nodded. Tucking my hair behind my ear to hear him over the singing. Not that that was much of a problem, I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to. _I didn’t want to._

 

“I'm Jensen, Jensen Ackles.” He held his hand out between us in the small space he wasn’t invading. “You sing beautifully by the way.” He added.

 

I blushed at his compliment and looked down to his hand, finally getting a look at the rest of him. He was wearing a long sleeved crisp white button down shirt, cream dress pants, brown belt and brown dress shoes. He looked like an American dream. _All blond floppy hair and perfect teeth._ I hesitantly lifted my hand, pressing it into his. “Carmen Guilford.” I smiled politely, not wanting to be rude.

 

He shook my hand, squeezing gently before he let my hand go, turning back towards the front. I watched him for a moment longer, hearing his voice sing along to the words I somehow could no longer remember. _He can sing too? Who is this person!_  I watched the corner of his mouth lift up in amusement and his eyes flickered towards me and I quickly looked away, shaking my hair out again to shield me. I heard his soft chuckle and felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. _Good job, Carmen. Embarrass yourself in front of the cute boy at church on your first day in town. Well done._

 

The rest of the service didn't get much better. I had kept myself hidden behind my hair for the most part but curiosity had gotten the better of me and I had peeked out at Jensen a few times. Both times he had caught me. _Because I have zero tact when it comes to boys._

 

Moving around so often barely gave me time to make friends let alone form a romance with someone. It had of course crossed my mind, I wanted to fall in love. But as with most things in my life fear and lack of confidence had stopped me before I'd even thought of trying.

 

Jensen’s shoulder rubbed against me then and I looked up, my hair falling away from my face. I noticed people had started to mill around, talking to one another and I realized the service has finished. I had managed to spend an entire church service inside my head. _Had I missed a good sermon? Did I miss any good songs? Did I even sing? How had this happened?_

“Carmen!?” I turned to the voice next to me and into the scarily familiar green eyes of Jensen Ackles. “I asked if you and your family were sticking around for the cook out?”

 

I shook my head in confusion. “Cook out?”

 

He smiled, standing up and I found myself doing the same. “Yeah, the community gets together one Sunday a month and we set up the grill and we play games. There’s a field out back by the lake. You should tell your family and come along.” His attention was pulled away from me and he waved at someone. I looked up seeing a pretty blonde, waiting for him at the end of our row. “Come along.” He moved to walk away, his hand lifting to the small of my back as he found my eyes again. “You'll come along?” he asked again. He was so close to me again I could feel his breath on my face.

 

I nodded involuntarily, dazzled by his charm and his distracting hand on my back.

 

His face split into a massive grin and I felt myself smiling back. “I’ll see you shortly. I'll come and find you.” And with that he was gone. I watched him walk over to the pretty blonde who pulled him into a hug and I immediately felt stupid. _Of course he has a girlfriend, he looks like a model, why wouldn’t he have a girlfriend?_

I sat back down, feeling deflated and stupid when a hand on my arm bought me back to reality. “Come on, Carmen. There’s a barbeque happening out back and Mom and Dad want to stay and meet people. Let's go, I'm starved.” And I let myself be dragged out of the church and into the sunshine.

 

_Lord, save me._

 

********************

I squinted into the early afternoon sunshine, trying to get my bearings. As Caleb led me towards the back of the church I could smell the cooking already and my stomach rumbled. We'd had to skip breakfast because we were running so late. Caleb let my hand go, mumbling something about soda and chips and he ventured off, immediately joining a group by the cooler who laughed loudly at something he said. He was always good at making friends no matter where we went. My charismatic twin. The bravest part of me. I looked out over the scene, suddenly feeling very alone.

 

I spotted a swing attached to one of the large trees that overlooked the small lake and made my way over, watching my white Mary Jane’s dredge through the grass. I hated dressing for church. Sunday bests and all that rubbish. I sat down in the swing, hearing the voices drift along in the wind as I kicked off the ground with my feet.

 

I began to hum to myself, trying to drown out the chatter when a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts.

 

“I told you I’d find you.” I sat up, craning my head to see Jensen standing a few feet from me, his sleeves now rolled up to his elbows. “I bought you a soda.” He smiled, shaking the cans at me before he placed them beside the tree.

 

“Thank you, Jensen.” I smiled politely in return while reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear.

 

He shrugged my thanks off and stepped behind me out of view. I tried to turn to see where he went when I felt his hands at my lower back where he grasped me, pulling me back towards him before pushing me away.  _Is he pushing me on a swing right now like some kind of cheesy movie?_

 

I kicked my legs out, giving him a hand. I didn’t want to be rude. Besides, it’s not every day a cute boy wants to push me on a swing.

 

“So Carmen Guilford. What’s your story then?” he asked playfully. I could imagine the grin on his face as he said it. It's like his voice could smile.

 

“My story? I’m afraid I don't have a story.” I said coyly, looking out over the lake again.

 

“Excuse my French would you? But that is total B.S Miss. Everyone has a story.”

 

I shrugged, trying not to focus on the heat coming from his hands. “I’m not a very interesting person.” As soon as the words had left my lips I felt a sudden tug on the ropes and before I knew it he’d completely stilled me. He came around one side of the swing, hanging on the ropes with one hand, the other tucked into his pocket.

 

“That’s insulting not just to you but to me as well.” He was frowning at me but his eyes were still laughing. “I happen to only like the company of interesting people so by association alone you have to be interesting. Where are you from for starters?”

 

I climbed up off the swing, stifling a laugh when he stumbled at the loss of me weighing down the rope. “Nowhere. Everywhere.” I shrugged, going over to grab the sodas.

 

“That's awfully mysterious for someone who’s not very interesting.” He teased.

 

I turned to him and poked my tongue out. _Rather bravely might I add._ I handed him a soda and he gestured for us to go for a walk along the path that circled the lake. I followed along beside him, popping my soda and taking a sip before speaking. “We've moved around a lot, my family and I. We haven’t stayed in the same place for longer than six months. If I didn’t know my dad’s job I would think we were on the run.” I laughed to myself.

 

“You’re not on the run are you?” I looked up at him and he was laughing silently.

 

“Ha Ha.” I deadpanned. “No he's  a business consultant. I don’t know the ins and outs of it, all I know is this is the first year we get to stay in one place. No more moving trucks and long road trips. No more new schools.” I grinned up at him and he was already smiling.

 

“You're going to school around here? What year are you in?”

 

“I'm a senior.  My brother is also. We start at Berkner tomorrow.” He stopped in his tracks, looking at me with shocked eyes before a huge smile broke out across his beautiful face. _Beautiful? Yes. Beautiful._

“Berkner? You’re coming to Berkner? I go to Berkner! I'll be a senior as well!” he exclaimed.

 

I felt my stomach flip and his smile was so infectious I couldn’t help but return it. “Well I guess I'll see you there then.”

 

We fell into a comfortable silence and continued to casually stroll around the lake. “So that was your brother you were sitting next to? You look so similar.”

 

I nodded, stopping to take a seat on a nearby park bench. “We're twins. Not identical thankfully. He's the better half of me. The braver half of me anyway.”

 

“I happen to think you’re pretty brave actually.” I looked over at him with one eyebrow raised in question .  “Well wandering off with a total stranger who you just met. I think that’s pretty brave.”

 

He was right of course. But it was then that I also realised what I'd done. Walking off somewhere I don’t know with someone I don’t know.

 

“I can see you panicking.” I looked up at him and he reached out. “If I tell you something about me will that make me less of a stranger?” I nodded but didn’t trust there to be no panic in my voice so I stayed quiet. “Well I’ve lived in Texas my whole life. I have an older brother and a younger sister who are around here somewhere. I play basketball, lacrosse and do cheerleading. And I’m in the drama club.”

 

_Wow. Extra curricular activities. A foreign world to me._

 

“What else...” he thought out loud.

 

“Your girlfriend...” I said without even thinking about it. He caught my eyes, a frown forming on his face.

 

“Girlfriend?” he questioned.  His smile fading with confusion.

 

I shrugged, looking away from him. “The pretty blonde.” My eyes flickered back to his face as realization dawned across his features.

 

“You mean Kara? Kara is not my girlfriend.”

 

“Oh, which one is then?” I asked, looking back towards the field.

 

Jensen laughed gently, running his hand through his hair. “I don’t have a girlfriend, Carmen. So you're not going to find her over there.”

 

It was my turn to be confused now. “You don’t have a girlfriend?”

 

He laughed again, shaking his head before draining the last of his soda.

 

“But how can you not have a girlfriend? You're gorgeous.” As soon the words left my mouth I wanted to dive into the lake and drown myself. _Since when do I just say what’s on my mind?_

He stared at me a moment before he threw his head back with a full belly laugh.

 

I threw my empty soda into the trash can next to me and covered my face with my hands. “Oh my goodness.” I groaned into my palms. “I can’t believe I just said that.” I mumbled.

 

When his laughter had subsided to giggles I felt his fingers trying to pry my hands away from my face. “It's okay, Carmen. Don't be embarrassed.”

 

“I'm mortified.” With one last tug he pulled my hands down, holding them in his own.

 

He smiled softly at me and my eyes searched his face for signs of rejection or disgust. None were visible. “Please don’t be embarrassed about being honest. I could never fault anyone for that.” He let one of my hands go and reached up, his index finger gently running over the heat in my cheek. “You're beautiful when you blush.” He whispered, his eyes following his fingers before returning to my own. I watched his tongue flick out and wet his bottom lip and I felt my stomach flip again.

 

Then a loud bell rang out and he pulled back. I hadn’t even realized he was leaning in.

 

“Oh, that'll be lunch.” He stood reaching a hand out towards me. “My parents will want me to join them. Yours too no doubt?”

 

 _He was right._ I took his hand and he changed which hand was holding mine and tucked my fingers into the crook of his elbow.

 

“Let’s go eat. I’m starving.” He began to ramble on about this and that as we made our way back to the rest of the group. But I wasn’t listening. All I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears.

 

_He thinks I’m beautiful._

_Lord, save me._

“There you are, I made you a plate.” Caleb came over to meet us, a plate in each hand. “Mom and Dad sent me to look for you. We grabbed a table.” I watched my brother size up Jensen whose easy smile never faltered. They were both of similar heights and build so I'm not sure what the point of it was.

 

“Sorry,” I interrupted, bringing his attention back to me. “Jensen and I went for a walk.” I turned to Jensen, disconnecting my hand from around his arm. “Thank you, Jensen. Enjoy your lunch.”

 

He bowed his head and winked at me. “Pleasure was all mine. Carmen.” He nodded his head towards ne then turned to my brother. “Caleb.” He nodded again then walked off towards the food table. I watched him go and was only pulled from my trance by my brother clearing his throat.

 

“Sorry, what?” I shook my head and met his eyes which were dancing with amusement. “What?!” I snapped again.

 

“Nice to see you made a friend, Carmen.” He teased, gesturing for me to follow him.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Sure you are.” I waved him off and followed him to where we were sitting. “Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” I kissed my parents cheeks before sitting down. They introduced me to the family they had made friends with who lived a few streets away from ours and we ate in friendly silence.

 

I was on my last bite of pasta salad when a hand came over my shoulder, depositing what looked like a chocolate cupcake beside my plate. I frowned at it before looking up at the owner of the arm.

 

“Oh, hello again.” I smiled up at Jensen grabbing blindly for my napkin to wipe my mouth.

 

“Hey, I noticed the chocolate ones were running out so I thought I'd bring you one before they're all gone.” He really was beautiful. He turned towards my parents and I watched the charm practically exude from every pore in his body. “Mr and Mrs Guilford, my name is Jensen Ackles. I’m afraid I was the one responsible for stealing your daughter earlier. I took her for a walk by the lake.” He shook my Father's hand and my Mother couldn't stop smiling. He talked with my Father for a few moments and had him laughing about something I wasn’t familiar with. I wasn’t very good at listening when Jensen was around. Or thinking straight for that matter.

 

“It was a pleasure to meet you Jensen. I believe we met your parents earlier. Aren't you just the most charming young man.” If my Mother swooned anymore I’m sure she’d follow him around the lake too.

 

“Why thank you Ma'am. I see your daughter gets her good looks from you.” Jensen winked at my Mother then turned to me, shrugging his shoulders at my shocked expression. “I must leave you now. My parents will be expecting me. Guilfords.” He nodded and then he was gone. I watched after him before turning back to my plate. Every eye at the table was on me, knowing smiles planted on every single face.

 

“He's too much, right?” I laughed dryly, going back to my food. I ignored the comments and suggestive smiles around me and eyed the cupcake. _My cupcake,_ I thought to myself before pulling it closer to my plate protectively.

 

 

I sat under the shade of a tree with Caleb, letting my food digest. A group of kids were throwing a football around and I watched with vague interest as they flung the ball backwards and forwards. My eyes then wandered to the new comer who had joined the group. Barefoot with his pants rolled up to his knees, his button down abandoned now revealing a white undershirt and glistening skin. Jensen.

 

I sat up, suddenly interested in the game happening in front of me. I watched as he ran between the group’s of people, laughing as he grabbed the ball from a taller kid and ran a few steps before getting tackled to the ground.

 

“JENSEN!!” I heard a cry from across the field and the girl he had called Kara came running onto the field, dropping to her knees beside Jensen. I felt a pang of jealousy hit me and I slumped back against the tree, lifting the cupcake I'd put in a box for safe keeping onto my lap.

 

“She's his ex, you know?” Caleb said, catching my attention.

 

“Excuse me?” I asked, without even looking up.

 

“Kara. She’s Jensen’s ex. They broke up over summer.”

 

I looked up again and watched Jensen help Kara off the grass. She flung her arms around his neck and I wanted to throw up. “They make a nice couple.”

 

Caleb scoffed at that. “You didn’t have to talk to her. She's vile.” I looked over at him.

 

“Oh Yeah?”

 

He nodded reaching over to pat my leg. “Trust me Sis, you have nothing to worry about. That girl is bat crap crazy. She is no competition.”

 

I scoffed, shaking my head at his insinuation. “Wouldn’t matter anyway. I am not that boys type.” I glanced back over to them. Jensen had rolled down his pant legs again and Kara was awkwardly helping to rub the grass stains off his trouser leg.

 

“Trust me Sis. I saw the way he looked at you. You don’t look at girls who aren’t your type like he looked at you.” Caleb pushed himself off the ground. He held his out to me and pulled me into a standing position. “Let's go get Mom and Dad, I'm sure we all have more unpacking to do before school tomorrow.  I don’t even know where my backpack is.” He threw his arm over my shoulder but I couldn’t stop wondering.

 

_How did he look at me?_

We headed towards the car discussing all the things we had to do the rest of the afternoon.

 

“Carmen!” I turned, already knowing who was calling me. Jensen was jogging over, his white button down now covering him again although less buttoned now. “You're leaving?”

 

I nodded. I watched him wave to my family who were getting into the car before his attention came back to me. “Yeah, we have to unpack and get ready for school tomorrow. Although I'm  sure we'll have boxes everywhere for the next 3 days.”

 

He smiled and nodded knowingly as he ran a hand through his hair. “It was nice getting to talk to you today. I was going to come and hang out with you again but I got busy.” He shrugged.

 

“No matter. Thank you for the cupcake once again. I’m going to save it for dessert later.” I tapped the box in my hand and his eyes smiled too.

 

“You're very welcome. So, I'll see you at school tomorrow?” he asked, reaching a finger up to touch my forearm gently.

I nodded.

 

“Good.” He took a step back. “Have a good night, Carmen Guilford.” He bowed again, something that was quite common for him. Might have been his Texan charm.

 

“You too, Jensen Ackles.” I turned back towards the car, waving at him as I went. I climbed into the car and looked back out at Jensen who was still waving with his hand in his pocket, looking like a model once again. I waved again then let my hair cascade around me.

 

“Looks like you made a new friend.” My Dad said, eyeing me in the rear-view. I shrugged and smiled shyly.

 

“Yeah, I think you might be right.”

 

_Today, I made my first friend._

**_To be continued..._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: So here it is. Im not sure how long this will be and it will eventually meet up with current time. I love highschool Jensen, he was so smol.
> 
> Comment and let me know what you think, comments are like writing fuel.
> 
> -R


	2. Do Something Pretty While You Can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First Day of Senior Year.

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Do Something Pretty While You Can**



 

You'd think for someone who had experienced more than anyone's fair share of ‘First Day's’ that I would've  been more than comfortable knowing I was about to do it all over again. _Right? Wrong!_

 

I hated the first day of school. It was okay when I was younger because there was less pressure to fit in and make friends and not be a weird awkward outcast, but that wasn’t the case with high school, as I'd learned the hard way with the last 5 schools I'd been forced to go to.

 

I tied my hair back with a purple scrunchy before pulling on my light blue denim jacket over my flower patterned dress. I tucked my feet into my white converse sneakers and tied them quickly. I grabbed my backpack, slinging it over my shoulder giving my reflection one last pass over.

 

“Come on, Carmen!” Caleb interrupted from my doorway where he stood smooth and confident leaning against the frame. “We can’t miss the bus on the first day. And the pop tarts just finished.” He winked at me before walking towards the stairs. “You look great by the way!” he yelled back before I heard his elephant feet take off down the stairs.

 

I shook my head at my reflection with a shy smile. “Here we go again.” I said to myself before leaving my room.

 

 

“Would you stop fidgeting? You look fine.” Caleb snapped as I ruffled my dress and tightened my ponytail for the hundredth time between our house and the bus stop at the end of the street. “Is it Jensen that’s got you all a mess?”

 

I stopped, frowning at him. He stopped as well, rolling his eyes at me. “What would Jensen have to do with anything?”

 

Caleb smirked and reached out to me, pulling me under his arm as he kept us moving. “Nothing. You just don't normally primp this much before school that's all. Besides, he doesn’t catch the bus.”

 

My heart sank but I didn’t let him in on that. “Oh?” I asked trying to sound disinterested.

 

He laughed and nodded his head. “He brought a car with his model earnings about 6 months ago. He only lives a few streets over.” _Model earnings? I knew it._

 

“How do you know this? Are you his biggest fan now?” I pushed him away as I took a seat against the wall a few feet away from where a few younger kids were standing around nervously. Caleb perched next to me.

 

“No. Kara was very quick to brag to me about him. I don’t think she’s as over him as she might like to think.”

 

I shifted uncomfortably, wondering how I could prod him for more information without looking like I cared. “I don't care about Jensen. Or Kara for that matter.” I lied as the bus pulled around the corner. I sighed heavily, moving to stand in line ahead of Caleb.

 

“You might be able to lie to yourself Sis, but you can't lie to me.” Caleb grinned into my ear before he pushed past me onto the bus. I shook my head at my twins stupidity and climbed aboard. And immediately I remembered where I was. I trained my eyes on Caleb’s back as he moved down the aisle and I shifted my ponytail so it swung around me, hiding my face. I sat down quickly and quietly beside Caleb and tried to block out the whispering voices around me.

 

I’m not sure how long we were on the bus for when I heard Caleb sigh in my ear. “What?” I whispered looking up at him. He nodded towards the door and I looked up. “Oh no.” I put my head down again and heard Caleb laugh.

 

“Hi Caleb!” An overly energetic female voice interrupted, sounding like she was getting closer.

 

“Good Morning, Kara! How are you?” I frowned over at him from under my hair wondering how he could sound so genuinely interested and he reached down, pinching my leg, the smile on his face never faltering.

 

“I’m great, thank you so much for asking! Oh! This must be your sister, right?” She was in front of us now. I looked up at her, shifting my hair away so I could actually get a proper look. I could see why Jensen liked her. She was pretty. Very pretty. Obviously pretty. The same way he was. The kind of attractive that punches you in the face and imprints itself on your retinas. Yeah, she was that pretty. Perfect teeth, shiny blond hair and piercing blue eyes. “You're Carmen right? Jensen was telling me about you.”

 

Her eyes wandered my face and then made their way down my body, judging me, sizing me up. I kept my head high although I wanted to shrink and disappear. “It's nice to meet you, Kara.” I have her a small smile and held her eyes until she lost interest in me and turned back to Caleb, babbling about something I didn't care about. I didn’t pay attention until I heard her mention Jensen again.

 

“Jensen was on the team last year and he said yesterday that he was going to come to try outs after school.” Kara seriously didn’t shut up.

 

“Jensen does cheerleading?” Caleb questioned, looking over at me.

 

I thought it over for a second and then remembered.  “Yes, he does. He did mention something about it yesterday.” I said softly.

 

Caleb nodded, seeming surprised at that fact. “Will we be seeing you at tryouts this year, Carmen?”

 

My eyes snapped to hers, noticing the malice and annoyance in her tone. “Definitely not.” I told her and she grinned at my response. A part of me wished I could say yes but there was not a bone in my body that could ever cheerlead.

 

“That’s probably for the best. I mean, it’s good for everyone to figure out where they belong in the school system you know? Where they belong and who they belong with.” Her eyes were daggers into mine and I knew she was talking about Jensen. Marking him as hers without saying the words. “Would hate for anyone to get hurt, am I right? I’ll see you around Caleb. Hey, Tracey!!” And before I knew it she was gone.

 

I felt my hands shaking and I clasped them together on my lap, running my thumb along my skin as I often did for comfort. I let my eyes close to control my breathing and felt a hand fold over mine. I looked up into the eyes of my brother. “She's right, Caleb.”

 

He shook his head, frowning at me as he gave my hand a squeeze. “She's not, Carmen. You’ve been here a day and she’s threatened by you. She sees you as competition. After only a day. You are exactly where you belong, Sis. Don't listen to her.” He gave my hand one last squeeze before going back to look out the window.

 

_Competition? Was I honestly a threat to Her? And was I willing to let her win?_

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



I climbed off the bus and looked up at the school building, feeling my heart in my throat.

 

“Come on. The office is this way.” Caleb pointed towards the main doors of the building. It was as we were crossing the grass area out the front of the building when my thoughts were once again interrupted by loud music. Loud classic rock music. The eyes of nearly everyone out the front were trained on the road and everyone had stopped to watch the red truck roll towards the building and the carpark out front. “One guess who that is.” Caleb laughed watching as the mysterious driver pulled quickly into a park and a group of people, that included my number 1 fan Kara, surrounded the truck.

 

I watched the driver slide from the car, backpack slung easily over his shoulder.  “Of course it is.” I rolled my eyes. “Can’t he just catch the bus like normal people?” I rolled my eyes again, kicking the ground with my foot.

 

“He's staring at you.” Caleb said and my head snapped up to his, and then over to where Jensen was. He was right.

 

In the sea of popular people, pretty people and friends he had probably had for years and those 2 green eyes were looking right at me.

 

I reached up for my ponytail and toyed with it nervously, lifting my other hand to wave to him. His mouth curved into a smile and his hand raised; but half way up Kara was there, pressing her back into his palm as she took his place against his side. It was like getting punched in the gut.

 

My hand dropped to my side and his smile disappeared but his eyes stayed on me. I could tell he was trying to tell me something with that look. But all I could hear in my head was Kara’s voice. I shook my head at him and smiled painfully turning back to my brother who was already looking at me with pity in his eyes.

 

“Carmen...” Caleb began but I put my hand up, shaking my ponytail back around my head.

 

“Don't. I know where I belong Caleb.” And without another word I stalked my way into the building and away from Jensen.

 

  * * * * * * * * * * *



“Come on. Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me.” I placed my forehead against the beige locker in front of me, fisting the paper with my locker password in my hand. “Not today. Not when everyone's staring at me.” I pushed off the locker, turning and resting my back against it, trying to avoid the curious gazes of everyone who walked past me.

 

My eyes then fell on someone heading down the hallway, laughing at something his friend was saying to him and I turned, tugging on the locker again but to no avail.

 

“Why does this always happen to me?” I sighed, pressing my forehead against the smooth metal again.

 

“Having some trouble Miss Guilford?” I heard the easily recognizable and playful tone of Jensen Ackles question from behind me. I shook my head, reaching out blindly behind me to wave him away.

 

“I’m fine. I planned on getting the only malfunctioning locker in the entire building on my first day at a new school.” I deadpanned. My stomach fluttered at the laugh he gifted me in return. _Kill me now._

 

“Let me see.” His hand met the small of my back and it felt like my skin was on fire from where he touched me. I turned over, leaning against the locker beside mine and held up the password. “These lockers have minds of their own.” He muttered as he punched in the password he took and jiggled it a few times. And with one last pull it fell open.

 

I frowned at the locker and then back at him. He was grinning proudly at me as he lifted the password up to me.  I snatched it off him and scowled. “I hate you.” I pushed him gently out of the way and pulled my bag around to put my books away.

 

“You're welcome.” He teased before putting himself on my other side, leaning against the locker to my left. “Look Carmen...”

 

“Don't!” I snapped. “I know what you’re going to say and you don’t need to. Kara already told me you guys were back together and...”

 

“Wait, she told you we were back together?” He stood up, frowning angrily at me.

 

I looked up at him. “ Was she not meant to?”

 

“No she wasn't  meant to!” he shook his head, tucking his hand into his pocket. He leaned in closer to me. “Because it’s not true, Carmen. I don't know what she said to you or what she's been saying but none of it is true.” I slung my bag onto my shoulder and grabbed my English book for my first class after home room. I closed my locker, turning towards him, mimicking his pose. He moved in even closer still. “Look, we were together I’m not going to lie and I broke up with her over summer. She's a better friend than whatever it was that we were. We were only together for a few months. I thought she’d move on like she has from past boyfriends but that hasn’t happened. It hasn't been long so I’m hoping she gets a clue. Look,” he reached out, touching the skin of my wrist where his hand tucked up under my jacket. “Whatever she's told you is a lie okay? Only listen to me.”

 

I nodded at him, hearing and feeling the sincerity in his voice. “Walk me to home room?”

 

His eyes lit up at my request and he turned, offering his arm as he had the day before.

 

“So everything Kara told me is a lie?” I questioned as we walked.

 

Jensen nodded looking down at me. “I swear, Carmen.”

 

I smirked up at him. “So you're not trying out for cheerleading after school?” I stopped outside my homeroom and smiled up at him, pulling my hand back to face him.

 

His mouth fell open at what I asked and then he smirked sardonically at the smile on my face. “You’re making fun of me. That’s cute.” He reached up, running a hand down my neck, pulling me unexpectedly towards his chest.

 

“Is this supposed to be a hug?” I asked from where I was crushed into his chest face first. I moved my head so I could look up at him. “Because not to be judgemental but this isn’t high on my hug top 10.”

 

“It’s not a hug. It’s a warning. Don’t tease me or I'll crush you into my nipple.” He laughed letting me go. _Boy he smells so good._ “And yes actually I will be trying out. I like cheerleading.”

 

“You’ve got school spirit.” I teased again, shaking invisible pompoms in my free hand.

 

“ Ha ha.” The first bell rang and he frowned. “I’ve got to go. My homeroom is on the other side of the building.”

 

“ Oh my goodness.  I’ve held you up. Go, you'll  be late.” I took a step back, hoping the physical would help and break away from the mental.

 

He shrugged at me. “Don’t stress. All the teachers love me.” He winked. He moved in towards me and then hesitated. “As a pre-warning I am actually going to hug you this time. So get ready.”

 

I rolled my eyes at him, and let him pull me against him again. I let my head fall to the side pressing my cheek to his chest. I ran my hand up his back feeling his shirt move up an inch and my hand fell on his bare skin. I felt him gasp and then shudder around me and I giggled pulling away.

 

He shook his head looking down at me. “Miss Guilford. I’ll find you at lunch.” And with a wave and a wink I watched him walk away.

 

_I am in so much trouble._

  * _* * * * * * * * * *_



 

Lunch came around quicker than I’d expected. My classes had gone as they usually do. I unsurprisingly was yet to make any friends. And apparently my brother and I had been the topic of conversation and I’d tried my best to avoid the eyes that watched me where ever I went.

 

At lunch I made my way to the cafeteria and to the lunch line where I grabbed a tray. I stood staring at the back of the large boy who stood in front of me when there was a surge in the line and a voice yelling.

 

“HEY ACKLES! THERE'S NO CUTTTING!” I turned at the mention of his name to see him jumping over the pole a few people back.

 

“I’M NOT CUTTING IN, I'M  JOINING! CALM DOWN MILES!” Jensen shouted back. He reached between 2 juniors and grabbed a tray, winking at the females who looked like they may pass out.

 

I shook my head as he headed towards me. “Mr. Ackles.” I smirked, looking up at him from the corner of my eye. “You sure do know how to make an entrance, have I told you that?”

 

He shrugged, falling into line behind me. “I told you I'd find you. And here I am. I’m a man of my word, Miss Guilford.”

 

I shook my head and grabbed a slice of pizza off the counter and an apple and a muffin. I grabbed a bottle of water and paid for my food. I stood to the side patiently waiting for Jensen to pay and stop flirting with the lunch lady. He turned to me and before I could protest he had grabbed my tray for me, carrying it with ease.

 

“This way.” He floated between the cafeteria tables like a dance saying hello to practically everyone he saw by name. He led us out the door into the outdoor courtyard and over to a table along the far wall were he could see everyone and even more importantly they could see him.

 

He gestured to the seat opposite him, positioning my tray down for me. I climbed over the bench seat and put my bag down beside me. I took a small bite of pizza, watching him as he practically devoured his. “Hungry?”

 

He grinned with food in his mouth.

 

“Ew. You’re so attractive.” I took another bite and watched as he took a sip of his milk.

 

“I'm a growing boy, okay? I need my energy.”

 

I shook my head at him. “How was your morning anyway?”

 

He rolled his eyes, swallowing his food before speaking. “ I had a talk with Kara in chemistry.”

 

It was my turn to swallow heavily. “Oh?”

 

He smiled at the hesitation in my voice. “I just gave her a warning. We're not together anymore and I don't want her spreading lies about me. Not to anyone. But especially not to you. She knows how I feel about you so you don’t have to worry about her anymore.”

 

I licked my lips clean of the cheese I’d been chewing on and looked at him. “What do you mean how you feel about me?”

 

His eyes went wide at my question and he blushed.

 

I smiled at his reaction, reaching out to rub his wrist as he had done to me earlier. “Mr. Ackles...” I whispered. His eyes met mine and his blush increased. “You're blushing Mr. Ackles.”

 

He poked his tongue out at me and turned his wrist so he was holding my fingers gently. “I like you.” He whispered in return, stealing all the air from my lungs. “I just met you yesterday. But I like you. I’m sorry if that’s too forward or if that’s scary to hear. But I do...I like you.”

 

I blushed at his honesty. And smiled softly. “Honesty. I could never fault you for that.” I stole his words from the day before and he nodded at my use of them. “And I like you too. But, don't tell anyone. I don’t want the people of Berkner to think I have a soft spot for you.”

 

I withdrew my wrist, picking at my pizza again.

 

We finished lunch and Jensen offered to show me around the rest of the school.  We wandered the halls and I watched him in his element, talking about drama class and his sports. He told me he was going to run for class captain and tryout again for the basketball and lacrosse teams.

 

“You sure do live a busy life Jensen.” I said, stopping outside of the gymnasium, which was my next class. My eyes glanced over the team photos on the wall and I found Jensen in a few of them, pointing him out. “Is that why you and Kara broke up? You don’t have time for a girlfriend?”

 

He reached for me and I turned to him, letting his hand fall to my hip. “I would make time for you.” His thumb rubbed dreamy circles on my hip bone and I looked up into his eyes. “Let me take you out this week?”

 

I tilted my head to the side. “Take me out? Are you asking me out on a date?”

 

He nodded. He swallowed thickly and looked nervous for the first time since I’d met him. “Say yes.”

 

The bell rang and I knew the now empty corridor would be full at any moment. “Yes. On one condition?”

 

He grinned at me, moving his hand to the small of my back. “Anything.”

 

“Drive me home? If I have to sit on the bus with Kara shooting daggers at me again I’ll throw myself under it.”

 

He laughed tilting his head back. I heard voices coming up the corridor and took a chance. I reached up, cupping his neck in my hand and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

 

“See you later.” I moved to go into the gym but he reached out taking my hand.

 

“Wait, I have cheerleader try-outs on the field after school. Meet me there?” His eyes were dancing he looked so happy.

 

I smiled in return. “I’ll meet you there.”

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



I approached the field and could hear the cheering already. I headed towards the bleachers, searching the field for Jensen. He wasn’t hard to find as there were only a few males trying out. I followed the track around the field to the bleachers.

 

“HEY GUILFORD!” I looked up already knowing who it was and waved at Jensen who was in his gym gear, the school sweats switched out in replacement for the usual shorts.  He waved, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

 

“DON’T FALL DOWN!” I called back before I turned to climb the bleachers. I looked at the small group who had gathered to watch and spotted my brother up the back who was already waving at me. I made my way up and gave him a small hug as I sat down. “How was your day?” I asked.

 

He eyed me carefully and then smiled. “Something happened with him.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Bite me.”

 

He laughed at my response. “You’re happy. You’re not hiding behind your hair and you’re teasing me. Something happened with him.” He waited patiently for my response but I could feel his eyes on me.

 

“He asked me out okay?” I admitted, lifting my hands to my cheeks as I inevitably blushed.

 

Caleb nudged my side. “And you said yes?”

 

I nodded, looking back at Jensen. “For some reason that boy down there likes me enough to ask me out. Of course I said yes. There’s something about him, Caleb. I haven’t figured out what it is yet. And it’s not the face and his popularity or anything like that. I don’t need that. There’s just...there's something about him.”

 

Caleb reached out, rubbing my head affectionately. “As long as he makes you smile kid.”

 

“Besides, he’s giving me a ride home. He told Kara to back off and I really don’t need her glaring at me.” I laughed pulling my math book out to get a start on my homework.

 

Caleb frowned his eyes darting between the field and me. “She must be hard of hearing.”

 

“Huh?” I looked up at him and then to where he was looking. Kara had sauntered out onto the field in her cheerleading outfit and was currently running her hand through Jensen’s hair. I felt my fists clench and I stood from where I was sitting. I spotted Jensen look up at me then and he took a step back from Kara, letting her hand fall to her side. I smiled at him and he smiled back, reaching his hand up to wave.  He actually managed to finish his wave this time and Kara stormed off.

“I think she got it that time, Carmen.” Caleb laughed.

 

I sat back down watching as he began to go through his tryout. “Yeah, I think she did.”

 

I waited for Jensen to get changed after tryouts were over. Caleb had left half way through the tryouts but I had waited as I said I would.

I made my way around to the gym and planted myself outside the locker room. Jensen came out, laughing about something with one of the other males who had tried and then he spotted me. He said goodbye and jogged over to me.

 

“I made it, I got in!” He smiled, leaning down to kiss my forehead sweetly.

 

I laughed, putting my arm around his waist. He moved so his arm was over my shoulder and we headed towards the exit. “Of course you did. You were great. I didn’t know you were that strong.”

 

He pulled me tighter against him. “I'm plenty strong thank you. Your brother didn't stick around?”

 

“No, he wanted to get home and help my mom with something.”

 

We walked to his car in comfortable silence and he let me go to unlock the car and open my door for me. “In you hop. It’s clean, don't worry.”

 

And he was right. The car was immaculate. He drove me home in a sea of comfortable silence, small talk and the sound of him singing to the songs on the radio. I directed him to where I lived and he pulled up out the front of my house  killing the engine.

 

“Can I pick you up in the morning?” he asked as I gathered my bag. I grinned at the door as I opened it and looked back at him.

 

“You better.” I hesitated than reached back in, pulling his head to me with one hand to kiss his cheek again. “Goodnight Mr. Ackles!” I quickly pulled away and waved at him from behind me.

 

“Bye, Miss Guilford.” He said gently before I shut the door. He sounded almost dreamy.

 

I ran up the path to the front door and opened it., slamming myself back against it breathless and smiling.

 

“Was that the Ackles boy?” My mom asked coming into the front room.

 

I nodded, trying to hide my blush. She smiled at me.

 

“You can ask him to come in you know.” She offered.

 

I shook my head moving towards the stairs. “Not yet. Maybe later. But not yet.”

 

I climbed the stairs shaking, knowing my dreams were going to be filled with blond hair, green eyes and the smiling face of Jensen Ackles.

 

_Today I was asked on my first date._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
>  
> 
> This is so cute I could barf. For angst lovers don’t worry this will have its moments. I do love the fluff but my heart belongs to heartbreak.
> 
> Leave me love. I hope you’re enjoying it.
> 
>  
> 
> By the way this entire fic was a very elaborate Jensen dream I had that had me so shook I had to write it out. So...youre welcome.
> 
>  
> 
> -R


	3. Forever In Debt To Your Priceless Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first date and first fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a playlist of the chapter titles. Will be updated as we go along. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Forever In Debt To Your Priceless Advice**



I had never been on a date before. Forget that, I'd never even been asked on a date before. But somehow, on my second day in Richardson I’d managed to be asked out by the most popular guy in school. He'd asked me on the Monday and we had organized going out on the Friday night. He had dropped me home as he had all week. He’d also picked me up for school every morning.

 

I remember the Tuesday. He had come to the door that morning without me knowing. It wasn’t until I saw his truck parked in our driveway that I realized he was even there.  I had quickly pushed my hair back with a headband, grabbed my bag and hurled myself down the hallway and to the stairs. Both my mother’s eyes and Jensen s looked up at my sudden appearance. Caleb appeared from the doorway of his room, pointing at me with humor in his eyes.

 

“Good Mornin', Carmen.” Jensen drawled, his hands tucked into his jeans pockets. _Only he could make simple jeans and a t-shirt look so gorgeous. I hate him._

 

“Good Morning. You’re early.” I headed slowly down the stairs and he moved, watching my every step with those devastating eyes.

 

He shrugged and smiled, taking my backpack from me as I reached the bottom step. From that angle I could see perfectly into his eyes and they were shining beautifully at me. “I’m sorry darlin’. I could leave, come back in 20 minutes?”

 

I shook my head, reaching up to gently brush his cheek. “No it’s fine. Do you want a pop tart?” I pushed him back and smiled at my Mom before heading towards the kitchen.

 

“I love pop tarts.” Jensen was following me and I watched him move to sit at the breakfast bar of the Island counter.

 

“We have Chocolate Sundae, Raspberry, Cherry and Confetti Cupcake.” I said to him with my head in the cupboard.

 

“I'll take a Raspberry please.” I grabbed one for him and a cherry for me and opened them, throwing them in the toaster.

 

I turned to him, slightly startled by the sight of him in my kitchen. My mom walked in, taking a seat at the table where she sipped quietly on her coffee though I could see her smirking into her coffee. “Can I offer you  a drink?”

 

He smiled. “Coffee. Black.” He winked and I felt my insides melt. I grabbed 2 mugs and grabbed the coffee pot, filling them up half way. I added some creamer to mine. The toaster popped and I grabbed a plate, throwing his raspberry pastry onto it. I turned to him with his coffee and pop tart and grinned.

 

“Honey, breakfast is ready!” I laughed placing them both in front of him.

 

“You spoil me darlin’.”he laughed before digging in probably burning his mouth. We ate in comfortable silence then Caleb came barreling into the room.

 

“Can we help you?” I raised my eyebrow at him knowing what he was going to ask before he asked it.

 

“You know how I love you right?” Caleb asked and I heard Jensen laugh across from me. I looked at him and he nodded.

 

“Yes you can get a ride.” I told him, moving to put our dishes in the sink.

 

“Thank you, let’s go.” Caleb was already out the door.

 

“Bye Mom. I'll see you after school.” I have her a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

“It’s nice to meet you again Mrs. Guilford.” I watched my mother blush as Jensen pressed a sweet yet hurried kiss to her cheek as I had before he grabbed my hand and my backpack and dragged me out to his truck

 

 

“I think my Mom is a little bit in love with you!” I laughed as we ran to the truck. He opened my door as he had the day before and helped me in, putting my bag down by my feet.

 

“It's nice to know what you’ll look like when you’re her age.” He shrugged. “Still beautiful, obviously.” He winked at me and shut the door and I felt dizzy. _He wanted to know what I’d look like when I got older? Sheesh._

 

“Good Lord, he’s smooth.” Caleb laughed from the backseat.

 

I ran my hands over my face to bring me back into reality and watched him climb in beside me. _I could watch him all day._

He started the truck and smiled over at me before reversing out of the driveway. He cranked his music louder than he did when he’d bought me home the day before, probably because my brother was in the backseat.

 

I tried to discretely watch Jensen, just the way he pouted his lips when he was driving and tapped his fingers along to the music. The furrow of his brow while we waited at an intersection. How he bit his lip while changing gears, his long legs maneuvering the pedals with ease.

 

His lips stretched into a smile and his eyebrows lifted. “I can feel you staring at me, Guilford. You know that right?”

 

I snorted, waving my hand at him. “You have something on your face.” He didn’t. “I wasn’t going to tell you but now…”

 

He shook his head at me. “You're cute. You know that?” he glanced over at me and I poked my tongue out, something we’d both done now.

 

“Yeah. I know.” I looked out the window realizing we were on the road the school was on. I felt my nerves rise and I clasped my hands, rubbing my thumb along my skin. Jensen noticed what I was doing and looked over at me, reaching out to rub my wrist.

 

I looked over at him. “It’ll be okay. I’ve got you.” He said softly so only I could hear and I nodded. He ran his hand down my wrist and squeezed my clasped fingers to stop my worrying. And I took a breath calming down.

 

He moved his hand to change gears as we loudly pulled into the carpark. And just like the day before there was a crowd waiting. And as soon as they realized it was more than just Jensen in the car they circled.

 

“I’ll see you guys later.” Caleb said reaching over to rub my shoulder. I waved to him as he walked past my window.

 

I clasped my hands again, looking out at all the faces I didn’t recognize and people I didn’t know.

 

“We don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to.” He said, reaching his hand over again, pulling mine away from me and into his.

 

“But they’re your friends. I can just go inside. Don’t ignore them.”

 

He laughed and turned towards me in his seat. “Darlin', I’ve known these dirt bags for my whole life. I’ve spent every day with them as far back as I can remember. Why for a single second would you think I would want to leave you to hang out with them?”

 

I looked at him. How could he be so sincere and so honest with me. I had so much hidden yet he seemed so open. So comfortable with who he was that admitting this to me was as easy as breathing.

 

“Come on then yeah? We can say hi. Quick introduction  and we’ll head inside.” He gave my hand a squeeze and I knew I’d do whatever he wanted.

 

I nodded and he clapped his hands moving to leave the vehicle. I grabbed my bag from by my feet and before I got the chance he was already by my door, opening it.

 

“Okay?” He asked. I nodded letting my hair fall around me. He sighed knowing I was hiding and ran his hand up my neck and to my chin, tilting my head to make me look at him. “I’ve got you.”

 

I took a deep breath and nodded again. “Let’s do this.” I slid out of the car and Jensen stepped back to give me space. I put my backpack over my shoulder and he shut the door behind me.

 

“Chin up beautiful. “ He said into my ear, putting his arm around me. So many eyes. So many people. I tucked in closer to his side as he said hello to all his friends. I was in my head. Blocking out all the sounds. All the voices. All the people jostling around us. I’m not even sure how long I was in the deep end before Jensen was pulling me away from the group and towards the school building. He sat me down on a bench by the door and knelt in front of me. His voice was foggy, like he was speaking through a funnel. “Are you with me? Are you with me sweetheart?” his thumbs rubbed soothing patterns on my upper arms and I slowly broke through the mist.

 

“I’m here. I’m here I’m here. I’m sorry.” I shook my head rubbing my fingers into my eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t do well with strangers. I’m sorry.”

 

I felt his hand on the back of my neck and I looked up, knowing that was what he wanted and let my hands move from my eyes. “I should be the one saying sorry. I had my suspicions. But you always seemed so calm with me.”

 

“You’re different.”

 

“I’m so sorry. I won’t do that to you again, Carmen I swear. And the things they said. The things she said aren’t true. They were never true. Not about you darling I swear.” I felt lips press to my forehead and I felt my breathing calm and my shaking nerves return to normal almost instantly.

 

I moved back realizing what he had said. “What did they say about me?”

 

He shook his head. “Nothing that needs to be repeated. And it’s not true. I would never do that to you. She had no right to say that about you.” He looked so mad I didn’t push for him to tell me.

 

He didn’t make me see them again. The next day and every day following he put his arm around my shoulder and we walked right past them. And I did feel guilty. They were his friends. Like he said, he’s known those people his whole life. And here I am. In his life for 5 minutes and he was choosing sides.

 

He told me not to worry. That they would forgive him. The week went on and we decided that our date would be on the Friday night. He had kept our plans secret  but had said to dress casual and that he'd  pick me up at 6:30pm.

 

“You’re not going to tell me what we're doing are you?” I asked as he walked me to my door as he had the days previously.

 

He shook his head and mimed zipping his lips. I took a seat at the top of the porch steps and leaned back against the poles with my legs out in front of me and Jensen took his spot opposite me so our feet were touching in the middle.

 

“Can I ask you something?” I asked, picking at an invisible thread on my jeans.

 

“Anything. You know that.”

 

I looked up at him. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with him, something I had been working on. “Why did you choose me? I mean, you could have your pick of any girl in that school. Heck, any of the schools in the district I'm sure. Why me?”

 

He smiled, tilting his head to the side. “You don’t see yourself do you?”

 

I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

He laughed gently to himself and ran his hands over his face and then through his hair. “Look, don’t worry about the why and how okay? I have to go. Be ready by half 6.” He got up off the porch, pressing a quick kiss to my forehead before he jogged off to his truck. I watched him pull out of my driveway and head off. _That was weird._

 

I went inside and up to my bedroom. I poured myself into a hot shower and tried to  ignore the anxiety that was steadily rising. I wrapped myself in a towel and headed out to my room. I pulled on a burgundy mini and a thin white sweater. I brushed out my hair and dried it, slipping a burgundy headband in leaving my hair down. I put on minimal makeup, just some mascara and lipstick. I heard a knock at my door.

 

“Come in.”  I answered and my brother poked his head in. “Hey, come in. I feel like I've hardly seen you this week.” He came in, taking a seat on my bed, watching me in the mirror.

 

“You look beautiful.” He said, smiling sadly at my reflection.

 

I turned in my seat to look at him, frowning at his somber mood. “What’s up?” I got up, joining him on the bed.

 

He shook his head at me, a pained expression on his face. “You're still going out with Jensen tonight?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah.”

 

He shifted uncomfortably. “Look, I’ve been going backwards and forwards whether to tell you or not but I think you deserve to go into this knowing everything.”

 

“What are you even  talking about?”

 

“Look, you know I’ve got your back. I just need for you to know what’s being said behind it.”

 

I shook my head at him. “I don't care what people are saying. I know what the truth is.” I got up off my bed, heading to my closet to find my white converse sneakers.

 

“Jensen’s not a virgin, Carmen.” Caleb said softly and I paused, leaning back against the wall. _He's not a virgin? Does that matter? Should it matter?_

I came out of the wardrobe slowly, leaning back against the door frame. “Kara?” I asked him and he nodded. I felt my heart drop.

 

“Look, I’m only telling you so you go into this with eyes wide open okay? He and Kara slept together, and the second they did he broke up with her. I don’t want that for you, Carmen.”

 

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why would that happen to me, Caleb? I’m not about to throw myself at him. I’m not like that.”

 

“I know you aren’t but I’m worried for you. I think we both know how inexperienced you are when it comes to things like this and I would hate to see him take advantage of your naivety okay? I care about you too much.”

 

“Well stop! I don't care about what happened between he and Kara, okay? How do you know she’s even telling the truth? That girl would say anything to get his attention!”

 

Caleb ran his hand over his head and stood, heading towards the door. “I just thought you should know.”

 

“Caleb?!” he stopped at the door and looked over at me. “Do you think I’m that kind of girl? That I’d let him do that to me. That I'd  let him take that from me?”

 

He sighed heavily. “I do like Jensen. I really do. But I believe that you like him, more than you let on. And that if you're not careful you would lose yourself in him.” He left my room without another word and I fell onto my bed feeling deflated and terrified.

_Of course he’s not a virgin. Why would he be? Because he goes to church? That boy could charm the pants off a nun if he wanted to._ I let my head fall into my hands, massaging my suddenly tense temples.

 

I felt my chest start to tighten and then the doorbell rang. I looked up checking the clock. How was it 6:30 already? How long had I been sitting here freaking out? I quickly pulled my shoes on, lacing them quickly. I grabbed my white denim jacket, took a deep breath and opened my door.

 

I stepped out into the hallway seeing my brother standing in his doorway. I pulled my jacket on and watched him.

 

“Just be careful, Carmen.” He said then shut his door. I headed towards the stairs and there he was. Dressed in dark wash jeans, a white t shirt and a light grey long sleeved shirt open on top.

 

“Hi Jensen.” I smiled softly, heading down the stairs towards him. He frowned slightly since I hadn’t called him Mr. Ackles as I usually did.

 

“Darlin’” he held up a bouquet of red roses and I smiled again. Although it didn’t reach my eyes. “I wasn’t sure if you like roses. The lady at the store said they were a pretty safe option.” He laughed, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

 

I took them from him. “Thank you Jensen. They’re beautiful. Just let me put them in some water.”

 

“Here sweetheart,” my mother stepped forward from the doorway to the kitchen, reaching out to take the flowers. “Let me take care of these. You go and have fun with Jensen.”

 

I let her take the flowers from me and I turned back to Jensen. He had a frown on his face when I turned but he tried to hide it when I looked at him.

 

“Are you ready to go?” he asked. I nodded and he reached out for my hand. I gave it to him and he led me out the door. He took me around to my side of the truck and opened the door. I climbed in and he leaned against the door. “I’m not going to push but I know something’s wrong. I can feel the anxiety rolling off you. I won't a0sk you to tell me. But please just know that I’m here, Carmen. I’m here, okay?”

 

I nodded, avoiding his eyes and he sighed, shutting the door. I felt awful.  But I couldn’t just come out and say it. We drove in silence. Painful, deafening silence. I had my hands in my lap, my thumb rubbing soothingly although it wasn’t working. We pulled up outside a diner in town. I undid my seatbelt and looked out the windscreen. It looked busy.

 

“Are you ready? This place has the best burgers in town.” He sounded like he was trying to lighten the mood so I decided to play along. I smiled at him, nodding enthusiastically.

 

“I’m starved. Let’s go.” I opened my door and slid out, shutting it behind me. Jensen was already there, reaching out for my hand. I let him clasp our hands together and I followed him into the diner, trying my best to push the nerves as low as I could.

 

“Jensen! Good to see you!” the older lady behind the counter smiled as we entered the brightly lit diner. It was themed like a 50s diner, complete with jukebox and waitresses on roller skates.

 

“Hey Maggie, how have you been?” Jensen replied and I tried not to roll my eyes at how smooth he was.

 

“I’ve been great but don’t mind me, your group is in the corner booth as usual.” She pointed to the back corner and I followed the direction. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Every single one of Jensen s friends was in the diner, in the corner booth looking at us like we were the most interesting thing in the building.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jensen was in front of me immediately, his hands holding my face gently. “I didn’t know they were going to be here, I’m sorry. We can go somewhere else. Just say the word, we can go anywhere you like.”

 

I looked into his eyes. He was telling the truth. “You owe me a burger. We're staying.” I said determinedly and he grinned down at me.

 

“Whatever the lady wants.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead and took my hand again. “We'll take the booth at the front okay Maggie?” Jensen waved at the lady and we headed to the booth in the front corner by the counter. I slid in and he slid in opposite me.

 

“This place is quirky. I like it.” I said as he handed me a menu. We ordered and the food arrived and his friends kept to themselves. Jensen insisted on splitting a milkshake and I know he was doing it just to be cute although I honestly could've downed one on my own.

 

“I was thinking we could go to the movies after this? And then maybe for a drive to Breckinridge to look at the lake?” he suggested, watching me finish the last of the milkshake.

 

I nodded. “Sounds nice. Let me just go to the bathroom first and then we can go.” I leaned across the table and kissed his cheek which made him blush. “You’re adorable. Be right back.” I made my way to the bathroom and went about my business. But as I came out to wash my hands the last person on earth I ever wanted to see was perched on the counter. “Hi Kara.” I groaned, heading to the basin to wash my hands.

 

“He's just using you. You know that right? Jensen is a magpie and you're a shiny new toy.”

 

I grabbed some paper towels and wiped off my hands. “Are ya done?”

 

She scowled at me and jumped off the counter. “Listen you little freak, I don’t know what’s wrong with you or why he’s wasting his time with you anyway but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Jensen is after one thing only. And as soon as he's got it, trust me, he'll be done with you faster than you can say I Love You.”

 

I turned to her, finding some courage from somewhere. “I do not care what happened between you two. I don’t. I could honestly not care any less than I do. So you can take your advice and shove it.” I turned to leave when she spoke again.

 

“Let me guess dinner here, movies and then a drive to the lake?” She asked gently. The menace in her voice gone.

 

I stopped in my tracks. One hand on the door.

 

“You’re not special, Carmen. Not to him. It’s the same thing with every girl. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She pushed past me and out the door before I’d even started breathing again.

 

 I felt sick to my stomach. I put my forehead against the cool door for a few seconds then I was moving. I left the bathrooms and went back out to the restaurant, making a beeline for the door.

 

“Carmen?! CARMEN?! KARA, WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HER?!” I heard Jensen screaming as I pushed open the door and stepped onto the footpath. I didn’t know where I was. I began to walk up the street just wanting to get away from this place, those people and him. “Carmen?! Stop!”

 

I felt Jensen’s hand on my arm and I turned, pushing him away. “Don’t touch me!”

 

“Woah! Hey, what happened? What did she say to you?” he looked so scared I almost reached out for him, wanting to console him so he wouldn’t look so sad anymore.

 

“Is it  true Jensen? Don’t you dare lie to me. Is it true?”

 

“Is what true?”

 

I gripped the bridge of my nose between my fingers. “Have you taken countless girls on this exact same date?”

 

He seemed taken aback by my question but then guilt flooded into his eyes. “I hadn't really thought about it but yeah, I guess I have.”

 

I nodded knowing that Kara wasn’t a liar. Which could only mean that she wasn’t lying about other things as well. “Right? This was a bad idea. This date or whatever you call it so I’m just gonna go.” I turned to go and find a cab so I could take my stupid self home.

 

“No, wait. You can't just leave like this. Talk to me.” His hand was on my shoulder and I turned to him. Force of habit.

 

“Talk to you. Talk to you about what? How your friends all hate me and think I’m a total freak. Which I am. Or how my own brother warned me against coming on this date and he trusts everyone. Or how your ex girlfriend is hell bent on seeing me suffer.”

 

“My friends will get over it. They don’t know you.”

 

“Oh and you do?”

 

He frowned at me. “I’d like to think better than some I do, yeah. As for your brother, I'm sorry. I don’t know what I did to make him hate me. And Kara? Kara’s nothing. She's nothing to me.”

 

“Was she nothing when you slept with her too?” I hated myself for asking, for throwing it in his face. But I had to.

 

He took a step back. His mouth open as he stared at me in shock. “Carmen, I…”

 

I shook my head at him.  “I thought too much of you. Here I was feeling lucky and out of my league that someone like you would even look twice at me. But every single word, every smooth line and every touch was just a game. Some well rehearsed act. I’m not the first stupid girl to get sucked in by you. I might be the first to walk away.” I had already turned and was walking away when I felt his hand grip my wrist this time.

 

“Let me explain?!” He pleaded and I turned on him, pushing him away with all the strength I had.

 

“Explain?! Explain how you dumped her after you two had sex!?”

 

“Woah, Carmen. Who told you this?!”

 

“It doesn’t matter who told me, Jensen. It matters that it happened. That you let it happen. I will not be her. I will not let you treat me like you treated her. She deserved better. Anyone deserves better. I deserve better.”

 

“Please,” Jensen was pleading again. His eyes glassy. “Don’t do this. I can explain.”

 

I shook my head at him. “I think it’d be best for everyone if we call it quits now. Before someone gets hurt. Goodbye Jensen.” I turned, got into the first cab I saw and headed for home.

 

_Today we had our first fight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: are ya still with me?


	4. I Dont Need Your Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chance at a first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify story playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I Don't Need Your Reasons**



_I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I’m so so so stupid._

I climbed out of the cab after paying and looked up at my house. The lights were on downstairs and in my brothers room meaning everyone was still awake.

 

“Thanks.” I told the cab driver as I shut the door. I headed up the path with heavy feet feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I made it to the porch and sat down, leaning back against the railing with my legs stretched out in front of me. _Tonight did not end like I thought it would._

 

The door clicked open and I knew who it was without even looking. “You’re home early.” Caleb said, shutting the door behind him. He sat in front of me, looking out over the front yard.

 

“Things change.”

 

I could hear the sadness in his voice. “I’m sorry, Carmen.”

 

I shook my head, looking at him for the first time. “You were right. He’s not who I thought he was.”

 

“So he admitted it then?”

 

I shook my head. “He didn’t need to.”

 

Caleb frowned. “You didn't let him explain.”

 

I stared incredulously at my twin. “You told me what he was like. You're my brother. I believe you.”

 

Caleb ran a hand over his hair sighing heavily. “I didn’t say it as fact, Carmen.”

 

“So what? I was wrong? Look from what I can tell Jensen had taken me on the exact same date he’d taken Kara on and apparently a multitude of other girls, why would he treat me any differently to the way he treated Kara if he can’t even take me on a different date to her?”

 

Caleb laughed a little and I frowned angrily at him. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit? Ok so maybe taking you on the same date as Kara was a dumb idea. But I don’t think he’s as experienced at dating as Kara likes to make him out to be. I just think maybe you should speak to him before you go pushing him away.”

 

Maybe he was right. _Was I overreacting? Should I have let him explain?_ “Gah!” I exclaimed, letting my head fall forward into my hands. “Why is this dating thing so hard? I just wanted to have a good time tonight with a cute boy and not be so paranoid for once in my life. Good job I did of that.”

 

Just then the squeal of tyres rang out down the street making me look up as a red truck came into view.

 

“Can't he just drive like a normal person?” I muttered making  Caleb laugh again. We both watched as Jensen screeched to a halt in front of our house and quickly climbed out, spotting me on the porch instantly.

 

Caleb reached out, patting my leg supportively. “Yell if you need me.” He said before leaving me on the porch, watching Jensen approach me carefully.

 

Jensen didn’t say anything, he just took his seat opposite me, mimicking the way I was sitting and we stared one another down for awhile.

 

“You were so mad at me.” He said softly. I nodded, keeping my eyes on him. “Kara had no right saying that to you. Because she’s wrong. You are special.”

 

I scoffed looking away.

 

“No, look at me Carmen.” He moved quickly, sitting on the step below me as he pulled one of my hands into his. “Please look at me.”

 

I gave in, because I would’ve given him anything he wanted. I met his eyes and he looked so sad and I reached up without thinking, running my fingers down his cheek. “You look so sad.” I whispered and he shut his eyes, leaning into my touch.

 

“I thought I lost you. Have I?” his eyes fluttered open again, taking my breath away. I don’t think I'd ever get used to having him so close. “Have I lost you, Carmen?”

 

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my thoughts and give him a coherent answer. “I need for you to realize, I’m not like Kara. I’m not like other girls I don’t...I don’t have much experience with boys, the most I’ve ever done with anyone is all I’ve done with you.” He rubbed his thumb gently on my wrist as he listened to me be honest with him for the first time since he met me. “I’ve never been on a date, nor had someone...someone like you even take a second glance at me. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand what someone like you would ever see in me-“

 

“Carmen, no...” He interrupted and I shook my head at him and he stopped.

 

“I need to say it. I need to say this. I don’t know if I can live up to your expectations.  I’m not good with strangers. I’m not good in crowds. I don’t have Kara’s confidence or her good looks and I don’t want to spend my time with you trying to think of reasons why you should be with her instead.” He looked ashamed and I couldn’t figure out why. “I’m scared, Jensen. I’m terrified. I don’t want to be the reason you don’t spend time with your friends. I don’t want to be a freak. I don’t want them to give you grief because you chose a freak over them.”

 

“Shush, shush sweetheart.” He reached up, wiping the tears I didn’t even know I was crying.

 

“I will never be like Kara. Ever. So if she's what you want, if she’s the kind of girl you want then you should leave. Because I can’t be like her.”

 

He shook his head at me and reached up, pulling me into a hug, tucking my head into him. I pressed my face against his neck and wrapped my arms around him.

 

“I can’t be like her.”

 

“I don’t want you to be like her, Carmen.” He pushed me back, shifting my hair gently behind my shoulder, rubbing my cheeks gently with his thumbs. “Kara and I were a mistake. I thought we wanted the same things, that we were similar but she changed when we started dating. She became arrogant and pushy. I thought she might change and I could see past that cos she was a really sweet girl. But the more time I spent with her the more the real Kara came out. She wanted me to do things I wasn’t ready for. She became more forceful until one day she demanded...”He stopped, struggling with his words and I moved my hand up to hold his cheek. He shut his eyes for a few moments then spoke again. “She wanted me to have sex with her, or she was going to dump me.”

 

I moved back to see him better, letting my hand fall from his face. The sudden loss of contact caused him to open his eyes which were shining with tears.

 

He began to shake his head seeing the fear in my eyes. “I didn’t do it, Carmen. I didn't. I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want my first time to he with her. I didn’t want to be with her, not like that and I knew that I had to break up with her and I did. As soon as she asked that of me I broke up with her.”

 

“So you're still a...”

 

He nodded, smiling sadly. “I am. I’m a virgin.”

 

I let a chuckle escape my mouth, one of disbelief and relief. “I am too. Obviously.” I shrugged.

 

Jensen smiled at me, moving his hands from my cheeks to hold my hands in his on his lap. “I know what Kara’s been saying about me. I know the rumors. I know she’s trying to scare you away from me, to paint me to be something I’m not. Someone I’m not. But my parents raised me with respect. I won’t stoop to her level. She can say what she wants about me, I can take it. But I won’t let her bad mouth you. I hate that she called you a freak. And I hate that you call yourself one too. Because you're not.”

 

I smiled, shaking my head at him in complete disbelief. And then my smile began to fade. “I’m sorry Jensen. I’m sorry for listening to her. For assuming the worst. I guess I was just so insecure about you asking me out that I found the first thing I could and I threw it in your face. I’m so sorry Jensen.”

 

He shook his head again, “Don’t apologize to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. But let me make it upto you. Let me take you out tomorrow night. Let me do it properly. I’ll take you on a different date. One without disruption, without other people. Just you and me, okay?”

 

He looked so hopeful, like I was ever going to say no. “Tomorrow night?” I asked.

 

He nodded. “I’ll pick you up at 6. Please? One more chance. Let me do it properly.

 

I grinned at him. “I’ll see you at 6.”I replied and the grin he gave me as reward could have kept me breathing without air for days.

 

“I won’t let you down.” He leaned his forehead against mine and shut his eyes, so I did the same, just listening to his gentle breathing.

 

“I should go in. My parents are probably spying on us anyway.” I laughed, moving my head back. He sighed sadly and got up reaching down, offering me his hands.

 

He pulled me up with ease and it was times like these I realised how much bigger he was compared to me. All broad shouldered and long limbs. Taller than me by at least half a foot

 

“I’m sorry again for overreacting. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

He nodded. “I’ll be here at 6.”

 

“I’ll be waiting.”

 

He leaned down and pressed a sweet gentle kiss to my cheek. “Sleep well.” He smiled and turned jogging down the stairs, much more optimistic than he was when he showed up. I watched him climb into his truck and he waved out to me as he pulled away. I waved back and went inside. My parents must have gone to their room because the lights were now off. I went upstairs and stopped at the top, seeing my brother open his door.

 

“You’re still awake?” I asked stupidly. Like, obviously he’s still awake if he's standing in his doorway staring at me.

 

Caleb crossed his arms in front of him. “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay?”

 

I nodded to him. “I jumped to conclusions. It’s good to remember that not everything everyone says is true. I believe him. It was a misunderstanding. Kara...Kara has issues.”

 

He nodded, guilt written all over him. “I’m glad I was wrong. I don’t understand Kara. Why is she like that?”

 

I shrugged moving towards my door. “She’s in love with him. Or at least I think she thinks she is. I feel bad for her, to a point y'know? But I suppose pity won’t make her stop.”

 

“Are you going to be able handle her though? I don’t think we’ve seen half of what she’s capable of.” That thought scared me. But I knew what I wanted.

 

“He’s worth it. I don’t know why or how I know that but he is. He’s different.”

 

Caleb smiled and nodded his head at me. “Good. Goodnight Sis.”

 

“Goodnight Caleb.” I shut my door behind me and fell onto my bed. “What am I doing...” I asked myself hoping I had made the right decision.

 

  * * * * * * * * * * * *



I spent my Saturday unpacking the last of my things and getting my room the way I liked it. I was on my bedrooms balcony airing out one of my rugs when I  heard the recognizable sound of Jensen’s truck come roaring down my street. I watched him climb out with a large bouquet of flowers and a gift bag and he walked quickly up the path. I smiled, leaning against the railing of the balcony.

 

“You couldn’t wait until 6? You miss me that much?” I giggled watching him go wide eyed with shock before he looked up, noticing me. He blushed. Adorable.

 

“I was going to play ding dong ditch. I didn’t think you’d be outside.” He shrugged.

 

“You have good timing. Come up will you? I need you to lift something for me. Door’s open.” I smiled at him and went back inside, feeling the recognizable butterflies in my tummy.  They seemed to be around alot lately.

 

I heard him let himself in, talking pleasantries with my mom for several moments. He took his time and then I heard him on the stairs. I moved to the doorway, watching as he appeared at the top. “Sorry, your Mom wanted to put these in water.” He shrugged apologetically, stepping up to my doorway holding out a vase with the most colorful bunch of Gerberas I'd ever seen arranged inside it.

 

My mouth fell open in shock and  I rushed to him, taking them from him. “These are gorgeous. How did you know Gerberas were my favourite?”

 

He smirked coyly. “I may have asked your mother. I didn’t want to just choose roses because they’re safe this time. I wanted to be right.”

 

“Well thank you Jensen. These are beautiful.” I turned, placing them at the corner of my desk. “Come in, come in. Don’t just stand there.”

 

“Oh,” he hesitated but stepped inside. I sat on my bed and he took a seat on my desk chair. “I didn’t know what your parents rules were on boys in your room.”

 

I snorted. “In case you forgot you’re the only boy I’ve ever had in my room so I wouldn’t know. Besides, I’m pretty sure they know I’m not going to let you take my clothes off with the door wide open and with Caleb eavesdropping from his bedroom.”

 

“Hi Jensen!!” Caleb called from his room, proving me right.

 

“Hi Caleb!” Jensen laughed, looking around my room. “You’ve unpacked fast.”

 

I shrugged. “I like my things in order. I don’t like living out of boxes.”

 

Jensen nodded, getting up to look at some photos I had on my dresser. “You were a cute kid. Look at you.” He laughed to himself as he ran his finger down the frame. “What’s this from?”

 

I moved to his side, looking at the photo he was questioning. “Oh,” I giggled. “That was the one and only time I’ve sung on stage. At my second to last church. My choir teacher had somehow tricked me into it. It was scary but exhilarating.”

 

“You really can sing can’t you?”

 

I shrugged, my turn to blush this time. “It’s for church. What’s in the bag, Ackles?” I reached up and flicked the silver gift bag he was still holding.

 

“Oh, it’s for you. A little teaser as to what I have planned tonight.” I took the bag from him and moved to my bed, sitting back down. He stayed leaning against my dresser, watching with a playful smile on his face.

 

I moved the tissue paper aside and pulled out a t-shirt. I frowned at him and he grinned wider. I unfolded it and my eyes went wide. “No way?!” I began to laugh.

 

“Yes way. I got us two tickets to the concert tonight.”

 

I felt my whole body begin to vibrate in excitement. “No doubt?! We’re going to see No Doubt?!”

 

He nodded and barely had a moment to register it before I was up, across the room and in his arms. He had to practically catch me mid air that’s how fast I threw myself at him.

 

“Oh my goodness, I’m so excited! I’ve never been to a concert before!” I pulled away, grinning maniacally up at him.

 

“If you keep smiling at me like that I’ll take you to a concert everyday for the rest of your life, Guilford.”

 

I blushed at the sentiment and looked down at the shirt. “I can't wait, Jensen. Thank you.”

 

“You’re most welcome. Now, where is this heavy thing you need me to move?” he rubbed his hands together looking around my room.

 

He left a short while later and I was buzzing for the rest of the afternoon. I can’t believe he was taking me to see No Doubt. I don’t even think I’d mentioned that I liked them.

 

I showered at 5pm opting to dress a little edgier than my usual. I pulled on some tight black jeans, my No Doubt shirt from Jensen which I knotted at the bottom since it was a little loose and laced up my white converse. I kept my hair out, and applied some eyeliner, mascara and a bold red lipstick.

 

The doorbell rang at 6 pm the dot and I grabbed my leather jacket before leaving my room. I spotted Jensen and I moved to the stairs. He looked over at me and stopped mid sentence. My dad snorted at Jensen’s reaction to seeing me and I blushed under his gaze. I took my time going down the stairs, appreciating his outfit as I went down as well. He was wearing dark grey jeans, a No Doubt t shirt as well with a black denim jacket and black boots.

 

I met his eyes as I reached the bottom and he had this dreamy sort of lazy smile on his face.

 

“Hey you.” I smiled, reaching out to touch him just because I had to.

 

He inhaled when my fingers met his waist and he leant down, kissing my cheek softly. “You look stunning.” He whispered against my ear and pulled back. “I’m taking Carmen to a concert tonight. I won’t have her home late Mr. Guilford.”

 

“Oh please, Jensen. Call me David. No need to be so formal around here. Take your time. Just make sure you bring her home fully intact will you?” my dad winked at Jensen and I felt myself cringe.

 

“Okay, this is weird. Let’s go. Bye Dad!” I pushed Jensen towards the door and he laughed at me, waving to my father over my shoulder.

 

“Have fun!” he called after us as I shut the door, letting out a breath.

 

“Sorry about him. He’s....strange.”

 

Jensen laughed, throwing his arm over my shoulder as he led me towards his truck which was in the driveway as usual. “I like your dad. He’s funny. You should meet my parents.”

 

I frowned at him as he opened the truck door for me, helping me inside. “You want me to meet your parents?”

 

He leaned his arm against the door frame, holding his weight as he moved in towards me. Oh man did he smell good. “They asked about you. They want to know who I can't stop talking about. They may invite you over tomorrow at church so just be prepared.” He laughed at the fear that I was certain was all over my face and he shut the door. _His parents? Oh gees._

 

He climbed in looking me over one more time. “Yea, I know.” I teased. “I look hot.”

 

He couldn’t stop smiling as he started the truck and we headed off into the night. We were driving for awhile when we pulled off into a park area. I could  see a lake in the near distance and looked over at Jensen questioningly.

 

He pulled into a park and killed the ignition, looking over at me. “Oh my god, Carmen. Don’t look so scared.” He laughed taking off his seatbelt. “We have a few hours before the doors open at the venue,” he reached around into the backseat producing a blanket. “I packed us a picnic dinner. Thought we could eat it by the lake.”

 

I looked into his backseat where a large hamper was buckled in. My heart was singing. “You made us a picnic?”

 

“Well, my Mom helped.  A lot actually. But yeah. It was my idea.” He climbed out of the truck and looked back at me. “I wanted to show you how special you are. That you’re not just another girl to me. I want you to be able to see how much I care...how much I care about you.”

 

“Stop that, Ackles. Right now or I will cry and I am wearing so much liner right now I’ll look like a horror movie.” I held my hand up to him and he laughed.

 

“Come on, beautiful. Let’s eat.”

 

He had packed us a feast and we talked and ate. This was so much nicer than that stupid diner. We packed up and it was time to head to the venue. As we headed in the traffic became heavier and I began to get nervous. I forgot about the crowds.

 

Jensen reached over, rubbing his thumb along my wrist so I would stop wringing my hands together. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. We pulled into the carpark and we just sat there for a few moments looking out at the crowds moving towards the doors and inside. Jensen’s thumb was still rubbing soothing circles on the inside of my wrist, over my pulse and I looked over at him.

 

“Jensen...” I whispered.

 

“We don’t have to go inside if you don’t think you can. We can sit here all night for all I care.”

 

He made me laugh and I took a soothing breath in, exhaling slowly. “I want to see them. Just don’t let me go, okay?”

 

He smiled softly, halting  his thumb on my wrist ”Never.”

 

I took off my seatbelt. “Then let’s do this.”

 

I got out of the truck and he met me, locking the truck before pulling my hand into his tightly, leading me towards the doors. We got in fairly quickly and he got us some sodas. We went into the main area and Jensen sought out a safe spot for us, choosing a relatively quiet spot against the far wall. He leaned back against it, pulling me to stand in front of him. His hand held mine in front of me as he hugged me from behind. “Is this okay?” he asked into my ear, his lips pressing a gently kiss there.

 

I nodded, closing my eyes. I felt so safe. I wanted to stay there forever.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. The window was down and I was leaning against the door frame, holding my hand out against the wind as we drove home.

 

“ _Communication, a telephonic invasion, I’m planning my escape._ ” I sung along with Gwen as ‘Spiderwebs’ blasted through the trucks speakers. “ _Sorry I'm not home right now, I’m walking into Spoderwebs so leave a message and I’ll call you back. A likely story but leave a message and I’ll call you back._ ” I sat back in my seat, glancing over at Jensen who was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

 

He noticed me looking at him and he turned the music down. “You really do have a wonderful voice, Carmen.”

 

I blushed, looking away.

 

“No you do. Would you ever want to be in a band?”

 

I shook my head profusely, snorting at the notion of such a thing. “I could never. Definitely not, no.

 My voice is for church and church only.”

 

“And the occasional concert?”

 

I nodded, rolling my eyes at him. “Church and concerts.” I stared at him again. His eyes kept glancing over at me but he didn’t say anything. He just drove us home, humming along to the music, watching me fall asleep in his passenger seat.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



“Carmen, wake up.” I felt a hand jostling me and I came to, looking around at my surroundings. We were in my driveway. Jensen was standing in my open doorway trying to wake me up. “There she is. You fell asleep sweetheart.”

 

I sat up running a hand through my hair. “Sorry, what a lousy passenger.” I laughed and took his hand that he was offering and he helped me out of the truck.

 

“All forgiven. Besides you look cute when you sleep.” He admitted, pulling me against him as he walked me towards my front door. I leaned on him still feeling a bit sleepy.

 

“Thank you for tonight, really, I've had the best time.” We stopped in front of my door and he let me go. I moved back against the door not entirely trusting my legs.

 

“No, thank you for giving me another chance. And thank you for trusting me to look after you at the concert. It really does mean alot.”

 

I reached up without thinking pressing a slow kiss to his cheek. He gasped so loud his hands came out, gripping my hips as he held me to him.

 

I moved back and looked up into his and I could see it then. I could see what he wanted to do, how he felt, all of it reflecting in his eyes. I swallowed, my eyes running down his face to his gorgeous lips. His tongue came out wetting them and he leaned in. My eyes flew back to his just before his fluttered closed and his lips pressed to mine.

 

His mouth was so soft and so perfect I honestly felt like I could’ve cried. And right there, one week after moving to Richardson, Jensen kissed me. And I was done for.

 

_Today, I went to my first concert. And more importantly, I had my first kiss._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: trying not to take the lack of comments on the last chapter personally lol
> 
> thanks for all the kudos. means lot.
> 
> -R


	5. My Comfort, My Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another First milestone is ticked off the list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Platlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ
> 
> I am also adding songs that just remind me of this story and help me along. Or in some cases songs which they listen to.

**When We Were Young**

  1. **My Comfort, My Shelter**



 

“Guilford family.” The minister greeted us outside the church where people were still milling around. I smoothed down my pale blue collared dress and clasped my hands in front of me, waiting for my parents to finish talking with the minister. A smile grew on my face when I heard the familiar truck making its way towards the church.

 

I looked up, seeing the all too familiar red truck pull into the church parking area and he swiftly pulled into a space. I waited beside my family as Jensen climbed out, dressed in a pale blue button down, cream dress pants, black belt and black shoes. _Oh man, we match._

He looked up, a gorgeous smile appearing on his face. He waved to me and I waved back. I didn’t even notice my dad was watching us until he spoke. “You can go and say hello, Carmen. We're going to go and find seats. Go ahead.” With a gentle push to my lower back my father sent me off towards Jensen who was already walking towards me, his keys in one hand, the other tucked casually into his pocket.

 

I made my way towards him and he frowned at me as he moved towards me faster. “What? What’s wrong?”

 

He gripped my wrist, unclasping my hands that I was wringing in front of me. “Why are you worried?” he ran his hand down my cheek, shoving his keys into his pocket to hold my face firmly.

 

I was doing my nervous tick and I hadn’t even realised. But he had. I smiled genuinely up at him. “I’m not worried. I was nervous I guess.”

 

“Why are you nervous sweetheart?”

 

I shrugged, moving my hands to hold his waist. “I missed you.” I whispered, leaning in to press my forehead to his shoulder. He sighed and laughed a little at his overreaction and tucked me to him and ran a hand down my hair. I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head and I pulled back simply just to look at him again. _Wow, I’ve got it so bad._

He ran a finger under my chin, his thumb coming up to rub my bottom lip. “I missed you too.” He whispered before leaning down, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips, his mouth lingering on my bottom lip a little longer. He stood back up and I could feel my cheeks blush, my legs begin to shake and I sighed, leaning into him.

 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.” I looked up at him and he was staring towards the church doors, a determined, almost daring look on his face. I followed his eyes and saw Kara standing by the church entrance, the anger and hurt emanating off her so strongly I could feel it from where we were standing. “Jensen.” I pressed my hand to his stomach, trying to bring him back to me.

 

He looked down at me and his expression softened, a few more seconds and he was back with me completely. “Come on, let’s go in.” He took my hand in his tightly and moved us towards the church. We made our way in and I let Jensen guide us towards where we would sit. We made our way towards the front and I spotted Jensen’s parents waving us towards them. I must have gripped Jensen’s hand even tighter without realizing because he stopped, looking back at me. “It’s okay. We don’t have to go to them if you don’t want to. Your parents and brother are already sitting with my family but we can sit somewhere else. Whatever you want.”

 

I shook my head, “No. We can go and sit with our families. Just don’t let me go.”

 

He smiled, pulling me to his side, his lips close to my ear. “Never. You are so brave.”

 

“I’m brave by your side.” I returned and his eyes danced as I looked up at him. We made our way towards his parents who were standing at the end of an aisle where my parents and brother and Jensen’s siblings were sitting.

 

“Hey Mom, Dad.” Jensen greeted and tucked me under his arm. “This is Carmen Guilford, my girlfriend.” He introduced me and I looked up at him, shock crossing my features.  I shook off his use of that word and smiled up at them trying to be the polite girl my parents could be proud of.

 

“Good Morning Mr. & Mrs. Ackles. It’s nice to meet you.” I held my hand out to Jensen’s Mom first and she shook her head at me.

 

“No no, sweetheart. From how much my son talks about you I'm giving you a hug. I feel like I already know you.” She wrapped me in a comforting motherly embrace and I felt Jensen’s hand slip to the small of my back, making sure he didn’t let me go. “And call me Donna. I insist. This is my husband Alan.” She pointed towards the man standing next to her smiling at me and I could see where Jensen got his eyes from.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Alan.” He moved toward me, hugging me just as his wife did and he pulled away, smiling down at me. He had a calming, welcoming vibe just as Jensen did.

 

“Lovely to finally meet you too, Carmen. Jensen has told me a lot about you.” Alan smiled putting his arm around his wife just as Jensen had his arm around me. “All good things don’t you worry.  I think he’s quite fond of you, just quietly.”

 

I laughed and looked up at Jensen who was blushing like a tomato. I moved to rest my hand on his chest. “We’ll I’m rather fond of him also. But don’t tell. It’ll go to his head.”

 

“Okay, that’s enough. Can we sit down now.” Jensen had enough of the teasing and directed me towards the aisle where I went down, taking a seat beside Jensen’s little sister.

 

I turned to her and she was already eyeing me warily. “Hi Mackenzie.” I smiled, waving awkwardly at her as Jensen took a seat beside me. Mackenzie frowned at the arm he wrapped around my shoulders and she narrowed her eyes, looking up at me.

 

“Are you my brothers girlfriend?”

 

I snorted and my eyes went wide and I was at a loss for words. “Umm....”

 

“Yes she is Kenzie,” Jensen interrupted. “Stop being weird.”

 

Mackenzie laughed and smiled at me. “I’m just kidding. I know who you are. Josh, this is Carmen.” Mackenzie brushed her older brothers arm and he turned towards me from where he was talking to my brother.

 

 _The genetics in this family. Seriously_. I introduced myself to Josh and then turned back to Jensen who was gazing at me proudly. “What?” I asked him, my eyes searching his face.

 

He pulled me closer towards him, kissing my cheek gently. “You're just amazing.”

 

I laughed, leaning into him as the sermon began to start. We sang a few songs and listened to the minister talk and then the band took the stage again.

 

“We’re going to do something we don’t normally do,” the band leader and music director Michael said as he stepped towards the front of the stage with his microphone. “We've heard this rumor around the community for the last week and one of our younger congregation members mentioned how much this person wanted to sing with us so we're going to invite her up.”

 

I felt  a sharp sense of paranoia heighten my senses and I turned my head automatically to look at Jensen. But he was already glaring at someone. Kara. She was sat on the other side of the aisle, a row ahead, her eyes full of laughter as she listened and I knew. I just knew.

 

“She and her family are new to town. Please make welcome, Carmen Guilford. Carmen, come on up.”

 

I felt my heart drop into my stomach and I shut my eyes. Jensens hands were on my cheeks before I knew it. “Cann you give her a moment please?” Jensen asked so Michael could hear him. He leaned in, his lips by my ear. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll take you away from here. Just say the word.” I opened my eyes, that clear green shining back at me. Worry and hurt were written all over his face. “You don’t have to do this, sweetheart.”

 

I looked over at Kara who was laughing at me. She was mocking me with her friend and I looked back at Jen. “I can do this. I won’t let her win. I can do this.”

 

“Go into your head. Just sing the song. You’ll be fine.” He kissed me as I stood up on shaky legs and made my way out of the aisle. My eyes fell on Kara as I made it past Jensens dad. The look of shock and annoyance on her face gave me the bit of confidence I needed and I smirked at her, making my way to the front.

 

The crowd clapped and I kept my eyes on Michael as he introduced me. He told me I was going to sing lead on ‘Shout to the Lord’ and thankfully I knew that song very well. He gave me a microphone and guided me to the centre of the stage. I searches for Jensen's face in the crowd as the opening piano chords rang through the building.

 

I found him and he nodded encouragingly. I let my eyes close and I began to sing.

 

“ _My Jesus, my saviour. Lord, there is none like you. All of my days, I want to praise. The wonders of Your mighty love.”_ It was easier to block out the crowds when my eyes were closed. But I knew I couldn’t get away with it for the entire song. “ _My comfort, my shelter. Tower of refuge and strength. Let every breath. All that I am. Never cease to worship You.”_

 

I opened my eyes at the chorus and realized people were singing along, eyes closed in praise. Hardly anyone was even looking at me. Why was I so worried? I finished the song, my eyes going to my shoes as everyone’s eyes opened and they applauded. I gave Michael the microphone and made my way back to my seat. I couldn’t help  but look at Kara as I walked past her and she looked so mad I couldn't help but laugh.

 

“That was amazing, Carmen.” Alan enthused as he stood to let me past him. Donna gave me a tearful hug which was a bit confusing and then I saw Jensen. I sat down next to him and he was still looking down at his pants.

 

I leaned over to his ear. “Ackles, why are you crying?” I whispered, trying not to sound like I was making fun of him although I might have been a little bit.

 

He wiped under his eyes and made a face at me, pulling me into his side as he presses his lips to my forehead gently. “You’re amazing. You amaze me.”

 

I felt so proud and so confident in that moment. And I realized it was because of him. He made me feel brave. He made me feel strong. Having someone who would back me up no matter what was making me confident in a way I never thought was possible. We made our way into the hall that was adjoined to the church for refreshments after the service finished and Jensen didn’t leave my side. I greeted people he knew who all praised me for my singing and I thanked them, feeling stronger with him next to me.

 

We went out into the sunshine with our sodas, sitting on the front steps. Jensen sat on the step behind me, letting his knees hit my side’s so he was still protecting me.

 

I tested my weight against his leg and began to speak. “I didn’t think I was going to be able to do that. Every part of me just wanted to run, to just grab you and run but I saw her sitting there staring me down, trying to hit me where it hurts. And I couldn’t let her win. I couldn’t give her the satisfaction.” Jensens hand slid through my hair as I spoke and I felt myself leaning back against him. His presence was so calming, so safe and I felt indestructible with him around.

 

“You were breath taking, Carmen. I haven’t heard you sing like that before. You did so well, darlin’. I’m so proud of you.” His lips pressed to the top of my head in a long lingering kiss and I wanted to stay there forever, surrounded by him, in the Texas sunshine.

 

“Well isn’t this just a picture?” I was shoved out of our own private paradise by Kara’s voice sending shivers up my spine. I looked up at her, immediately wishing I hadn't. “So what, are you guys like an item now?” She scoffed at the absurdity of that notion and I honestly wanted to throw my soda at her.

 

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” I asked her, Jensens hand shifting from my hair to rub the back of my neck gently.

 

She scowled down at me, “Why? Do you own the church now?” She returned. I rolled my eyes at her ridiculousness and moved to stand up.

 

“If you want to act like a child Kara that’s up to you, but we're not going to stoop to your level okay?” I threw my soda can into a nearby trash can and turned to Jensen. “Can we go?”

 

He nodded. “Just let me tell my parents. I’ll be right back. Are you okay here or do you want to come with me?” I looked over at Kara who was staring at our intimacy with avid disgust.

 

“I’ll be fine.” I told him, running my hand down his forearm.

 

“I’ll be right back.” He leaned down, kissing me gently before he took off at full speed.

 

I leaned back against the doors, still trying to enjoy the Texan heat and sunshine.

 

“Why can’t you just leave him alone?” Kara asked, her voice sombre and slow. “Why did you have to take him from me?”

 

I opened one eye, looking at her. “He broke up with you, Kara. Maybe if you weren’t so full on with him he'd still be with you. I've only been here a week.”

 

“Exactly! You’ve only been here a week.” I could see the tears in her eyes and hear them in her voice and I pushed off the doors to look at her properly. “Do you know how long I spent trying to get him to even look twice at me, 2 years! He didn’t even kiss me until after we'd been dating for a month! You come here and after not even a week he would do anything for you.”

 

“I wouldn’t go that far, Kara.”

 

“Oh really? Please, I’ve known him for years. He won’t even talk to his friends. Or me. All he wants to do is hang out with you. Why? What do you have that I don’t? Why you and not me?”

 

“Because Carmen isn’t a fake like you, Kara.” Jensen spoke up re-joining us. Kara flinched at his sudden reappearance and took a step back from me. “From the moment we started dating you changed, Kara. You didn’t want me, you wanted the profile that being with me gave you. You were playing games the entire relationship and I finally had enough. So leave Carmen out of this because it has nothing to do with her.”

 

I held my hands out to Jensen and he came to my side, pulling me against him again. “Don’t, Jen.”

 

“No, I've had enough. Kara, this has to stop. I’m not going to spend my Senior year battling with you. What you did to Carmen today was spiteful and unfair. I tried to be amicable with you. I tried to stay friends but you seem so hell-bent on trying to hurt us that I don’t even think I can do that anymore.” Kara was crying and I felt so bad for her, even after everything she had done, I still felt for the girl. She loved him. In her own weird way, she did.

 

“Stop Jen. That’s enough.” I touched my palm to his stomach, willing him to stop with my eyes. He looked down at me, his expression softening as he gazed at me.

 

“Please stop trying to come between us. I’m with Carmen now. You need to realize that. We're done.” When Jensen said those final words Kara ran back inside the church, sobbing. I felt horrible.

 

“I feel so bad for her.” I said gently, looking after her.

 

“Why? After everything she’s said and done to you, why would you possibly feel sorry for her?”

 

I looked up at Jensen and looked him over for a second, realizing something. “You’ve never wanted someone you can’t have before have you?”

 

He frowned at me. “What do you mean?” he blinked at me several times and I sighed heavily.

 

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s go. Did you tell your parents?”

 

His eyes lit up. “Oh yeah I did. Your family are coming to our house for lunch so they want us to go to the store and get a few things.” He pulled a list out of his pocket, waving it in front of me.

 

“Oh, okay. Let’s go then.” I moved towards his truck and he jogged to catch up with me, his hand finding mine so naturally.

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

“Did we get everything?” Jensen asked as he piled the shopping bags into the back of his truck.

 

I nodded, double checking the list that his Mom had written out in a hurried scrawl. “We most definitely did.” I went to the passenger side of the truck and let myself in, climbing up and buckling myself in, closing the door behind me. Jensen opened the drivers side, appearing in the doorway with a pout on his face.  “What?” I laughed.

 

“You didn’t let me open your door for you. I like putting you in the car.” He climbed in, still sulking at me.

 

I scoffed at his silliness. “I am a very capable woman you know. 2 arms and all that.”

 

He frowned even further, starting the truck. “It’s not even about that, Carmen. I know you can do that. I know you can open doors and pull out chairs and things like that but it’s me being able to do small things like that for you that make me feel like I’m protecting you, that I’m keeping you safe. I just want you to be safe and happy.”

 

He pulled out and I stared at him in wonder. He was so unlike any other guy I had ever come across in my life. “How are you real?”

 

He laughed glancing over at me as he drove. “What do you mean?”

 

“You’re so sweet and you know just what to say. I didn’t know guys like you existed. Like a fairy-tale.”

 

He snorted at that notion. “I am no Prince, Carmen let me get that straight right now. I can’t live up to those expectations. Listen, can we talk about something before we get to my house?” His tone had gone serious and I felt a lump rise in my throat. “And unclasp your hands, I can’t comfort you while I’m driving in this traffic.”

 

I looked down at my hands and snorted. “Sorry.” I placed my hands on my thighs. He was so attuned with me it was scary.

 

“The whole girlfriend thing, is that okay? Is it too soon? If it’s too much for you I’ll stop saying it.”

 

I shrugged, picking at my dress. “Well, it’s true isn’t it?”

 

“Is it? And don’t say you’re a girl and you’re my friend because I don’t kiss my friends. So don’t even say that.” I giggled at him. He was funny sometimes. “I'll just do whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want I'll go with.”

 

I looked over at him. “What do you want, Jensen? This isn’t just about me. What do you want?”

 

He pulled up at a red light and looked over at me. He reached over, pulling my hand into his. “Honestly? I want this. I want you next to me, as much and as often as possible. That’s what I want. I just want you.”

 

I slipped down in my seat, drowning in a pool of romance. “How do you do that?”

 

Jensen laughed, taking his hand back to shift gears as we began to move again. “Do what?”

 

“You always know exactly what to say to make me feel better. You always know me better than I do and I’ve only known you a week. I feel like I’ve known you forever. I’ve spent my entire life alone, not including my brother or parents. I don’t have any cousins. The only friend I’ve ever had has been my brother and he's great but it’s not the same. I never imagined this would happen to me. I always thought I was too shy. I was too insecure. I wasn't open enough. I couldn’t offer enough. I wouldn’t be around long enough. So I just stopped trying.”

 

We pulled up to the side of the road and I realized we must have arrived at Jensens house. He killed the engine and turned to me, waving for me to continue.

 

“I want to be with you, Jensen.” He gave a sigh of relief and I reached over for his hand. He gave it to me, wrapping his other hand over both of ours. “But I don't want what’s happened between you and Kara, to happen to you and I.” His face fell.

 

“Carmen, I....I would never....I cant. I cant.”

 

I shook my head, smiling warmly at him. “I’m not easy to be with, I know, I’ve spent 17 years in here. But I’ve seen what happens first hand to someone who used to be with you. So if we do this, I need to know, I need for you to swear to me that if this doesn’t work out, if you and I don’t work out, that we'll still be friends. Because I can’t lose you. You're the only friend I’ve ever had.”

 

He pulled his hand from mine and unbuckled his seatbelt. He got out of the car and I watched him walk around to my side of the truck and he opened the door.  He reached in, holding my cheek in his hand. “I swear to you, I will do everything within my power to keep you safe and happy. If you’re mine I will protect you and care for you. And I swear I will be your friend for as long as you’ll have me. So Guilford...what'll it be?” he toyed a strand of my hair between his fingers and I stared up into his eyes.

 

 _Here goes nothing._ “Yes, Jensen. Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend.”

 

The smile that graced his gorgeous face made my heart sing. He reached in, undoing my seatbelt and he pulled me out of the truck and into a hug. I laughed loudly as he swung me around in the middle of the street in Richardson, Texas. I don’t remember a time where I’ve ever been happier than I was just then. I didn’t want it to end.

 

_Today, I made Jensen Ackles my first boyfriend._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: aww so fluffy. ^_^


	6. Shes So Afraid to Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First times, fights and an accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **She's So Afraid to Kiss**



The first few months of our relationship were bliss. There was no other way to describe it. Jensen was more than I ever could’ve imagined. He was attentive and protective, encouraging and kind. Every day I spent with him I fell for him a little harder, a little more than the day before.

And the more time I spent around him, being in his presence and bonding with him I began to change too. My nerves weren’t as easily rattled as they once were. I sung in church more often. Michael, the worship leader had even begun to give me singing lessons, teaching me how to breathe better so I could get more power out.

 

School was so different as well. A few of Jensens friends had returned to his side. He introduced me to them one at a time, outside of school hours so it wasn’t so intimidating. Two I had grown most close with were Scott and Lydia. Scott was Jensens oldest friend. They had met in preschool and had been friends ever since. Scott had explained to Jensen that the only reason he stayed so distant for so long was because he was jealous that Jensen wanted to spend so much of his time with a total stranger.

 

I understood that and so did Jensen. Jen made more of an effort after that to hang out with him. And that’s how I got closer to Lydia, Scott’s long time girlfriend and also childhood friend of Jensens. She was fun, and confident. Funny without meaning to be. She and I got along right away, almost like a sister I never had. She helped me a lot to figure out certain behaviours of Jensens.

 

Something I came to learn was that although Jensen was popular and friendly, outgoing and charming, he was also incredibly introverted. He lived in his head most of the time, as did I, so although it was something we both found we had in common it sometimes meant it took a little longer for us to be ready to openly share our feelings to one another. Which was frustrating.

 

Kara had backed off for the most part. Although she had made the rest of Jensens large friend group choose side’s and they split 50/50 much to Jensens disappointment. Some of those people he'd known his whole life. But he said it was worth it, that if he could keep me and Kara would leave me and him alone it was okay.

 

 I did still feel for her. I saw her walking through the halls. One minute she'd be laughing with her friends and then the next she'd spot my hand in Jensens or his arm around me and her smile would disappear. Jensen never understood why I felt so much empathy for her. We sat in his room one day doing homework when the topic of Kara came up. We had had a beautiful dinner with his family that Donna had prepared and moved ourselves up to his room afterwards. He was sitting at his desk, his legs up on the surface, crossed at the ankle as he spun a basketball on his finger. I was on his bed, my back against the wall with my legs stretched out in front of me and one of Jensens jumpers keeping me warm. It was all very cosy.

 

He had looked up from his Chemistry homework and asked me out of nowhere why I felt bad for Kara. I hadn’t mentioned it for awhile but be could see the guilt on my face when we saw her. “I just can’t understand that after everything she did to you, and everything she did to me, what she tried to make me do, I don’t understand why you still feel bad for her?”

 

I put my pencil down and looked at him. His stupid lips were pouting at me and it was awfully distracting since I was already surrounded by his scent since I was wearing his jumper.  “I guess because I don’t know her like you do. We have different opinions.”

 

He actually looked a bit angry at me. “She was vile to you. She called you a freak.”

 

I shrugged, fiddling the pencil between my fingers. “People can say some awful things when they’re in pain. Besides it’s not like she’s wrong.” I tried to laugh at off. But Jensen wasn’t having it. He shook his head at me and then threw the ball at the wall and it bounced off, hitting one of his trophies that broke as it hit the floor. I nearly jumped out of my skin, a little squeal escaping my mouth. I looked at him wide eyed, in total shock, and to be honest I was a little scared.

 

“You are not a freak, Carmen! If anyone's  a freak it’s her. She is malicious and cruel,” He stood up, his long legs crossing the floor to his window in no time. “She has no sympathy for anyone’s feelings but her own. She doesn’t care about me. She doesn’t have the capacity to care about anyone else.”

 

“Jensen...” My voice came out as a shaky breath and he must’ve sensed the fear in my voice because he turned to me. He eyed me up and sat down on his window ledge, crossing his arms in front of him. I tried to hide the hurt, that he didn’t come to me when he could sense I needed his comfort.

 

“She almost ruined my reputation, Carmen. She spread that I used her and then dropped her like I was some cold hearted bastard. She made you believe I was something I’m not. She took friends from me. She took respect from me. She tried to turn my name to mud and you sit there and defend her like she didn’t know what she was doing.”

 

“She loves you Jensen...” The anger rose in him and he stood, towering. I felt my body press back against the wall and my knees moved to my chest involuntarily.

 

I could see the anger seething in him. His hand was shaking as he lifted it to his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “If you say that to me one more time Carmen I swear...”

 

I should’ve listened. “She does Jensen, I know it’s hard for you to see but she does, she just didn’t go about it the right way, love can make people do crazy things and...”

 

“STOP!” He screamed, grabbing the nearest object which happened to be a book and he threw it across the room, hitting another trophy off his shelf and onto the floor. And before I could stop myself I was scrambling to my feet. I grabbed my book in one hand and my backpack in the other and fled from the room as fast as I possibly could. I ran down the stairs, leaving my shoes behind, a flurry of tears making their way down my cheeks as I ran. Donna came out of the kitchen as I dashed across the living room and across the front landing and I heard Jensen on the stairs behind me. “Carmen, I'm sorry! Please!?” he begged and I heard the fear in his voice this time.

 

“Carmen, what happened?!  Jensen!!” Donna was frantic as she watched me crying, running from her home and her son chasing me down.

 

I didn’t answer her I just threw open the door and ran. I jumped off his front porch and sprinted across the grass, sobbing and scared. My bare feet hit the pavement and I didn’t stop, I ran the whole way home.

 

I let myself into my house, silence greeting me. Nobody was home. I was alone. I locked the door after me and turned the lights off and made my way to my room. My breathing was still frantic and I fell onto my bed trying to calm down. I heard his truck on my street as I thought I would and I turned off my light, creeping into the hallway. I heard him kill his engine and his heavy footfall as he ran up the front path and up the porch steps and then his fists were against my front door.

 

I sat myself down on the top step, watching the door through the darkness, willing my tears to stop.

 

“Carmen?! Please, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry sweetheart. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to scare you! I’m sorry! Please forgive me?!” his banging on the door weakened and I could hear him chastising himself for his behaviour. “I know you don’t want to see me. I know you don’t want to talk but please just let me know that you’re okay?! Please, Carmen!? I need to know you’re okay.”

 

I crept down the stairs and made my way towards the door. But I couldn't open it. I was still too shaken up. I put my hand against the door, pressing the side of my face against the wood.

 

“I’m so sorry sweetheart. It wasn’t you. I wasn’t mad at you I swear. It wasn’t you. I'd never hurt you.” He was choking on his words and without even seeing him I knew he was crying. “Are you okay? Please be okay?”

 

I swallowed heavily, trying to keep my voice clear so he wouldn’t panic and hate himself even more. “I'm okay Jensen.”

 

I heard and felt him throw himself against the door as it shook on it's hinges. “Oh my god, baby, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me? Please, I would never hurt you!”

 

I took a step back from the door, letting my hands clasp together, needing the comfort. Even though the comfort I really needed was on the other side of the door, and I was still too scared to see him. Which I hated.

 

“Please let me in.” He tried one last time.

 

I shut my eyes, trying to clear my head. “I just need some space, Jensen. I’m okay, I swear to you.” My hands were so tightly clasped I thought I might bruise. But I needed it to keep me grounded so I wouldn’t break down or he would hear me.

 

“I’m sorry, Carmen.  Please, I just need to see you.”

 

I shook my head no even though he couldn’t see me. “I’m okay Jensen. I’m just going to go to bed, okay? Just go home. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

 

“Carmen...” He sounded so sad, I wanted to let him in but I couldn't .

 

“Just go home, Jensen. I’ll see you at school.”

 

He was silent for a few minutes and if I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought he had left. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

“I’m okay. Go home Jensen.”

 

Another few minutes of silence and I heard him move off the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.”

 

I heard his feet move away and I quickly moved towards the door. “Jensen?!”

 

“Yes, darlin’?”

 

I stroked the wood, feeling guilty before I’d even asked. “Please don’t pick me up in the morning.”

 

“What?!” I could hear the shock. He wasn’t expecting that. “No, please...”

 

“I need time Jensen. I’ll see you at school .” I bit my lip to keep the tears out of my voice, but they were present, pouring endlessly down my cheeks.

 

“I'm  so sorry Carmen.” His voice was breaking my heart, he was breaking my heart. I hated it.

 

“Goodnight Jensen.” I stepped away from the door, slowly making my way up the stairs. Just as I reached the top I heard him whisper a goodnight and his slow, sad, footsteps made their way back to his truck.

 

I went to my room, shutting the door. I walked over to the doors to my balcony and watched him in the soft light coming from the street lamps outside. His shoulders were hunched and one hand was buried deep in his pocket. The other was gripping his hair and wiping at his face. I felt a sob rise in my chest as he climbed into his truck and slowly pulled away from my house and away from me.

 

I closed the curtains, and let it all out. That night I fell into a restless sleep. All green eyes and tears welcoming me in my dreams.

 

I woke up  the next morning with a headache. I dragged myself through a shower and got dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a shirt, not really caring. I eyed Jensens jumper in the corner of my room and I frowned at it, as if the owner was on the floor of my room not the garment itself.

 

I grabbed a baggy cardigan and pulled it on, shoving my abandoned math book into my bag. I was running late as everything seemed to be a bit slow with me today. I opened my door, making sure I had everything in my bag.

 

Caleb was already there, chewing on a pop tart. He smiled at me and then stopped what he was doing, looking me over. “You look awful.”

 

I rolled my eyes at him. “Thanks. We have to go.”

 

“Why? Jensens not even here yet.”

 

I put my backpack on and moved to go downstairs.  “We're catching the bus today. And no I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Uh oh.” Caleb said behind me, following me down the stairs anyway. I said goodbye to my mom who didn’t question why Jensen wasn’t coming around but she hoped my day would get better. Caleb fell in step beside me as we made our way to the bus stop. He didn’t pry. He never would.

 

The bus came and we got on, immediately letting my hair fall around me, protecting me from anyone who wanted to question why I wasn’t with Jensen since we were practically attached at the hip since we were made official. I kept my head down, even while Caleb who was sitting next to me was talking to other people on the bus. We made it to school and I followed Caleb off with my hair protecting me.

 

I heard Kara somewhere near me, questioning someone why I was on the bus and not with Jensen and I ignored her, making my way towards the school building. Caleb stopped in front of me and I almost ran into his back since my head was still down. I looked up at him and he was looking at someone in the car park.

He looked at me, his eyes running over my face. “What’d he do to you?” he asked softly so only I could hear. I shook my head and he frowned back at who I now assumed was Jensen. “Its obviously pretty bad if he's over there on the verge of tears looking guilty as sin and you’re over here hiding behind your hair again  and you can’t even look at him.

 

“Look, what happened between he and I is our business. He didn’t touch me. He didn’t force himself on my or whatever worst case scenario you have going through your head. I just need some time and space. If you can’t respect that then you can leave me alone as well.” I turned, pushing my way past him and headed into the school.

 

  * * * * * * * * *



**Caleb's P.O.V**

I watched my sister go into the school, by the way she was walking I could see she was carrying the weight of the world. I turned, looking back at Jensen who had his head in his hand where be was leaning against the hood of his truck. I felt for the guy.

 

I walked over to him. He didn’t even lift his head as I threw my bag onto the hood next to his. I leaned back beside him, waiting for the right time to talk but he beat me to it, letting his hand fall from his face. His eyes were watery.

 

“Did she tell you what I did?”

 

I shook my head, “She said it wasn’t as bad as what first went through my head which I have to say man, I’m happy to hear.” I laughed but he didn’t even crack a grin.

 

“I scared her. I let my anger get the best of me and I scared her. She looked terrified.” His eyes were so distant, like he was reliving the fear in her eyes. I had seen it so often before it was no wonder it haunted him, it still haunted me.

 

“You yelled at her?” I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. I didn’t want to be mad at him. My sister being afraid wasn’t his fault, at least not originally.

 

“I yelled, I threw things, things broke.” He jammed his palms into his eyes again, trying to push his emotions back inside his face I was guessing. This dude really did care about my sister.

 

“I’m not going to ask what exactly happened, as she said it’s not my business. But I like what you do for her, I like how you’ve bought her to life in the past few months and I think you two could last. So I’m going to tell you why she may have reacted in the way I think she did. But you can’t hold it against her. She’s been called a freak enough times in the past few years I think she’s starting to believe it.”

 

“She’s not a freak!”

 

I held my hands up. “Dude, I know. That girl is my twin in case you've forgotten. Look, Carmen has been through so much shit in the past few years and I need for you to realize she wasn’t always the way she is.” He looked over at me and I took that as a sign to continue. “3 schools ago, she was 16. There was a group of boys at the school who took an interest in her. Probably in a sexual way or I don’t know, she was the new girl, they were curious. One of then cornered her in a bathroom and tried to...do things to her. I didn’t want to know the intricate details and I’ve never asked her, I never would. But when she said ‘No' the guy had back up. She was trapped in the bathroom with about 7 guys before someone found her. She locked herself in a cubicle. They shouted and threw things,” he flinched visibly. But I kept going. “They broke the mirrors and threw the shards over the cubicle door. Luckily only a few bits got her, she has a few small scars hidden. But she took the emotional scars with her.

 

That’s why she hides behind her hair. It protects her. Because if she can’t see it, it’s not real. It's why she can’t be in loud crowds. She can’t stand shouting. She can’t be around strangers. She can’t talk to them without panicking and disappearing into her head. That thing she does, with her hands...have you noticed?”

 

Jensen nodded yes.

 

“That started the day that happened. When I went to collect her from the principals office she was sitting in a chair, her eyes were closed and she had her hands clasped in front of her, her thumb was running backwards and forwards in a steady rhythm and she was crying. And she hasn’t stopped doing it since.” I looked over at him and met his eyes. “She stopped when she met you.”

 

Jensen looked down, berating himself under his breath. “I should’ve known. She never told me. I should have known, Caleb. I’m sorry.”

 

I shook my head reaching up to touch my hand to his shoulder in a reassuring manner. I grabbed my bag as the first bell rang. “I don’t blame you. There’s things I love about my sister, her inability to share is not one of them. She is the bravest person I know. And she needs you.”

 

He grabbed his bag as well. “What do I do Caleb? I can’t lose her. I need her too.”

 

I smiled sadly at him, “You won’t man. Just give her time. Let her come to you. She will, slowly.”

 

I left him to his thoughts and headed into school, hoping I hadn’t over stepped my boundaries but I knew my sister, she was never going to tell him.

 

And they needed one another.

 

  * * * * * * * * * * *



 

**Carmen’s P.O.V**

I sat on my own at lunch, I hadn’t seen Jensen since that morning. Not that I actually looked at him. I could hear people whisper about us. Trouble in paradise and all that. I was sitting inside and from where I was sitting I could see the table in the outside courtyard where we usually sat. He wasn’t there when I first looked but he was now. Surrounded by people I would now call our friends who were all laughing and having a good time.

 

But my Jensen....my...Jensen. He looked so sad. He sat alone. His eyes desperately searching the crowds for someone. Maybe for me. I hoped he was looking for me.

 

“He’s a mess you know.” Caleb sat opposite me. I didn’t even have to look at him to know it was him, I'd know that voice anywhere.

 

“I just need time.” I clasped my hands on the table in front of me, worrying them together, something that I was aware of now because Jensen wasn’t here to stop me.

 

“I know. But I also know that that guy out there is going crazy with worry over whatever happened. And he needs you.” I looked over at him. “And whether you admit it or not I know you need him too.”

 

“Caleb...” I whispered.

 

“You don’t have to forgive him right away, but if you’re not planning on running away, let him know. Cos I saw him in the 2 classes we have together and he couldn't even concentrate. He’s terrified. Talk to him, Sis.”

 

He left me alone to my thoughts and I  knew he was right. I didn’t have to forgive Jensen today. And I didn’t have to forget. But I needed him. I needed his energy, I needed him to calm my mind. I needed him to hold me and make his voice soothing again, not the abrasive yelling I’d heard him evoke last night.

 

I got up, throwing my uneaten lunch into the trash and I grabbed my backpack, placing it over one shoulder. I made it to the door that separated the courtyard from the cafeteria and I pushed it open, my eyes on him.

 

And immediately, his eyes were on me. Like he was waiting. I kept my eyes on his as I approached the table and he stood when he realized I wasn’t about to run away. The table grew quiet and Lydia was subtly trying to move everyone to one end of the table to give me room.

 

I made my way around our friend's and stood in front of him.  He looked so scared. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his baggy blue jeans and he was giving me serious puppy dog eyes. _How am I supposed to stay mad at that?_

 

I put my bag down and took a seat in the chair beside his. I sat and looked up at him, gesturing for him to sit down. He did so, carefully. And as soon as his butt was on the seat I reached for him, wrapping my arms around his waist, tucking my face against his neck, breathing him in.

 

He hesitated for a moment, probably in shock that I was touching him. And then his arms were around me, pulling me to him, holding me against him. He let out a sigh of relief and I felt his lips press to the top of my head.

 

“I don’t want to talk right now. We can talk later. I just need you.” I wrapped myself around him, feeling my body relax immediately. I rubbed my nose against the soft bit of skin that ran under his ear and I felt him shudder. I knew he liked that.

 

I moved my head back from his neck and looked up into his eyes. His hand came to rest on my cheek, his thumb rubbing gently. “I’m sorry, baby. It’ll never happen again.” He whispered, his eyes searching my face.

 

“I know.” I moved up, pressing my lips against his. My hand came up, wrapping around the back of his neck and I heard a small groan escape from his throat. I wanted to make him make that sound again. I moved, not breaking contact with his lips and moved to sit on his lap. He adjusted, making room for me and I felt my lips part. I’d never kissed with tongue before, but for some reason, here, in the middle of our courtyard at lunchtime on a school day, I wanted to try.

 

I wanted to be closer to him. I kissed him again, my lips separated and he inhaled, reading the signals as to what I wanted. He pushed me back, looking up into my eyes. I nodded and pressed my forehead to his, feeling his hot breath on my face. He smelt of lemonade and mint. “What do you want, Carmen?” he whispered.

 

“Kiss me, Jensen.” I ran my hands down the sides of his face. I was practically vibrating I wanted him so badly. “Kiss me.”

 

 He ran his hands around to the back of my neck and his eyes stayed on mine. He held my face tightly but not so much it hurt and he pulled me slowly towards him, our lips meeting in the middle.  He teased me with a few soft kisses and then I felt him lick my bottom ljp. I produced an incredibly inhuman noise and that seemed to stir him on because he didn’t waste another second. His tongue met mine and we kissed gently, but passionately.

 

I could've died right then and died happy. If he kissed me like this for much longer there was no was I was going to make it to my next class.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you both made up but do you have to be so graphic?” It was Lydia’s voice that pulled us apart eventually. I unwrapped myself from around Jensen and turned, seeing all the eyes at our table looking at us. I knew I was blushing and when I looked at Jensen he was too.

 

Jensen walked me to my last class of the day which was Gym class, much to my dismay. He said he would meet me in the gym after class because he had Basketball practice anyway. I had just changed out of my Gym gear and was making my way back into the gym when Scott (who had also made the team) came running out.

 

“There you are!” he was so panicked he made my adrenaline race as soon as I saw him. “It’s Jensen. Come quick.”

 

I followed him though I’m not sure how since I don’t remember being able to move my feet. I ran behind Scott into the gym and I spotted Jensen on the ground, clutching his knee. I didn’t stop sprinting until I was by his side. I fell to my knees and immediately wanted to find some way to stop the look of pain that was on his gorgeous face. He was grunting and writing on the floor. “What the hell happened?”

 

Scott was kneeling opposite me. “He was fooling around with the ball but he wasn’t wearing his sneakers just those stupid boots and he slipped on the wax floor and fell.”

 

I reached for his arms, gently coaxing them off his knee that he was clutching. “Let me see it, Jensen. Let it go!!”

 

He removed his hands and I finally got a look at his knee. It was red and swollen but it didn’t look that bad.

 

“Sweetheart I don’t think it’s broken.” I told Jensen who had finally stopped wiggling around like a fish.

 

“But it hurts so bad!” Jensen whined.

 

I was fairly certain it was just a sprain but Jensen insisted it was bad so Scott went and got some crutches from the nurse and one of Jensen’s teammates grabbed an ice pack.

 

An hour later I walked slowly beside Jensen who was hobbling along on his crutches protecting what the school nurse had diagnosed as a bad sprain. I shifted Jensens school bag onto my shoulder, holding my backpack in my hand before hooking it onto my arm.

 

“I can drive the truck Jensen I swear.” He was so annoying. Just because I didn’t have a car didn’t mean I couldn't drive.

 

“It’s stick, Carmen. And she’s hard to handle okay?” We rounded Jensens truck and I stepped in front of him, stopping him from moving towards the drivers side.

 

“I can handle her. Besides, you need both your legs in this truck, I’ve seen you drive her, I can do this.” I held my hand out for the keys and he shifted his weight.

 

“I don’t know baby.”

 

I scowled at him, giving him ‘The Face’. “Give me the keys right now. I'm driving your dumb butt home, getting you settled with some Ice and pain relief and then I'll pick you up for school in the morning. This is not up for debate, understand? Keys. Now.”

 

He looked scared and a little amused. He handed over his keys, fishing then out of his pocket. “Yes ma'am.”

 

I helped him get into the truck and then went around to the drivers side. I laughed as soon as I sat in his seat already noticing he was moving my seat back. I swung my legs in the space in front of me realizing how small I was compared to him. “Look how small I am. I can’t even reach.”

 

I searched for the seat lever and pulled myself closer to the pedals, lowering the seat as well. “That'll be fun to move back. Geez, you really are tiny, baby.”

 

I smiled at him with my tongue between my teeth. “I know. I’m cute. Eat your heart out.” I started the truck and said a little silent prayer before reversing out of the parking space and out of the school car park. The truck was beautiful to drive, if not a little heavy on the acceleration and the gears were a bit sticky when you changed but I was certain I would get used to that.

 

I parked out the front of Jensens house where he usually parked, pulled on the hand break, turned the truck off and turned to Jensen who looked so turned on I almost choked.

 

“Woah. What?” I laughed feeling the blush rise in my neck.

 

“You drive her almost as good as me. You have my full permission to drive her as much and as often as you like you understand? I want to see you do that again.”

 

I grinned at him, happy that I could make him proud just by doing something as simple as driving.

 

_Today, I drove Jensens truck for the first time, and made out for the first time...at school...in a communal area._

_Oops._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Im not sure where to start the next chapter. We could go from when they get inside the house or keep the narrative going or a mixture of both, I just feel like it hasnt been that long haha I dont know, I hope youre still enjoying it.
> 
> And thanks to Athena, Kiss Orsolya and LissieRT for the comments. Means alot.
> 
> And to all the lurkers, thanks for reading this garbage. ^_^
> 
> -R


	7. I Don't Wanna Fight No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First heart breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I Don't Wanna Fight No More**



**“** Do we have to do the whole Halloween thing Jen?” I pleaded for the 100th time as I followed him around the costume shop with Lydia and Scott in tow.

 

Jen ignored me, continuing to pull costumes off the hangers and hold them against himself. He really was enjoying this more than he should have been. “We could go for a group theme?” he looked over me, asking Scott.

 

I scoffed, turning to Lydia who was behind me, “Why do I feel like we're not even needed here?” I asked her and she rolled her eyes, grabbing my arm and leading me off around the shop, leaving the boys to decide what we would wear. “They better not dress us up like hookers.” I said as we found some couches by the changing area and sat down.

 

“I have no idea why they're so excited for Halloween. It’s not like we can even trick or treat anymore.” Lydia picked some costume jewellery off a rack beside her and proceeded to put on every piece on the rack. I snorted as she got up, checking herself out in a nearby mirror.

 

“I think Jensens excited because he hasn’t been able to do much the last few weeks, because of his knee.” I explained. He had been a total nuisance the past few weeks. It didn’t usually take that long for a sprain to heal but because he was so stubborn and continued to do things he shouldn't have been doing it took longer. He probably kept off his leg for 3 days max. He missed driving, he missed his sports and he hated feeling like I had to look after him. I tried my best to get him to stop, warning that it’d take longer to get better if he continued to be an ass but he didn’t listen to me.

 

I was right though, of course. And now it was Halloween, it had come around so much quicker than I realized and we had all been invited to a party at Kara’s house. Yes, that's right, Kara. Over the past few weeks she and her group of friends had somehow re-joined ours and we'd become one big group again. They came slowly, somehow knowing I would freak if the group went from 10 to 20 in one day. But surely enough, it happened. I still didn’t know everyone’s names.

 

And Kara was actually being nice. Which was weird. Jensen was sceptical as to her intent but we both decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She kept to her friends and we kept to our foursome and it worked. After the fight we had over her we decided not to let her come between us anymore. By us arguing over her and allowing her to be a point of contention we were letting her win, and that wasn't what either of us wanted. So we put all of our opinions and anger in a box and put it away.

 

Out of sight out of mind right?

 

One thing that had caused a bit of an argument was Caleb. Jensen had let it slip that he had come to him the day I needed space and talked to him about me without my permission. We were both at my house playing a video game in my room when it came up and I  had stormed into Caleb’s room demanding he explain himself.

 

“What gave you the right to tell him that? I don’t need you making excuses for me and my emotions, Caleb!”

 

He was doing an assignment at his desk when I had barged in and he had barely looked up. “I only told him because I knew you wouldn’t and he needed to know. Your past is nothing to be ashamed of Carmen. And I figured if he knew what happened, he’d be able to help you.”

 

I frowned, pointing a finger at him. “Stay out of my relationship.” I left him in his room and went back to Jensen who spent the next few hours trying to get me to apologise to my brother, because we all knew he did the right thing. I wasn’t going to tell Jensen. And he needed to know.

 

When I apologized to Caleb on our way down to dinner all he said was ‘I know and you’re welcome.’. Such a brat.

 

I wasn’t looking forward to the party to be honest. It meant lots of people, lots of strangers, a place I didn't know, and probably alcohol. All things that set me on edge. The boys had chosen Scooby Gang costumes. Lydia and Scott were going to be Shaggy and Velma and Jensen had managed to wrangle us Fred and Daphne. They even got me an orange wig. I was going to look ridiculous. We were all getting ready at Jensens house since he was going to drive us all there.

 

Lydia and Scott had barricaded themselves in Jensens bathroom to get dressed leaving Jensen and I in his bedroom. We decided to change facing opposite ways. It was tricky, and tempting knowing he was half naked behind me and all I wanted to do was look. But I didn’t. I changed into the purple shirt dress that stopped about mid thigh.

 

“Oh wow this is short.” I complained, feeling incredibly insecure.

 

“I thought you might say that. There’s some light purple tights in the bag I got for you, sweetheart.” Jensen said from somewhere behind me.

 

“Oh you’re a lifesaver.” I grabbed them out of the bag and sat down on the bed to pull them on. In doing so, I didn’t think it through, and ended up getting an eyeful of Jensen, shirtless as he was pulling his blue pants up his legs. “Oh wow.” I whispered with my tights pulled half way up my thighs. His skin was so smooth. A few freckles were dotted across his back and all I wanted to do was reach out and touch them. Jensen turned when he heard me speak and I went wide eyed as he took in my tights halfway down my legs. “Jensen!!”

 

He laughed and turned his back to me again. “What are you even doing?”

 

I pulled my tights up my legs and stood up. “I was putting my tights on and I got distracted.”

 

“By what?” he teased, turning around now dressed in his blue collared button down with the soft white jumper on over the top.

 

“Shut up.” I laughed back, he knew full well what distracted me. I grabbed his orange scarf out of the bag and threw it at him. I grabbed my lime green scarf and purple headband out. I tied the scarf loosely around my neck, and grabbed the wig from it’s bag. Jensen sat on the bed beside me as I proceeded to French braid and pin my hair to my head. He often watched me do things like this, I couldn’t blame him, I watched him all the time too.

 

I finished up and grabbed the wig, tilting my head forward in front of the mirror sitting on the wall opposite me. I put it on and positioned it properly before flipping my head back. I began to style it with a comb and looked over at Jensen who had a look of wonder on his face.

 

“What are you thinking over there, Ackles?” I smirked and his eyes drifted from my hands down to my eyes.

 

“How do you know how to do that, Carmen? The wig thing.” He pointed at the wig, lifting his fingers to toy some of the stringy orange curls between his fingers. He made a face and let it go. “It looked softer.”

 

I smiled. “I wasn’t always broken remember? When I was younger my parents got me and my brother into stage shows, musical theatre. It didn’t stick for my brother for long, he had too much energy to be told what to do but I loved it. Being on stage and performing.” I was smiling so hard it wasn’t until the flashback of memories hit me suddenly that I remembered why I stopped. “But things happen.” I put the purple headband in place and dragged the purple go-go boots along the floor towards me. Jensen ducked down to kneel on the floor in front of me and took the boots out of my hands, placing them on the floor..

 

He touched his hands to my cheeks in the way I'd gotten so used to him doing. “You're not broken, Carmen. You’re beautiful.” He leant forward and kissed me, and I don’t know if it was the emotion that was still so raw or the fact I could still picture his shirtless body in my mind but I pulled him toward me. He rose off the ground, moving us back so he was pressed gently against my body. I gasped into his kiss and my open mouth met his, our tongues meeting. I ran my hands down his spine and up the back of his jumper and across the skin of his naked back, enticing the sexiest moan from him I'd ever heard in my life.

 

I moved my mouth from his, needing to catch my breath and he pressed open mouth kisses down my neck. “Jen...” I trailed  off, gasping again as his tongue ran across my collar bone. “...we need to stop.” I whispered.

 

He stopped, breathing heavily for a few moments against my neck. He cleared his throat and pushed himself off me with a hand either side of my head. “I’m sorry.” He said, his eyes searching mine. “You’re okay?”

 

I snorted at him, pushing him off me with a firm hand to his chest and he settled back onto his knees in front of me. “I’m fine. You better not have crinkled my dress, Ackles.”

 

Without warning he lifted my leg, putting my boot on for me. I watched him perform his task, his brow furrowed in concentration. He zipped the first one up my calf and then placed it onto the floor carefully and then repeated the process with my other foot. He was so gentle with me, so caring. He finished, placing my foot back onto the floor and smiled up at me.

 

“Thank you.” I leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his lips as the bathroom door opened and Lydia and Scott came out in their full costumes. I pulled away, looking over at them, immediately laughing at Scott’s wig and we finished getting ready for the party.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

I looked out the truck window at Lydia and Scott who were huddled together, waiting for Jensen and I. _Why? Why do you think?_

 

I shut my eyes again, concentrating on Jensens thumb rubbing circles over my pulse. I hated this. I felt like I was more trouble than I was worth. “I’m sorry Jensen.” I apologized for the tenth time.

 

“Stop apologising. We don’t have to go in if you don’t want to. I’ll take you away from here, just say the word.” And I knew he meant it. But he'd been so excited for this party, it was all he could talk about. I couldn't let him down.

 

I opened my eyes, taking one last look at the house which was pulsing there were so many people inside. I took a deep breath and found some strength from somewhere and looked into Jensen's eyes. “Let’s do this.”

 

He smiled and nodded getting out of the truck. He came round to my side helping me out of the truck, shutting the door after me. I straightened my dress out, pulling the wig around my face as much as possible. “Don’t hide.” He shifted the hair behind my ear and I put my head down. “You look beautiful, Carmen. Please don’t hide.”

 

His hand came up under my chin and he made me look at him. “I feel so vulnerable.” I was shaking and I was trying so hard not to clasp my hands together. He must’ve sensed it because he ran a hand down my forearm and wrapped it around my wrist and then clasped our hands together.

 

“I won’t let you go.” He promised and began to lead us into the house.

 

The house was large, ostentatiously large, museum kind of large. And every inch of the mansion was packed with people I didn’t know.  We entered as a group and the crowd surged, applauding our effort and matching costumes. We slowly made our way through the crowd and Jensen turned at one point, holding a red solo cup in front of me. I took it, smelling the beer that must've been in it. I wasn’t going to drink it but I kept it with me anyway.

 

We made it outside and Kara came through the crowd towards  us. “Oh my god!!” she screamed. She was already drunk and dressed like a playboy bunny of all things. _Of course she was._ “You guys look amazing!! Jensen! Come, come! There’s beer pong over here!” he allowed himself to be dragged through the crowd. I followed behind him, gripping to his hand like it was a lifeline.

 

I let Jensens hand go and he watched me sit on a chair near him. I crossed my legs and folded my arms across myself as much as I could and I noticed Jensen sigh as he read my protective body language. I watched him play several games and he proceeded to get more and more drunk. _Guess I'm driving home tonight._

Jensen plopped down in the chair next to me, handing me another beer which I abandoned with my first one on the floor next to me. “Are you having a good time?” he asked

 

I looked around. I hadn’t talked to anyone outside of Lydia and Scott who had disappeared earlier and this was the first time Jensen had spoken to me since we arrived. “Yeah, I am.”

 

He giggled, and I mean actually giggled. “You’re so funny.” He was smashed. He leaned in, pressing a sloppy, unimpressive kiss to half of my mouth, the rest hit my cheek.

 

“You’re drunk.” I wiped my mouth, pulling away. He frowned, moving towards me like he was going to kiss me again and I ducked out of his way, standing up. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.” I turned before I could see the hurt in his eyes and went back inside. I kept my head down as I made my way through the house, eventually finding a bathroom.

 

I did my business and headed back out to where Jensen was. As I neared the doors I looked out. He was leaning back against one of the pillars, his hand running through Kara s hair like it was the most natural thing in the world. She was laughing and batting her eyelashes at him and it looked so normal. They both downed shots and before I could blink she had grabbed his face, kissing him for the entire party to see.

 

My heart was beating out of my chest. I could hear it in my ears. My hands were shaking, my whole  body was shaking. And he didn’t pull away. I felt like a knife had been driven into my chest. The crowd around them was applauding as they continued to make out and I bit my lip to keep from crying.

 

“Aren’t you his girlfriend?” a total stranger asked from beside me. I shook my head, and began to back away.

 

“I have to go.” I could hardly breathe as I turned, pushing through the crowds to escape.

 

“Carmen!! CARMEN!!” It was Lydia’s voice calling to me through the noise and I blocked them all out, focusing all my energy on getting out of the house. I finally broke through the crowd and sprinted out the door and down the driveway. And I didn’t stop. I knew well enough where I was and at times like this I was surviving on instinct, I could find my way home blindfolded. I don’t know how long it took, maybe 45 minutes of running when I turned into my street. I slowed to a walk and closed the rest of the distance to my house. The lights and Halloween decorations were still on and I knew everyone was home. I didn’t want to see anyone.

 

I didn’t want the questions. I spotted the trellis at the side of my house and ran to it. I took the stupid boots off and began to climb. Adrenaline kept me going and I manoeuvred myself over my balcony railing and landed. I opened my balcony door and crept in, closing it after me.

 

I slid down the wall, falling to a heap by the balcony doors, the moonlight illuminating little but it was still enough. I reached up pulling the stupid wig from my head and I realized something. This was where I belonged. Alone. In my room. I didn’t belong out there with those people. I wasn’t one of them. Jensen was. He needed that. He was the popular jock with the perfect face and perfect body. I was nothing. _I’m nothing._

A knock at the door stole my interest and I came out of my head. I looked out the glass doors from where I was sitting and saw Jensens truck parked haphazardly on the road, the front side wheel on the sidewalk.

 

I pushed open one of the doors a tiny bit so I could hear.

 

My mother answered the door. “Oh, Lydia! What’s wrong honey? Is everything okay?”

 

“Is Carmen here?” she sounded so panicked.

 

“I don’t think so, I thought she was with you. Why is Jensen in the car?”

 

I heard footsteps on the stairs and I flinched when I heard my name from the doorway. “Sis?” Caleb whispered into the darkness. I turned to him. He was half dressed as a ninja turtle. “How did you get back here so fast?”

 

I shrugged, leaning back against the wall. “I ran.”

 

He came in, slowly stepping closer to me. “I saw.” He whispered.

 

“He didn’t drive did he?” I turned back to look out the window. My eyes trained on the truck.

 

“Scott drove. He’s sober.” Caleb sat down against the wall opposite me. “He didn’t mean it, Carmen.”

 

“I know.” I looked down at my hands clasped in front of me. “I know he didn’t. He was drunk. She was there. He thought it was me. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to. It meant nothing. He swore he thought it was me.” As I spoke I glanced over at Caleb, seeing the guilt on his face. “He didn’t mean it. She meant nothing. She meant nothing, Sweetheart. She’s nothing.” I said to myself. I knew what he would say and the fact Caleb said nothing meant I was right.

 

“He’s in love with you.” Caleb whispered and my eyes shot to his. “He didn’t say it. But he doesn’t need to. I can see it in him. The way he cares. The way he moves around you. The way be reads you. He is so in love with you it scares him.”

 

“Stop.” I looked out the window when something caught my eyes. Jensen was out of the truck.  I stood up watching him move towards the house and I knew what I had to do as I ran to the door. I hurled myself down the stairs seeing him through the doorway where Lydia and my mother were still talking.

 

“Carmen! Don't!” I heard Caleb yell but I was already out the door. Jensen ran towards me up the stairs and I met him at the top, crashing into him with my fists.

 

“NO!” I screamed, pushing him back with every emotion I had in me and he toppled back, finding his footing as he slipped down the stairs and onto the grass.

 

“I’m sorry, don’t Carmen. Please. I’m sorry.” He was begging, and crying. He was beautiful.

 

I followed him, pushing him again as much as I could. “Get off my front lawn!!”

 

“She didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even realize it wasn’t you. I thought it was you.”

 

“Don’t you dare!” I pushed him again and Caleb came behind me, holding me against him. “You knew that wasn’t me. You knew she wasn’t me. So don’t you dare! You were playing with her hair, I saw you! You kissed her back! You were touching her and everyone saw!” I let the tears out now. I couldn’t stop them if I tried. “I went to that stupid party for you! I dressed like this for you!!! I fought my way through a panic attack all night for you and you still kissed her!!!”

 

He stared at me, unable to fight back, unable to argue what he knew was true. “I’m sorry. Please? Please forgive me?” he dropped to his knees, as vulnerable as I'd ever seen him. “Forgive me? I know I don’t deserve you. I know all I’ve done is let you down. I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know what happened. Please, please don’t break up with me.”

 

I looked at him. This beautiful man, on his knees, begging for forgiveness from someone like me. The popular jock begging the school freak for mercy. Nothing about this was right.  I shook free from my brother and reached up, pulling the scarf from around my neck. I stepped towards him and threw the scarf at him. “Give that to Kara. I surrender. She can have you.” As I turned away from him I heard him sob, openly and out loud. “Get off my front lawn!” I pushed past everyone, not making eye contact and marched back inside and I didn’t stop until I was locked inside my room.

 

And I grieved.

 

  * * * * * * * * * * * *



 

I stayed in bed all weekend. I couldn’t even bring myself to make it to church. I woke up on Monday and I couldn’t do it. I’d not had a day off from school in years. Tuesday, I stared at the ceiling. Wednesday, I threw his clothes in the garbage. Thursday, I gave it a go. I sat on the bus next to Caleb, my head buried in a book I wasn’t reading, I just needed something to hide behind. I left my hair down. It was greasy. I looked a fright. I knew it. But I didn’t care. I zipped the hoodie up tighter and skunk down in my seat.

 

It hadn’t escaped my notice that Kara wasn't on the bus.

 

We made it to school and I put the book away. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll take you home.” Caleb said, giving my knee a squeeze.

 

I shoved his hand away and stood, waiting for him to move. He sighed and got up, and I followed him to the exit. I put my backpack on and headed towards the school. Caleb fell in step beside me and I ignored him. I blocked out the voices, I blocked out the teasing I got as I made it into the building. I blocked out the laughter and the pointing and numbed myself to everything. I went straight to my locker, opening it as I moved my to open my bag. I then noticed 3 envelopes in my locker, sitting on top of my books. I recognized the scrawled messy handwriting and stuffed down the emotions.

 

I put my bag in my locker and took the two books and binder I needed. I grabbed the letters and then a photo taped to the inside of my locker door caught my attention. The first and only photo I had of Jensen and I. A shitty Polaroid Lydia had taken several weeks earlier at a pep rally for the basketball team. Jensen was in his letterman jacket, I looked pale and awkward. I yanked it off, taping it to the front of one of the letters and I slammed my locker shut. I turned to head to home room and Jensen was there, standing beside me like he was going to say something but he kept fighting against it.

 

The corridor was full but silent. I didn’t have to look to know all eyes were on us. I kept my eyes on my books in my arms. I didn’t want to know what would happen if I looked at him.

 

“Are you okay?” he whispered. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even move. “Carmen? Can you at least look at me?”

 

I stayed how I was. I wasn’t going to break. He wasn’t going to break me. Not with the entire school watching.

 

“I'm sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” He whimpered the last part.

 

I bit down on my tongue.

 

“Oh my god, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you, Jen!” Kara bounced out of the crowds and to his side, draping herself over his shoulder by my locker.

 

And I broke. My eyes met his and I let him see it. I let him see how much he was killing me. How much he had killed me. And I saw his eyes water too. I held out the letters he had written, with the photo of us on top.

 

He broke eye contact for a split second to see what I was holding and then he met my eyes again. “They’re for you. Those are yours.”

 

I held my chin a little higher.  Lifting the letters up higher as well.

 

“God just take them Jen.” Kara laughed, snatching the letters from me. But I didn’t look at her.

 

I stared at him for at least 10 seconds and he broke first, no longer able to keep looking me in the eye with Kara on his arm.

 

I took a deep breath and moved to walk last him when he reached up, gripping my wrist, his thumb on my pulse. I kept my eyes on the floor. “Its not what it looks like, Carmen.”

 

I side eyed him, “It never is.” I whispered and pushed him off me.

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

I stayed out of his way and he stayed out of mine. I made it to church the following Sunday, needing the strength refreshment to get me through another week of school. I waited in the car until the last possible second and snuck into the back of the church not wanting to be seen. I was out of luck.

 

I'd forgotten I was supposed to be singing today.  Michael called me to the stage and I was so glad I had showered and made an effort. I decided to shut my eyes and sing. I walked up the centre aisle, hearing my heartbeat in my ears and I kept my eyes down. I took the microphone from Michael and stood centre stage where I had always stood during our lessons.

 

The piano started and Michael began to speak in praise and I shut my eyes, collecting myself before I sang.

 

“ _When the Saints go to worship, that’s when the king of kings will come in. When the Saints go up in praise that’s when his spirit shall inhabit this place. When the Saints get on one accord and begin to bless their lord. Then the King who is strong and mighty, oh the King who is mighty in battle, yeah the King of glory shall come in.”_

The choir started to sing the next verse and I let my eyes open.  I immediately regretted it. I could see them. Sitting beside one another in the second row. Jensen and Kara. Perfection. I met his eyes and I felt the tears well and start before I could stop them.

 

 _“Deliverance will take place...”_ I let it all out. I could pass it off as the song. I gave it my all. Completely forgetting about the crowd, forgetting about Jensen, forgetting about Kara. I sang for myself. I sang for my faith. I sang because I needed to.

 

I finished the song and opened my eyes to the entire church congregation standing on their feet, clapping enthusiastically. I wiped my eyes and forced a smile. Michael hugged me to him and I gave him the microphone, wanting to quickly disappear. I wrapped my arms around myself as I made a quick dash down the aisle and out the doors and into the Dallas sunshine, letting a breath escape me as I shut the door behind me.

 

I sobbed letting all the pent up emotions from the last week escape. I paced backwards and forwards for a bit and the door opened, Jensen appearing in the doorway. He stepped out, shutting the door behind him.  I looked at him. He looked at me. He moved to come towards me and I pointed at him. “If you even try and take one step towards me I will scream bloody murder.” I dared him. “I swear.”

 

He was about to move, I could sense it. Then the door shifted and Kara appeared.

 

“Oh, perfect.  Let’s invite everyone. God!” I blasphemed. I never blasphemed.  I looked at them whispering in the doorway and I’d had enough. I walked away. I walked the trail to the field beside the church, letting my feet take me towards the lake.

 

“JENSEN!?” I heard Kara scream and I turned to see Jensen following me.

 

“No...no...NO!” And I broke into a full blown sprint, passing the tree and the swing where he first talked to me like I was an actual person and up the path that surrounded the lake. I ran until I came across the bench we sat on those months ago and I stopped. “Stop. Stop. Please stop chasing me. Stop.” I knew he was there, I could hear him panting.

 

He should’ve caught me. He was the athlete not me. “I’ll never stop chasing you, Carmen.”

 

I fell down onto the bench, gasping for air. “I can't...I can't...” Okay this wasn’t just me being massively unfit. This was something else. “I can't breathe.” I shut my eyes, my hands clasped on my lap as I bent forwards in my seat trying to sort my mind out. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

 

I felt his hands on mine, his thumb pressing circles to my wrist, as the other came to my cheek. “Hey, look at me. Look at me, sweetheart. I need for you to look at me.”

 

I opened my eyes, not caring anymore, I just wanted to be calm. “I want to be normal.” I whispered and Jensens jaw clenched as he took in my words, his lower lip trembling as thick heavy tears rolled down his cheeks. “I just want to be normal.”

 

“Oh my sweetheart, oh baby, you are normal.” He pressed kisses to my face, wherever he could find he left his mark and I shook my head.

 

“No, No Jen. I'm not.” I pushed him back so he was looking at me. “Normal girls would be able to walk through a corridor without wanting to throw up. Normal girls would be able to look someone in the eye when they’re meeting them without having to have a pep talk. Normal girls wouldn't lock themselves in bathroom cubicles and janitors closets and empty classrooms during the day just so they could have a moment to themselves to get their heads together so they don’t completely lose it.”

 

His eyes said he didn’t know I did that.

 

“Normal girls don't stop their boyfriends after making out for 30 seconds because it’s too much. Normal girls don’t sit in a car crying before going into a party because it’s too loud, and there’s too many people, and I don’t know them. Normal girls don’t go to parties and sit in the same spot for two hours while their boyfriends get drunk with his ex. Normal girls don’t climb up to their own fucking balcony and break into their own house because seeing their family members is too much. Normal girls don’t run for 45 minutes just to get home because the one person in the entire world that she believed didn’t think she was a total fucking freak was making out with his beautiful, totally normal, totally perfect, ex-girlfriend.”

 

He lurched down, bracing himself on all fours as he sobbed. We cried together. Him on the floor in front of me.

 

“I want to he normal. I want to be fucking normal. And I can’t do that with you.” He looked up at me then. “You need someone normal. You need someone who balances you out, I bring you down. I cant be what you need, Jensen.”

 

“No, please. Give me another chance. I can be better. I can be good enough.”

 

I reached for his cheek. “You are good enough.”

 

He blinked up at me, the saddest green eyes these Texas skies had ever seen. I ran my thumb down his cheek. He was so beautiful, even as he looked now, I could take a snapshot and it’d still be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

 

“I loved you.” I whispered, letting my hand fall as I sobbed, heart-breaking, earth shattering sobs. He jumped up, covering his face as he turned away, walking a few steps before screaming.

 

“FUCK!!!” his fists clenched and he held his hands to his head.

 

I had to tell him. He had to know. I jumped up then, finally having enough.  I crossed to him, turning him around, I grabbed him by the shirt, one hand at his neck as I pulled his face down to mine, kissing him like I was never going to stop and like I never would again.

 

He gripped me tight around the waist, crushing me to him. I pulled back when I couldn’t handle it anymore. I brushed his hair out of his eyes, taking one last snapshot in my mind. One last reminder of what he was like this close. My finger came up to dance down his face, across his forehead, down his nose and down and over his lips. I stole one last kiss and pulled back so our lips were only just touching.

 

“I love you, Jensen Ackles.” He could read it in me before I had even said it. That this was it. The last kiss. He pulled me to him tighter , kissing me a final time.

 

“I love you, Carmen Guilford.” He whispered against my lips.

 

“Goodbye, Jensen.” I shut my eyes, pressed one last kiss to his cheek and I was gone.

 

_Today, I broke my first heart and I broke my own at the same time._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: sooooo thats a thing.
> 
>  
> 
> also i need to apologize if I get anything wrong with US school dates and holidays and things like that, I live on the other side of the planet so place be patient.
> 
> and dont stone me for this.  
> its all a part of the plan.
> 
> -R


	8. I'd Take the Comfort of Comfort Every Single Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A practice in friends and forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I'd Take the Comfort of Comfort Every Single Time**



3 weeks went by and I slowly got used to being alone again. It wasn’t as much of an adjustment as I thought it would be. I kept up my usual routine. Go to school, keep my head down, block everyone out, come home, repeat. I barely saw Jensen, and when I did it was only in passing in the hallways. He was fine. He was back to normal.

 

 _Normal_...

 

I knew I wouldn’t be hard to get over. He and Kara weren’t officially back together but I knew it was only a matter of time. They were inseparable. I never saw her on the bus again so it didn’t take much to guess how she was getting to and from school. I could lie and say it didn’t hurt because it did. It hurt a lot. But it was for the best. It was best for him. And he flourished. His sports was going well, he was voted school captain again. He was doing so well.

 

I saw him at church but I didn’t stick around afterwards, just a passing look as my family and I made our way to our seats. His family were still so nice. His parents greeted me as they always had, with a hug and such kind words. Mackenzie was the most vocal about how annoyed she was that her brother and I had broken up. She hated Kara, and now she was at their house all the time she hated her even more.

 

_Ouch._

 

I snuck into Jensen’s first basketball game, standing by the bleachers by myself, trying my best not to be noticed. And he was amazing. They won and he noticed me as I was leaving. I held his eyes for a few moments, taking him in, the sweat on his face, his basketball singlet revealing his toned arms.

 

He waved to me, sending me one of his shy smiles. I waved back. “Well done.” I mouthed to him and his smile grew.

 

And then Kara ran over, throwing her arms around his shoulders and I took that as my cue to leave. I didn’t see him outside of school or church again until we ran into one another at the grocery store. Caleb and I were picking up a few things for a family dinner that night when I ran into him in the frozen food aisle.

 

“How can they not have any chocolate fudge brownie? What kind of loser supermarket is this?” I mumbled as I bent down, trying to see through the foggy freezer doors.

 

“Chocolate Fudge Brownie is the best, although I am partial to Cookies and Cream?” his voice asked from behind me. I didn’t even have to look to know it was him.

 

“It's not a Cookies & Cream kinda night, it’s a Chocolate Fudge Brownie night or bust. They’re not the same thing, everyone knows that.” I stood up, realizing there was definitely none left.  “Damn it.” I kicked the bottom of the freezer.

 

I looked over at him, and as usual he took my breath away. He was in his red sweats and letterman jacket. It was Thursday, Lacrosse practice, of course. “Hi, Carmen.” He still smiled the same.

 

“Jensen.” I nodded at him. “How was practice?”

 

“Oh, it was really good, thanks for asking. I think we’ve got a real shot at winning our division this year. As long as we can all remember the plays it should go pretty well I think, I’m really excited.”

 

“That’s awesome. I saw your last game, you’re getting really good out there.” I admitted and he seemed surprised at that news.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn’t see you.” He seemed annoyed at that fact.

 

I shrugged, “Its easy to be invisible when you don’t want to be seen. I’m still not good at the whole crowd thing.”

 

He nodded, looking down in understanding.  “How are you though? I mean...how are you doing with that?”

 

I looked down, looking at our feet which were all of a sudden really interesting. “I’m working on it. I have my days. But I found a really great counsellor and I’m going to her twice a week and it’s really helping.”

 

His eyes lit up at my news and he reached for me, grabbing my hand without thinking. “That’s so great, Carmen. I’m so happy for you. That’s really, really great news.”

 

I toyed his fingers with my own for a moment then realized what I was doing and I let his hand go. “Yeah, so...how are things with you and Kara?”

 

His smile faded and a look of annoyance passed over him. “Do you really want to know?”

 

I looked into his eyes and saw how uncomfortable it made him. I shoved my hands into my pockets and shrugged. “I thought we were being civil. Does that not include asking about people we're dating?”

 

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Who the hell are you dating?!” he sounded so angry.

 

I scoffed at the absurdity of the question. “Are you joking? You think anyone in that school wants anything to do with me now?”

 

His face softened when he thought about what I said. “Kara’s not my girlfriend. I mean she s a girl and she s my friend but that’s it.”

 

I shrugged, “It doesn’t matter. I think you two look really great together.”

 

He shook his head, letting out a shaky breath. “Don’t do that Carmen.”

 

I looked around. “Do what?”

 

“That. Quit acting like the last few weeks haven’t been hell for you, because I can honestly say they’ve been hell for me.”

 

 _Okay, so we’re done with civil then._ “I have to go.” I turned away, heading up one of the aisles hoping I’d find my brother at some point.

 

“Stop running from me, Carmen. Just stop,” he reached out for my arm, stopping me in my tracks as I turned towards him. “Stop for a second would you? God. I’m not trying to interrogate you.”

 

“No, you’re trying to guilt trip me. Hell? You have everything you want, what could possibly know about hell.”

 

“I don’t have everything I want.”

 

I scoffed, shaking my head at him. “And whose fault is that?!” I began to walk away needing to find Caleb. “Goodbye, Jensen.”

 

  * * * * * * * * * * *



 

I stared blankly at my coke glass, trying to process what it was my brother was telling me. It seemed the family dinner had an ulterior motive. My brother had news for me. My parents already knew but as usual I was last to know.

 

“You’re what?” I asked him, abandoning my fork on my plate to glare at him from across the table. “You’re gunna have to say that again because what I think you said was that you’re leaving the day after our 18th birthday to join the Army?”

 

Caleb sighed, “I need for you to not freak out over this, Carmen. It’s something I've wanted to do for awhile and I passed the admissions tests with flying colors. I’m on my way to early graduation so it just makes sense. As soon as I’m old enough I’m out of here.”

 

I nodded, hearing what he was saying, letting it all soak in. I took my napkin off my lap, throwing on my plate. “You’re abandoning me. It’s fine, I get it. I would too.”

 

“Carmen, it’s not like that.”

 

I stood, my chair scraping on the hard wood floor. “Its exactly like that. If you want to leave me and join the Army so you can go off to wherever and get yourself killed, be my guest.” I moved, heading towards the door, grabbing my jacket on my way.

 

“Where are you going!?” Caleb asked, concern raising I’m his voice.

 

“Away from you!” I slammed the door on my way out and before I’d even jumped off the top step and landed on the path I was running.

 

3 blocks later I stopped in front of the last house I thought I would run to. Especially after our run in at the store earlier.

 

“Oh god what am I doing here?” The light was on in his room and his truck was out front so I knew he was home. I doubted Kara would be there at 8:30pm on a Thursday night.

 

“Are you going to go in and see him or just stand there and stare at his window?”

 

I almost screamed before I realized who was standing next to me. “Oh my god, Josh. Don’t do that.” I grabbed my chest, recognizing the older Ackle’s sibling immediately.

 

He laughed, taking off his helmet as he dismounted his bike. “You were so concentrated on his window I thought the glass was going to break. He is home by the way.”

 

I nodded, “I don’t think he’d want to see me.”

 

Josh snorted, “As if. That kid would do anything for you. Don’t just stand here, you look crazy. Come in.” Josh pushed his bike up the path and after a moment’s hesitation I followed. “We’ve missed you hanging around here by the way. It’s not the same.”

 

I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “I’ve missed you guys too.” He put his bike against the house and I followed him around to the front door where he unlocked it, letting himself in. “I’m just gonna go.” I turned to leave.

 

“Don’t you dare. Get in here, Guilford.” He sounded scarily like his little brother when he said that.

 

I gave in, I'd come all this way. I went in and he shut the door behind me. “FAMILY! WE HAVE A GUEST!” He screamed and I visibly flinched, not expecting him to scream like that.

 

Alan was first to appear in the living room doorway. “Hi Alan, how are you?”

 

His eyes lit up, the same eyes as Jensen. “Carmen! You are a sight for sore eyes! Welcome, give me a hug!” He hugged me to him, rubbing my arm affectionately as I moved away. “We’ve missed you around here young lady, where have you been?”

 

I blushed at his kind words. “Nowhere interesting I’m afraid. It’s nice to see you.”

 

“CARMEN!?” Mackenzie squealed from the top of the stairs, sprinting her way down. I practically had to catch her when she reached the bottom, flinging herself at me.

 

“Hi Kenzie,” I whispered as she tucked herself into me. I looked over the girls shoulder, seeing Donna come towards me. She reached out, giving me a half hug as she kissed my cheek softly.

 

“Its good to see you, Carmen. You’re always welcome here, okay?” She said gently, rubbing my arm as her husband had only moments before.

 

“Thank you, Donna.” I said, feeling my eyes water as I felt the outpouring of love from this family I’d become a part of without realizing or meaning to.

 

Someone cleared their throat and I looked up to see Jensen half way down the stairs, looking at me with so many emotions. Hope, confusion, sadness, anger. “Carmen?” his voice was breathy with disbelief.

 

Mackenzie moved from where she was hugging me and I gave her a smile, moving past her and closer to her brother. “Hi Jen.” I said hesitantly, offering him a small sad smile.

 

“What are you doing here?” he was still wearing his sweats and had a plain white t-shirt on, looking like all kinds of comfy.

 

“I...I just...something happened at home and-and I, I started running and I ended up here...and I just...I needed someone to talk to.” I whispered, but I knew he would hear me. He looked so confused I thought he was going to say no, but then he held out his hand to me. And like a magnet, I went to him.

 

I met him on the stairs, slipping my hand into his. He pulled my hand against his chest, his eyes meeting mine with worry. “You’re shaking. Are you okay, sweetheart?” his other hand came up to my cheek, rubbing softly.

 

I put my head down, leaning into his touch and he pulled me against him, knowing I needed his comfort. He tucked my face into his neck, rubbing my hair as my eyes began to water.

 

“Let’s give these two some space guys.” I heard Josh say and then he must have herded them out of the room. Jensen moved so his arm was around me and led me up the stairs towards his room. He opened the door and let me go, closing it behind himself.

 

I wiped my eyes of the betraying tears and he sat down on his bed. I looked around his room, it was very much the same as it always had been. I walked over to his desk, noticing my green scarf was tied around the end of his guitar that was sitting in it's stand. I had to hide a smile. _Someone's a bit sentimental._

 

I moved over to his mirror, my fingers running down the polaroid of us that he had taped to it.

 

“My brother’s joining the Army, and he leaves the day after we turn 18.” I said to him, still staring at the photo.

 

“What? The army? What about graduation?” Jensen asked. I turned to look at him, making my way over to sit beside him.

 

“He’s been fast tracked to graduate early. Once we’re 18, he’s out of here.” Jensens thumb was on my wrist before I had even thought of clasping my hands. I shut my eyes, feeling the calm flood my body.

 

“And you’re upset because he’s going into the Army, where he could get hurt? Or that he’s joining the Army, and leaving you?”

 

I looked up at him, “Both? I know and that makes me so selfish but I can’t help it. The first thought I had when he told me he was going was that he was leaving me here, alone. How selfish is that?!” I let my head fall against Jensen’s shoulder.

 

“Its not selfish it’s...it's normal.” He consoled but his use of the word normal had me looking at him with venom in my eyes. “I know,” he smiled. “I know. But it is. Everyone’s first instinct is to worry about themselves whether they admit it or not, but it’s human. It’s self preservation. Most people are too selfish to admit how selfish they are.”

 

“But I just did. Which makes me not normal. Great.” I laughed at myself, putting my head against his shoulder again.

 

He laughed and suddenly he had pulled me forward onto his chest as he fell back on his bed. “Why are you so obsessed with normal? I happen to like my girls abnormal, quirky and interesting.” He ran a hand through my hair, smiling at me like I hung the moon. I reached up, running my fingers across his freckles and his eyes closed.

 

“I shouldn’t be here.” I whispered, letting my hand rest on his cheek. He opened his eyes again which had darkened with that look I’d gotten so used to. At least until three weeks ago. “I _really_ should not be here.”

 

“Please?” He pulled me up to him, so our faces were aligned. “I won’t hurt you again. I promise.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. Seeing him this close after so long had my mind spinning.

 

“I love you, Carmen. And I know that you love me. This could be so easy.” His voice bought me back and I sat up, moving away from his face. He looked panicked, his hands tightening around me.

 

“Easy? You think it was easy breaking up with you?” I pulled his arms away from me so I could sit up properly. “I need to leave. I should never have come here.”

 

I got up heading towards the door. “I’m sorry!” Jensen said and I paused with my hand on the door knob. “I know you’re tired of hearing that. You came here for comfort and support from a friend and I tried to make it into something it isn’t. I’m sorry.”

 

 I swallowed, turning to look at him. “Its not that I don’t love you. Because you know I do. But I don’t know if I can un-see what I saw. I don’t think words can take away how much it hurt to see you kiss her, after everything you said about her, after everything you put me through when it came to her in this very room. I don’t know if that can just be forgotten.”

 

“I know. I understand. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened that night, I don’t even remember having that many beers. That whole game was a blur. I don’t even remember you getting up. I was trying to keep such a close eye on you but then...” He gazed off out the window. “That’s why I’ve had Kara around me so much, she’s been helping me piece together what happened during those few hours.”

 

I leaned back against the door. “And how's that going?”

 

He looked back at me with a sad smile. “Not great. She's always distracted by something. Loose canon that one.”

 

I nodded. “I’d really better go. I didn’t tell anyone I was going out.  I kinda just...”

 

“Ran?” he finished off for me. I smiled at him which he returned.

 

“Yeah. I do that a lot don’t I?” I looked down at my shoes. “Just add it to my list of quirks I guess.”

 

“I love your quirks.” Jensen said so sincerely I knew he meant it. “Come on, let's get you home. I’ll drop you off.” He grabbed his jacket off his bed and put it on.

 

I said goodnight to his family and he walked me to his truck, opening the door as he always did. We drove to my house in silence and he pulled up out front, killing the engine.

 

I opened the door and climbed out, shutting it behind me. He came to my side, an angry look on his face.

 

“Stop it grumpy, I can open a door.” I rolled my eyes at him and made my way towards my house. “Thank you for listening to me complain. You didn’t have to.”

 

We stopped by my door. “Anytime. That’s what friends are for, right?”

 

I looked up at him, taken aback by his use of that word. But then I smiled. “Friends?” I repeated.

 

“I know I don’t deserve to have you in my life in any capacity but I did promise you, that no matter what...”

 

“We would still be friends.” I smiled, remembering that day. That was a good day. “I would like that.”

 

He grinned. “Me too. Friendly hug goodnight?” He laughed, opening his arms to me.

 

I laughed back, crushing myself to his chest. So friends it was. I let myself in after watching Jensen leave and Caleb was sitting on the sofa, watching TV.

 

I hung up my coat and sat down next to him. He didn’t look at me.

 

“I'm sorry I’m such an idiot.” I said softly into the dimly lit room. “I just want you to be safe. No matter what you decide to do, I want you safe. But you make sure of one thing okay?” I looked at him and he finally looked back at me. The eyes reflecting back at me were so similar to my own. My first friend. And at times, my only friend. “Wherever you go, whatever they make you do, you do anything and everything to make sure you come back to me okay? Don’t make me an only sibling. Don’t leave me alone in this.”

 

He reached out, pulling me into a hug.

 

_Although I’m not as alone as I was before._

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

Jensen meant it when he said we were friends. He said hello to me in school corridors, he sat with me sometimes at lunch, he invited me to games and to parties, he was a friend. Although I didn’t always say yes, in fact I said no more than I said yes, he still asked.

 

He came to me the same week as thanksgiving. His eyes were wide as he walked up to me as I got off the bus and he was holding a piece of paper like it was the holy grail.

 

“Someone's excited.” I rearranged my hair under my hood, I preferred it out of my face more often lately.

 

“I need you to remember that you love me, okay?” he asked, falling into step beside me as we walked into school.

 

“Nothing good comes from starting a sentence like that. What do you want, Ackles?” I shook the frost off my coat and he held the door open for me.

 

“No I really, really, _really,_ need for you to remember how much you love me, Carmen, okay? Because what I’m going to ask you is going to freak you out.”

 

“Then don’t ask me, idiot!” I laughed, waving at Lydia who was standing by her locker. We made it to my locker and he was giving me serious puppy dog eyes. “Just ask me already, but if you want a kidney you’re dreaming.”

 

He leant against the locker beside mine and held up the piece of paper hiding his face behind it. I put my bag in my locker and turned to read it.

 

“L.V. Berkner High School presents West Side Story.  An onstage musical spectacular. Auditions held Thanksgiving weekend 10am to 4pm Saturday 25th and Sunday 26th of November in the school auditorium. Please prepare one song from the character you are auditioning for and one monologue/script exert.” I read out loud. I moved the paper down so I could see his eyes. “No.”

 

I grabbed my books and shut my locker, heading to homeroom. “Please, Carmen? You don’t even have to audition yourself but if I could wrangle a duet of ‘Tonight’ with someone who can actually sing I’ll have this in the bag. Everyone knows Liam is the best singer in theater class but he can’t pull off Tony.” He stopped me with a hand on my forearm. “Look, I know stages scare you, I know this and so I would never ask if I didn’t really want this, but, shit Carmen, I really want this. If I could put this on my resume then I could have a real shot at gettting some real acting jobs not just modelling for boy scouts and whatever else.” He grabbed my wrist, pulling me to the side so we weren’t right in the middle of the corridor. “I know I’m asking a lot of you, I know that. But please, please think about it. It would mean the world to me.” He leant in giving my forehead a gentle kiss before leaving me to think through what he had asked me.

 

I sat on my own at lunch later that day, reading through the sheet music of West Side Story I had found in the music room. It had been too cold out to sit outdoors for the last few weeks so the majority of the school was crammed into the cafeteria. I had found peace sitting in the window ledge at the far side, there was ample space for me to sit cross legged and the leaves always looked so beautiful as they fell. Being surrounded by glass it was like I was outside but it wasn’t totally freezing.

 

Jensen would come over and sit with me some days, but he and the group always sat at the table closest to me. I think it was Jensens way of making me feel part of something without making me feel crowded.

 

He wandered over today, face full of a beef and bean burrito. He leaned over my knee to read what I had spread in front of me and his eyes lit up.

 

“You’re gonna do it?” He was so excited. I shook my head and his whole body fell.

 

“I’m not saying yes or no yet okay? Let me read the sheet music and then I’ll get back to you.”

 

“When will you tell me by?” I didn’t have to look at him to know he was giving me the puppy dog eyes.

 

“Tonight. Come to my balcony tonight, I’ll tell you then. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Now go away, I’m reading.” I shook my hand at him. He reached around, pressing a kiss to my cheek before he went back to his friends.

 

I guess I would have to seriously think about this.

 

  * * * * * * * * *



At exactly 9 that night as had been tradition most nights for the past few weeks my balcony door squeaked open and Jensen shoved his way inside my room through the curtains.

 

I was sat on my bed with the sheet music that I had copied laid out in front of me. He looked so nervous, bless him. I patted the bed in front of me and he crossed the space, shedding his jacket and cap on my desk as he did so. He sat opposite me, mimicking the way I was sitting, legs crossed.

 

“So...?” he held his hands out, questioning me.

 

“I’ll do it.” I replied. And just as he was about to jump on me in celebration as I knew he would I put my hand up, stopping him in his tracks. “But you are not to put my name forward, at all, okay? I’m doing this for you. I don’t want to be included I'm just doing a favour for a friend, alright?”

 

His eyes were on fire and it made me so happy to know that I made him that happy.

 

_Today I agreed to audition for my first musical since ‘the incident’ and the best part was, it wasn’t for me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: this story is coming to me so easily. 
> 
> thanks to LissieRT, traceyaudette and Kiss Orsolya for the comments.  
> thanks to those who have given kudos.
> 
> and a huge thanks to YOU for reading.   
> jensen sprinkles for all.
> 
> -R


	9. I Adore You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving with the Ackles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I Adore You**



“You're doing it again, Ackles. From your diaphragm. Start again!” I scolded Jensen as I circled him. We were in his living room, as we'd been everyday after school since I agreed to help him with his audition. But he needed more than just a duet partner, he needed help with his singing too.

 

He had a pretty voice, tone wasn’t something you could teach so he already had that going for him. But he kept singing from his head and I knew he had more power in his voice than that and he was going to need it to be able to play Tony and to beat Liam for the part. I had heard Liam sing and he had a natural Broadway voice so it wasn't going to be easy.

 

But he was improving. His voice was less shaky and he had more confidence with his singing. If he could nail the songs he would have the director falling over herself to cast him. He really was perfect for the role.

 

“ _The most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard...Maria...Maria...Maria...Maria...all the beautiful sounds of the world in a single world. Maria...Maria...Maria...Maria...Maria...Maria...Maaaariiii-_ “

 

“Stop!” I interrupted, moving around to stand in front of him. “You’re supposed to sound like you're in love with Maria not like she’s about to give you a root canal.”

 

He looked annoyed at himself. “I’m trying. It’s difficult when I’m thinking so hard about singing.”

 

I moved toward him. “So stop thinking. You know the song, you know the techniques, stop singing the song and feel it. Tony’s just met the love of his life and fallen for her on sight. Her name is literally the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his entire life. It sings to him. Sing with this,” I put my hand to his chest, pressing over his heart. “Think of someone special, someone you love, feel it, and sing it.”

 

His eyes changed as he looked down at me and his tongue came out to wet his lips. “Someone I love?” He asked and I nodded in return. “Right, I think I can do that.”

 

I stepped back again, nodding for him to begin. His gaze on me was so intense, all of his emotions were so palpable that I knew exactly who he was thinking of as he began to sing. The words came out with such conviction, with so much feeling that I wouldn’t be surprised if Jensen’s Mom could feel it from the next room.

 

And his eyes never left mine. He had figured it out. He found the feelings, and I was the one he was looking at. He finished the song, standing before me breathless and hopeful. I could see what he wanted. He wanted me to reciprocate, to return the feelings he had just expressed. I was his Maria.

 

But I couldn't. I smiled sadly and reached down to pick up my sheet music, collecting my things together.

 

“You’re leaving.” He said. “I’m sorry if I...”

 

I put my hand up to silence him. “It's almost dinner time. I need to go.” I put my things in my backpack and stood, moving towards the door.

 

“Carmen,” He followed me, stopping me at the door with a hand on my waist. “Carmen, I’m sorry.”

 

I turned, his hand falling to my hip as I moved but he didn’t stop touching me. “You have nothing to be sorry about. That was beautiful Jensen. If you can do that on Sunday you’ll have this in the bag. You can do this.”

 

“I can do anything with you by my side.” He put his other arm around me, moving in closer and I moved back, hitting the door behind me.

 

“Don't Jensen.” I looked away, not wanting to see the pain of rejection on his face.

 

“I love you, Carmen.” He whispered and I could hear his heart breaking.

 

“I know you do. But I can’t give you anything more than friendship right now. And I need you.” I looked up at him, immediately wishing I hadn’t. “I need you to be my friend.”

 

“What about what I need?” His hand moved to my chin, his thumb brushing gently over my bottom lip. “I need you.”

 

“If this is too hard for you. If being friends with me is too hard for you then we can stop. I don’t want to cause you pain.”

 

He licked his lips and I shut my eyes, hating that he was so close and I couldn’t do anything. “Then love me back.” He was even closer now, I could feel his breath on my face, his mouth was right in front of mine.

 

“Jensen...” I practically whined. I was trying to be strong but he made me so weak. Every fibre of my body was begging me to succumb to him, to envelope myself in his arms and never leave. But I couldn’t. I opened my eyes, looking up into the most devastating green eyes I’d ever seen. They would write stories about those eyes. “...I can't. I'm sorry. I can’t.”

 

I twisted the door handle behind me and pulled it open, escaping while I still had some wits left in me and I ran all the way home.

 

He didn’t come to my balcony that night.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

The next day was Thanksgiving. The house slept in and I wandered down stairs at about 10 and my Mom was already in the kitchen cooking. I moved into the kitchen, my feet bare, still in my comfiest pyjamas, bed head in full effect and I could hear her talking to someone. I rubbed my eyes as I crossed the doorway and was immediately stilled by the person sitting at the breakfast counter with a coffee.

 

“Good Morning sleepy head, you’re looking refreshed.” Jensen teased, giving me one of my favourite smiles. “Cute jammies.” He winked and took a sip from his mug.

 

I looked down at myself and went wide eyed. “Oh my gosh.” I put my hand on my head trying to sort my hair out.

 

“Don’t groom on my accord, I’m just heading out.” He finished his coffee and moved to the sink, putting his mug in there. “Pleasure as always Mrs. Guilford.” He kissed my mother’s cheek and she giggled, going back to her cooking. “Have a wonderful morning and I’ll see you both this afternoon.” He moved past me, patting my shoulder as he went.

 

“This afternoon?” I asked, looking after him as he moved towards the door.

 

He grinned back at me. “It’s game day. Go Cowboys!” He punched his fist into the air and left. I turned back to my mom.

 

“What is he talking about?” I asked her and she laughed.

 

“The Ackles family have invited us all round this afternoon to watch the game and have dinner with them.”

 

I frowned at her, moving to sit in the seat Jensen had just vacated. “And you said yes? I thought we were doing Thanksgiving for 4?”

 

She smiled at me. “Its very nice of Donna and Alan to invite us round. It’s nice having friends, Carmen. We'll take our food over there so there’s plenty to go round.”

 

I sighed, looking down at my lap. My mom noticed and she put her spoon down, coming to stand beside me.

 

“Is there something wrong between you and Jensen?”

 

I shrugged, picking at my pyjama pants. “No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.”

 

She laughed at my vagueness. “He’s a sweet boy. And he cares a lot about you. I know he's sorry about what he did.”

 

“I know he is. But it’s hard enough in my head with the counselling and school without having to worry about him as well.”

 

She tilted her head to the side, eyeing me up. “But you worry about him anyway.” I looked at her properly, questioning her with my stare. “Oh come on, Honey. You’re not the first Guilford to fall in love with a boy she met in high school. How do you think I met your Dad?”

 

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not in love with him.” I looked down at my clasped hands. “I don’t even know what that means.”

 

She moved back to the stove. “I think you know more than you’d like to admit.”

 

She was probably right.

 

We hung around the house until 5, loaded up the car with all the food and drinks we were bringing and climbed into the car to drive the three blocks to Jensens house.

 

 It was cold today. I wrapped my large burgundy coat around myself tighter as I climbed out of the car, holding the cheese dip in a bread bowl I had prepared earlier.

 

“Hey guys!” Alan called from the front porch, coming over to us where we were parked on the driveway.

 

Jensen and Josh came out after him, all dressed comfy and warm in thick wool jumpers of varied colors. Jensen, who was wearing cream, met my eyes, smiling gently as he came over.

 

“Can I take that for you?” He asked, taking it off me without waiting for an answer. “You look cold, come inside.” He gestured for me to follow along behind him and I did so, my eyes appreciating him as he went.

 

I heard someone laugh behind me and I turned, finding Josh following along behind me with our cooked Turkey in his hands covered in foil.

 

“Something funny, Joshua?” I eyed him.

 

He laughed again. “You kids need to sort yourselves out.”

 

I turned back around, ignoring him. I didn’t need to sort anything. I took my coat off as we got inside and hung it up, turning to see Jensen in the dining room door way, leaning against the support beam, eyeing me up.

 

I pulled on the bottom of my long sleeved green velvet dress, and his eyes lingered on my legs a moment longer than was polite.  “New dress?” He asked, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips.

 

I shrugged, “I’ve had it for awhile but never felt brave enough to wear it. It’s new to my body.”

 

He nodded, rubbing his eyebrow with his finger before pushing off the wall. “Come help me get the food ready?” He asked, walking away without waiting for an answer...yet again.

 

We put the food on the table and everyone served themselves after we said grace. I filled my plate up and went into the living room, putting my food down on the table, sitting in front of it on the floor facing the TV. I crossed my legs and placed my napkin on my lap.

 

“You don’t have to sit on the floor, Carmen.” Jensen said when he came into the room with not one, but two plates. He put them down beside mine, taking a seat on the floor next to me.

 

“Hungry much?” I laughed. “I don’t mind sitting on the floor. I’m closer to my plate like this anyway.”

 

He laughed back and dug into his food as our families slowly trickled in, sitting wherever they could find a space.

 

We watched the game although I didn’t really understand what was happening. At half time we got some dessert which kept me interested for a little longer but with 15 minutes left before full time I needed a break.

 

“Where are you going?” Jensen asked, panic in his voice as he reached for my hand, letting our fingers touch lightly.

 

“Just outside for some air. Need a break from the energy.”

 

“I’ll come with you.” He moved to stand up and I pulled my hand away from his making him pause. “Or not.”

 

“Stay, Jen. Watch your game. I won’t be long.” I left the room quickly, not wanting to disrupt them from the game any longer. I grabbed my coat from where it was hanging and put it on, zipping it up before stepping out onto the front porch.

 

It really was cold out. I wandered over to the swing seat, sitting down in it even though it was cold. I began to rub my hands together trying to warm them up when the door clicked open.

 

Jensen peered out, looking over at me before coming out completely, wrapping his own grey coat around himself. “I thought I told you to stay inside.” I said to him.

 

“You shouldn’t be alone out here.” He came over, taking a seat beside me. “Man it’s cold.” He shifted closer to me, trying to use my body heat I suspected.

 

He put his arm over my shoulder, sitting closer. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and he shrugged.

 

“What?” He questioned.

 

“Bit cosy aren’t we?” I raised my eyebrows at him and he just shrugged again.

 

“Shut up. It’s cold.” He had a smirk on his face as he looked out at the street, the stars were out and their was a gentle mist in the air.

 

“Have you had a good Thanksgiving Jensen?” I asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

 

“I have. I think my favourite part was seeing you in your pyjamas this morning.” He laughed. I nudged his side and he laughed even harder.

 

“I wasn’t expecting you to be sitting in my kitchen.”

 

“Hey, I’m not complaining. You looked adorable.” He rubbed my shoulder and leaned over, pressing his lips to the side of my head.

 

“What are you thankful for this year?” I asked after he’d stopped laughing like a loon at my expense.

 

He thought about it for awhile and I craned my head to look up at him. “The usual, my God, my friends, my family and my health.”

 

I smiled at the beautiful simplicity of his answer. “I like that. You make it sound so simple.”

 

“Why? What are you thankful for?” I looked back up at the sky, thinking of what I was going to say and how I was going to say it.

 

“I’m just thankful that I’m here to be honest. It’s been just me and my family for so long, we’ve never had a sense of community like this. Y'all have been so welcoming.”

 

He pulled me to him tighter, laughing lightly, “Y'all. I’ll make a Texan of you yet, Sweetheart.”

 

“See, that right there. That’s what I’m thankful for. After everything we’ve been through, you’ve been so kind to me. You’re the only friend I’ve ever had.”

 

He shifted so he could see my face properly and he wiped a tear that had snuck away from me. “Shh, don’t cry. I’ll always be your friend, Carmen. I mean that. I’m sorry I’ve been so...all over the place but I can’t help it with you. You drive me crazy,” He moved to run his hand down my hair and I moved away.

 

“Jensen, please.” I leant into his hand. “You know how I feel. But I can’t do this.”

 

He cupped my cheeks in his hands. “Do you want to know what I’m most thankful for?”

 

“Jensen don't...”

 

“No, I have to. I have to tell you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop replaying that night and seeing you look at me like I broke your heart. I know I did. But I made a mistake, I messed up. I thought she was you. I only saw you I swear.”

 

“Jensen, please don’t do this now.”

 

“I’m mostly thankful that I met you.” One of his hands ran down to my neck, running softly over the skin under my ear. “I’m so thankful that you sat next to me in church that day.” He lifted my head, forcing me to meet his eyes. “I’m so in love with you.” He whispered and I felt the sob rise in my chest.

 

“You can’t.” I shut my eyes, unable to hold his gaze any longer.

 

“Why can’t I? Look at me, Carmen. Please?”

 

I opened my eyes, blinking through my tears to look at him. His green eyes were shining with unshed tears. I hated myself.  “I can’t be what you need.”

 

He dropped his hand from my cheek, standing up quickly forcing the seat to swing suddenly. “Stop saying that!”

 

“It's true, Jensen. I see you, I see what you need. I’m still broken, Jen. I may never be fixed. I may never be ready.”

 

“I’ll wait! I’ll wait for you!” He knelt down in front of me. “I would wait 100 years for you. Because you’re worth it to me. You’re everything.”

 

I shook my head. “I’m nothing.”

 

He held my face gently, “Listen to me. You are everything to me.”

 

I began to cry, feeling awful for pushing him away. I opened my arms and pulled him in, his head burying into my neck and shoulder.

 

“You’re everything....you're everything.” He repeated against the skin of my neck.

 

I let him go after awhile and wiped my eyes. He sat back and watched me, his eyes exploring my face. “I want to deserve you Jensen. And it’s not about you, it’s about me. I want to be able to be the girl I want to be. And I need you to do that. I need you in my life.”

 

“But?” He smiled sadly.

 

“But, as much as I care about you, as much as I want to be with you...I can’t right now. Not never, just not right now.’

 

He nodded, “I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand.”

 

“Friends?” I asked him, just to double check for my own sanity.

 

He held his hand out to me, smiling warmly. “Always.”

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

On Sunday afternoon, after Church, Jensen came to pick me up to go to the school for his audition. I was already clasping my hands when he walked me to the truck. I climbed in and he shut the door after me as always.

 

“How are you feeling?” He asked me, frowning at my clasped hands on my lap.

 

“Nervous. But okay.  Besides, it’s not about me, they won’t even be looking at me.” I had been telling myself that all morning to try and make myself feel better, it was yet to work.

 

“You look lovely.” He complimented. I had gone with a denim mini and a white long sleeved top, tights, white converse and my white denim jacket.

 

“Oh, thank you. You look nice too.” He was wearing cream dress pants, a white button down shirt with a grey blazer over top and his grey coat which I suspected he would shed once we got to the auditorium.

 

We pulled into the school carpark and he came round to my side of the truck, helping me out. He took my sheet music from me, and then my hand, guiding me into the building.

 

He was nervous, I could tell. He was so quiet. One of those rare moments he was living inside his head.

 

We walked to the auditorium in silence. When we got there, Jensen did all the talking, signing us up.

 

 We didn’t have to wait long to audition because there wasn’t exactly a queue or anything. Jensen handed me a microphone as we waited side of stage to go on. Jensen’s hand brushed mine and I looked up at him.

 

“Thank you for doing this, for being brave enough to do this for me.” He pulled my hand into his.

 

“Don’t thank me. Just get the part, that’ll be thanks enough.” I replied and then the lights on the stage changed.

 

“Jensen, you’re up!!” Ms. Leslie called through the speakers. He took a deep breath and smiled down at me.

 

“Let’s do this.”

 

20 minutes later after we had sung our song, acted a bit and left the stage, Jensen came out of the auditorium. I pushed off the window sill where I was waiting for him. They had asked him to stay afterwards to discuss something.

 

Jensen’s eyes were wide and he looked slightly sweaty. “Are you okay? What happened?”

 

“Let’s just go, okay?” He put his arm over my shoulder and practically dragged me out to his truck.

 

“Seriously, what happened!? What did they say?!” I asked him once we were on the way.

 

“Don’t worry about it.” He shook me off, focusing on driving us home. He didn’t say anything and it was killing me. We pulled up outside of my house and he climbed out, coming around to my side to let me out. I tried to find his eyes but he wouldn’t let me in.

 

He helped me out of the truck and walked me to my door. We stopped on my porch and I grabbed his cheek, pulling his face round to look at me. “What happened? Tell me?”

 

“No, Carmen. Just forget It!”

 

“Tell me!”

 

“No!”

 

“Tell me, Jensen!”

 

“Fine!” He looked so annoyed. “They loved me okay, they were ready to offer me the part on the spot...”

 

My eyes lit up. “That’s amazing! Oh my goodness, why aren’t you thrilled?!”

 

A look of pain crossed his face and my smile fell. “Because they told me I could only play Tony, if you were my Maria. So I told them no.”

 

My mouth fell open and before I could even say anything he was off my porch, jogging towards his car.

 

And I’ve never felt more guilty in my life.

 

_Today, I had my first successful audition since ‘the incident’. Only thing is, I wasn’t auditioning._

_I'd ruined this for him._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: sorry this took a few days, hope youre still with me. Its so hard writing a story based in the 90s. Haha. 
> 
> Thanks to BeckyJoleneAuman for the comments.
> 
> Thanks to all who have given kudos. 
> 
> Thanks to all my lurkers for lurking. Hi.
> 
> -R


	10. Going Steady With No Place To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you gifts and stolen kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Going Steady With No Place To Go**



I had never felt so guilty in my life. How could they offer him the role but on certain conditions? That was so unfair. Either they loved him enough to offer the role to him or they didn’t. I was so annoyed that the next morning I arrived early to school and sought out the director and drama teacher Ms. Leslie.

 

“Oh, Miss Guilford isn’t it?” She asked when I entered her classroom. She was looking at me over the top of her glasses from her desk. “May I compliment you on your audition yesterday, dear. You have a real talent.”

 

I pulled my books tighter to my chest and entered, walking towards her desk. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, Ms. Leslie. I wasn’t auditioning yesterday. Only Jensen was.”

 

She smiled knowingly, taking off her glasses. “I’m aware of that dear.”

 

“But then why did you offer him the role only if I was his Maria?” I sat down at one of the desks.

 

She leaned forward at her desk, trying to choose her words carefully. “Jensen was amazing, without a doubt. But when you left the room, and I asked him to sing with someone else, he may as well have been singing to the wall. The emotion was gone. The connection was gone. Liam, he has chemistry with Sarah, if I cast them both I know it will work. Jensen sang with Sarah, there was nothing.”

 

“He wants this so badly, Ms. Leslie and he’s been working so hard.”

 

She smiled sadly at me again. “I know, he was so upset. But he said that you couldn’t be a part of it. Look, I could cast him as Riff or another part but I know he doesn’t have the dancing ability to keep up with such a dance heavy role. He ideally would be perfect for Tony. He’s good looking, he’s likeable and he has serious talent. What he needs, is his Maria.”

 

I stood, knowing I wouldn’t be able to fix the situation. “Thank you for your time.”

 

I moved towards the door and her voice stopped me. “Carmen, when was the last time you were on a stage like that?”

 

I turned to her, my eyebrows frowning. “Why?”

 

She smiled again. “Because you lit up the stage. You have a serious talent there young lady, I could see a future for you in theatre.”

 

I laughed, shaking my head. “I haven’t been on a stage like that in years. Let alone in front of an audience.”

 

“You do miss it though, don’t you?”

 

I sighed, looking out the window. “I don’t think…It’s been so long I couldn’t…I don’t know if I….”

 

I left that classroom 15 minutes later in a daze. I hoped I had made the right decision. I went to class and I didn’t see Jensen until lunch time. I was sitting on my window ledge in the cafeteria and I noticed him enter. He looked so sad. He glanced over at me, smiling sadly but he didn’t come over. He was still hurt, I understood. 

 

He was sitting next to Scott, picking at his lunch when Ms. Leslie swanned her way into the cafeteria.

 

“Here we are kids, the full cast listing for West Side Story! Rehearsals start for main cast the 2nd week of December! Congratulations if you made the cut and we hope to see everyone else in the audience!” She spun around, tacking the list to the noticeboard before she left the cafeteria.  It didn’t take long for the board to be surrounded. I heard loud clapping and excitement come from the group and then Lydia came running over to Jensen.

 

“Oh my god, Jensen! Congratulations! You did it!” Lydia kissed Jensens cheek sweetly and he frowned, looking up at her.

 

“What do you mean?” Jensen asked, rising from his seat.

 

“Go see for yourself!” Scott encouraged and I peered out from under my hair as Jensen looked over at me, his eyes wide.

 

He moved to the noticeboard slowly, the crowd parting. I swallowed a thick lump in my throat as I moved, swinging my legs off the side of the ledge.

 

He moved back through the crowds a few moments later, his eyes on mine.

 

He stopped a few feet from me, staring. He looked so confused.

 

“I told them no.” He said gently.

 

I shrugged. “I went back, and told them yes.”

 

He stepped closer, slowly, still in total disbelief. “But you can’t…you haven t been on a stage like that….”

 

I looked down. “For years. I know.” I looked up at him and clasped my hands on my lap. “But it’s you. I’ll do it for you.”

 

He sobbed, tearlessly and breathlessly, crossing the space to me in seconds. His hand was in my hair and he was pressing his lips to mine. I let him. He pulled back, pressing his forehead to mine, smiling the widest I’d seen him smile for a long time. “You’re everything.” He said to me and I ran my hand up to his cheek, pulling back so I was looking into his eyes. “I won’t let you down. I’ll look after you, Carmen. My Maria.”

 

He touched my cheek gently and I leant into his touch. “My Tony.” I whispered in return. I looked past him at his friends who were all so excited for him, waiting to congratulate him. “Go to your friends.”

 

“Screw my friends.” He laughed, leaning in to kiss me again. I pushed him away gently with my hand, smiling at him.

 

“Go, Ackles. I’ll still be here.” He nodded, pressing a kiss to my forehead one more time.

 

“I’ll drive you home. Come to Basketball practice after school?”

 

I nodded, knowing he wanted to say thank you properly. “I’ll be there.”

 

I watched him walk away, running into a sea of his friends who outpoured happiness and excitement on him. I slid off the ledge and walked over to the noticeboard that had now been vacated. And there were our names.

 

Tony _________________Jensen Ackles

Maria______________Carmen Guilford

 

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

I walked out of my last class and stopped by my locker to grab my bag before heading towards the gym. I had been getting congratulated every which way I turned all afternoon, mostly by people I didn’t even know. It was all very daunting. 

 

Caleb was coming out of the gym just as I had arrived and he grinned at me. “There she is, the talk of the school.” He pulled me into a hug.

 

“Shut up.” I laughed pulling away.

 

“You sure are full of surprises Carmen.”

 

I shrugged. “He wanted this so bad y'know? I couldn’t look at him knowing I was the reason he didn't get this. He deserves it so much. He’s going to be amazing.”

 

He rubbed my arm. “I’m really proud of you, Carmen. You've come so far.”

 

I snorted at his praise. “Don’t speak too soon. I haven’t even started rehearsing yet. I’ll be okay though. Jen will be there. I’ll be fine with him.”

 

He smiled like he knew a secret and nodded. “I heard you two had quite the scene in the cafeteria?”

 

I frowned and then realized what we’d done and felt my cheeks blush. “It was just a kiss or two. It didn’t mean anything he was just excited.”

 

“Sure.” He laughed. “Are you going to practice?” He asked pointing towards the gym.

 

I nodded. “Yeah, Jensen's going to give me a ride home. Are you okay with the bus or do you want to wait?”

 

He shook his head. “No, I’ll catch the bus. I’d better go or I'll miss it. I’ll see you at home.” He ran off and I turned towards the gym, pushing the door open.

 

The team was already doing warm ups, their sneakers squeaking on the waxed gym floors.

 

I spotted Jensen who was near the middle, dressed in his hi-top converse sneakers, basket ball shorts, no shirt and a bandana on his head.

 

I was stilled when I noticed his lack of shirt but shook it off, not wanting to be obvious as I made my way up the bleachers, sitting near the back.

 

I pulled out my homework and began looking it over as they practiced. I looked it up, feeling eyes on me and saw Jensen jogging to the back of a line where they were practicing their six pointers. He was smiling softly up at me.

 

I smiled back and he waved. I waved back and felt my heart skip in my chest. _Oh no, not this again._

My face must’ve dropped because be looked concerned and I looked away. I continued with my homework and only looked up again when the coach blew the whistle, yelling something about a 5 minute break. I watched Jensen run to his bag, grabbing his water before wiping the sweat off his forehead with his bandana that he pulled from his head.

 

He looked up at me and noticed me staring at him, winking before he ran up the bleachers in record time, standing a step below me.

 

“Hey you, you okay up here?” I averted my eyes, looking down at my books. I wanted to stare at his chest, his arms, his stomach, his hips, all covered in a light sheen of sweat. And even worse I wanted to touch him. But I didn't.

 

“I’m fine. Just getting a head start on some homework.” I watched him move, kneeling on the seat in front of me.

 

“You can’t even look at me.” He whispered, but there was humour in his voice. “You’ve seen me shirtless before.”

 

How did he even know that’s why? “Once. And you were facing the other way.” I said back, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.

 

He laughed, his fingers coming up under my chin, making me look at him. “You can look as much as you want, Carmen. I like you looking at me.”

 

I smiled coyly. “I’m sure I’m not the only one looking at you Jensen.” I gestured to the cheerleaders who were practicing at the other end by the bleachers, Kara included. And sure enough, she was looking right at us.

 

He laughed, leaning towards me. “Forget her. Forget them all.” He leaned in, kissing me softly and I gasped against his lips and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth.

 

I frowned and reached up to run my hand down his chest, his muscles clenching under my hand and I moved closer, running my other hand up behind his neck and up into his hair. My book dropped off my lap and I heard his teammates start to cat call us.

 

“Ackles!! Quit kissing on that poor girl and get your butt back down here boy!!” The coach yelled and I pulled away, laughing. Jensen was grinning up at me, blinking slowly as I ran my hand through his hair still.

 

“You heard the man. Get that butt back down there, Ackles.” I fell back down onto the seat, feeling light headed.

 

Jensen reached down and I watched his muscles flex as he picked up my book and pen, handing them to me.

 

“Thanks. Now shoo.” I waved my hand at him and he laughed, pretending to spray water on me cheekily before he ran back down the bleachers.

 

I glanced at Kara who was glaring at me but I ignored her. If she wanted to have a fit over whatever it was Jensen and I were she could have one, I wasn’t going to bite anymore.

 

I finished up my homework putting my book away just as the practice was finishing up. Jensen pulled his shirt on over his head and put his things in his bag. He pulled his sweat pants on over his shorts and wrapped himself in his coat.

 

I pulled mine on and grabbed my backpack, making my way down the bleachers slowly. Jensen met me halfway, offering me his hand.

 

“Good practice?” I asked him as he guided me down the stairs.

 

“Yeah, really good. Gotta love endorphins.” He laughed, pulling a beanie over his head as we reached the bottom. I pulled my gloves and ear warmers out of my coat pocket and Jensen took them from me, helping me with my gloves before putting my ear warmers over my ears. “You look adorable.” He laughed, booping my nose with his index finger making me momentarily cross eyed.

 

“You ready to go?” I asked him.

 

“Yeah, let’s get out of here.” He put his arm around me, turning towards everyone who was still in the gym. “Bye guys!!”

 

“BYE TONY!!” They all screamed in unison in return making me laugh.

 

“Yeah yeah.” He laughed back, waving his hand at his teammates. “I hate them.” He laughed as we walked to his truck.

 

“Tony.” I giggled. He pulled me to his side even harder, kissing the side of my head. “We really need to stop making out at school, people are starting to talk.”

 

He grinned down at me, earning a smack in the chest. “I enjoy making out with you thanks, in public or in private, I don’t mind.” We made it to the truck and he pushed me against my door unexpectedly, pressing his lips to mine.

 

He tasted so good. I knew it was wrong, that it was sending him mixed signals but I wasn’t immune to my hormones, I knew I wanted him. My body definitely wanted him.

 

He pressed me against his truck with his body and he hissed when I rolled my hips against him involuntarily. “God, Carmen.” He whispered, moving his lips from mine down to my neck. “You taste so good.” He whispered into my skin and I smiled opening my eyes.

 

“Oh my god!” I pushed him away, pointing at the girl watching us from about 3 feet away. “Kara?” How did she get so close without us realizing?

 

“Hey,” she waved awkwardly. “Um, Scott left early, he was going to give me a ride home. I don’t suppose you could help me out Jensen?”

 

Jensen looked down at me, his eyes questioning. I shrugged. “We can’t exactly leave her here.”

 

He rolled his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, okay. Jump in the back Kara.” She nodded and quickly ducked her head, moving to the other side of the truck. “You're sure?” he asked, cupping my cheek.

 

“No, but I’m not about to let her walk home in this cold.” I moved off the door and he opened it for me, helping me inside.

 

He ran around to his door and got in, starting the truck. We pulled out and travelled most of the way in silence, the only sound was the No Doubt record coming from the cassette player. It warmed my heart to think be was still listening to it.

 

Jensen pulled into her driveway, and kept the engine running as he pulled up to her front door.

 

“Thank you Jensen,” She said and opened her door. “Oh, congratulations by the way on getting cast in the production. Both of you, I’m sure you’ll be really great together.” She actually sounded sincere and I turned to look at her.

 

“Thank you, Kara. Have a good night.” I smiled and she smiled back , waving before she climbed out, disappearing into her house.

 

“I know what you’re thinking.” He said, pulling out of her drive way.

 

“Oh really?”

 

He laughed. “Yes really. You feel sorry for her. I can see it on your face.”

 

I shrugged, looking out my window. “It’s not fun. Being rejected. Whether she loves you or not, she’s in pain and that’s not a nice thing to have happen to anyone, even if she hates me.”

 

Jensen sighed loudly and I looked over at him. “You have such a big heart. I don’t know how after everything you’ve been through you still manage to see the good in people.”

 

“I see the good in everyone. Even people who hurt me. It’s how I forgive, Jensen.”

 

He nodded, understanding what I was saying. We drove in silence again although this time it was comfortable. He pulled into my driveway and got out, coming around to help me to my door.

 

“Be ready in an hour.” He said once he’d seen me to my front porch.

 

“What for?” I asked, panicking that I'd forgotten something or someone.

 

“I’m taking you out, dinner and a movie.”

 

I sighed. “Jensen...I'm not...”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Not as a date. As a thank you. For being the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

He shook his head at me, pulling me in for a hug. “Let me. You have no idea what this means to me so please, let me say thank you.”

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

Jensen took me to a steakhouse which smelled so good my mouth was watering as soon as we entered. “It smells so good in here.” I told him as he took my coat, handing it to the hostess.

 

“Trust me, they have the best steak here. We came here for my dad’s birthday and I’ve been wanting to bring you here. You’ll love it.” He put his arm out, leading me towards our table behind the hostess.

 

He pulled my chair out for me and I watched him appreciatively unbutton his black blazer as he sat down. His eyes were doing some crazy things tonight, reacting to the green button down he hand on underneath contrasting with his grey pants and black boots.

 

“You look gorgeous Jen.” I complimented without thinking.

 

He smiled at me, “You’re welcome to look, Guilford.” He said making me snort at him.

 

“Sound more smug why don’t you?” I laughed and he just smiled at me, opening his menu.

 

Our server came over and I ordered the same as him, steak, fries and a salad.

 

“So, what did your parents say about your good news?” I asked him after the waitress had delivered us our cokes. I grabbed some bread from the basket, buttering it and taking a bite.

 

“They told me to get on my knees and kiss your feet for doing this for me.” I almost choked on my bread. “They know how much this meant to me, and how much you would struggle with this so they weren’t wrong.” He shrugged.

 

“I’ll pass on the feet kissing if it’s all the same to you.” I laughed.

 

“Seriously though, thank you for doing this Carmen. I went and got you something.” He pulled something out of his pants pocket, placing it on the table in front of me.

 

It was a jewellery box. “Jensen, you didn’t have to.”

 

He waved his hand at me. “Shush, just open it. Think of it as an early Christmas present if it makes you feel better.”

 

I took a deep breath, wiping my hands and mouth with my napkin before lifting the black velvet box. I popped it open and my hand immediately moved to cover my mouth.

 

Nestled inside was a beautiful silver charm bracelet with 3 charms already attached to it. I ran my fingers over the Texas charm. And then over the cross. And then finally over the J, encrusted with green gems.

 

I looked up at him in disbelief. “Jensen...this is, this is too much.”

 

He shook his head, reaching over to take it from me. “No it’s not.” He pulled it out, reaching over to take my hand into his, clapping it to my wrist. “This way, when I can’t be there to rub your wrist to take away your fears you can look down and see this there instead.”

 

“Oh my...” I felt so many emotions go through me that I didn’t know which one to address first. “Thank you so much for this. You have no idea.”

 

He smiled, pulling my hand into his. “You’re welcome. Thank you, also.”

 

We ate and then went to the movie. It was some dumb romantic comedy and it kept us both entertained. When he dropped me off he walked me to the door as he always did.

 

“Thank you for tonight. It was a lot of fun.” I smiled, letting his hand go.

 

“Thank you for saying yes.” He reached out, pulling me into a hug. Neither one us mentioned the kisses we’d had that day, on 3 separate occasions.

 

He kissed my cheek and said goodnight, running to his truck from the cold.

 

I guessed we were ignoring it. I wasn’t complaining, I wanted to do that again. But how long until the lines were blurred. We were going to be in one another’s pockets for the next six weeks before the show opened.

 

How was it all going to end up?

 

_Today I made Jensen the happiest I’d ever seen him, and he gave my first and most special gift._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:
> 
> thanks to Kiss Orsolya and LissieRT for commenting.
> 
>  
> 
> thanks to the lurkers for lurking and for the kudos.
> 
> x  
> -R


	11. I Can't Believe You'd Do That To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First worst nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I Can't Believe You'd Do That To Me**



_How did I end up here? How could I be so stupid? How could I be so blind? How could teenagers be so cruel?_

Jensen held me against his chest as I cried, my tears drenching his shirt as I sobbed.

 

I heard my bedroom door click open and I pushed myself harder against his chest. “Is she any better?” I heard my mom ask him.

 

I didn’t hear him but felt him shake his head.

 

“Do you want me to take over so you can get home?” She asked him and I heard myself whine, wrapping my hand up and around his neck, pushing my face into his neck harder.

 

“I’ll stay as long as she needs me. Can you call my mom? Tell her what happened?” He asked gently into the dimly lit room. He ran his hand down my hair, kissing my forehead.

 

“I will.” She said and I heard her voice crack, full of emotion. “Thank you for protecting her, for getting to her in time and for bringing her home.”

 

He shook as he held me, taking deep breaths. “I wish I got to her sooner. I should have known what they had planned. I’m done with those people.”

 

It all started three days earlier. I was sitting on my own, reading over the West Side Story sheet music, trying to remember the lyrics before we started rehearsal so I was at least a little prepared. I was on my window ledge, keeping out of everyone’s way when someone came over to me. They stood at the other end by where my legs were stretched out. It was a boy.

 

One of the guys from Jensens group of friends. I think his name was Travis. He was tall, like Jensen, but stockier, more built. He had dark hair and brown eyes and dressed mostly in black. I’d never talked to him. I had never needed to.

 

I looked up at him, my eyes then darting around, questioning why he was in my space. “Hi?” I asked cautiously.

 

“Hey, Carmen right?” He reached out his hand to me and I flinched slightly, staring at it like it might bite me.

 

I reached up slowly, shaking his hand nervously. “Yes, it’s nice to meet you?” I was terrified.

 

“Sorry, I’m Travis.” He laughed, letting my hand go.

 

“What can I help you with Travis?” I asked, internally freaking out.

 

“I was wondering what the deal was with you and Ackles?” He asked, gesturing to the table. I looked over at Jensen was staring at us. No, Jensen was glaring at us. “Because that glare says to me that you two are dating. Am I wrong?”

 

I looked away, hating seeing Jensen look at me like that.  “We’re not dating. We're friends.”

 

“So, if I were to say, ask you out to dinner on Saturday, you'd be free to say yes?”

 

I frowned at him. “Why would you ask me to dinner? You’ve never talked to me before.”

 

He shrugged, smiling at me. I’m sure it dazzled many girls at the school, just not this one. “I want to get to know you better, so what do you say?”

 

I looked over at Jensen and he frowned even deeper, getting up. “Shouldn't you check with Jensen first?”

 

Travis snorted. “Why? Oh here he is anyway,” Jensen stepped to my side, glaring at his friend. “I was just discussing with Carmen how since you two aren’t dating, that she’d be free to come to dinner with me on Saturday?”

 

I practically heard him growl. “You’re asking her on a date?” Jensen seethed. “Why would you possibly want to go on a date with her?” _Ouch._ That made me angry and I looked up at him.

 

“Why wouldn’t he?” I asked Jensen and he looked down at me, his face softening as he saw the hurt on mine. “Why wouldn’t he want to go out with me?”

 

“Carmen, that’s not what I meant-“

 

“That’s exactly what you meant.” I interrupted him. I grabbed my sheet music and backpack, jumping off the ledge. “I don’t belong to you.” I said to him before turning to Travis. “I’ll see you on Saturday. Pick me up at 6.”

 

I eyed Jensen who’s mouth had fallen open and I pushed past him, heading to my next class. Truth being, I didn’t want to go out with Travis. He wasn’t my type. But hearing Jensen say what he said sparked something in me. I wanted to hurt him. I hated that feeling.

 

I was leaving the school building at the end of the day, heading to the bus when I heard running behind me and Jensen slowed to fall in step beside me.

 

“You’re really going out with Travis on Saturday?” He asked. I looked over at him, and he looked so sad. I immediately felt guilty but then I remembered what he had said and I held my head up.

 

“Yes.” I replied and he stopped me with a hand on my arm. “What, Jensen? What?”

 

“You really want to go out with Travis?” I rolled my eyes and he put his hand on my cheek. “Look me in the eye and say it to me.”

 

I knew what I wanted to say. _No, Jensen. I only want you. I’ll only ever want you. There’s no-one else. There never will be._ But I didn’t. “I want to go out with Travis.”

 

He held my eyes and then his shoulders fell. “Fine.” He had fire in his voice. Just then Kara walked past us and I saw his eyes light up. “Hey Kara?”

 

 _He wouldn't. He wouldn’t._ “Yeah?” She asked, her blond hair swinging around her as she turned to us.

 

He held my eyes for a moment then looked back at her. “You want to go out on Saturday?”

 

Her eyes lit up and her lips twisted into a smug smile as she eyed me up. “Of course. Pick me up at 6?”

 

“I’ll be there.” Jensen tried to smile at her but it looked more like a grimace. Kara sprang over to us, pressing a kiss to Jensens cheek and I had to look away and then she disappeared with her friend. I wanted to disappear.

 

I felt sick. I looked at the ground trying to hide the tears in my eyes. “I deserve that.” I said gently.

 

I looked up at him and he must’ve known what he’d done cos his steely expression immediately faded. “Carmen?” He reached out for me and I took a step back.

 

“You couldn’t have chosen anyone else? Literally anyone else?” I felt a tear escape and I wiped it away quickly. His expression changed again to hurt and regret.

 

“Carmen please,” He reached out for my wrist and I pushed his hand away.

 

“No!” I took two more steps back, hating what we were doing. “Is this what we do now? Is this what we are now?”

 

“I’m sorry, Carmen.”

 

I shook my head at him. “So much for friendship huh?” I turned away from him, running to the bus before it pulled away.

 

I didn’t talk to Jensen for the rest of the week.

 

I’d never felt so far away from him since we met.

 

  * * * * * * * * * * *



 

Saturday rolled around and at 6pm a horn sounded from the road side and I made my way downstairs.

 

“Who is this boy again?” My dad asked from where he was peering out the window through the blinds. I zipped up my coat.

 

“Just a kid from school, Dad.”

 

He frowned at me. “I don’t like him. His car is stupid and he hasn’t even come to the door. What happened to Jensen?”

 

I rolled my eyes opening the door. “Why don’t you ask him and the girl he’s taking out tonight? The same one he cheated on me with? Then ask me what happened to him.” I shut the door after myself, pulling my scarf around myself tighter. I made my way towards the car. _Ew_. It was stupid. Some ostentatious vehicle that had no place in the middle of Texas, it looked like it should be on a race track.

 

I opened the door and got in, smiling at Travis who had already started the car. “What took you so long?” He asked abruptly, peeling away from the curb so fast I fell against the door.

 

I quickly fastened my seatbelt and he turned the music up so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. _So I guess we’re not talking tonight then huh?_

He drove too fast. He was wearing too much cologne. He was giving me a headache. He was wearing too much black. His hair looked stupid. He didn’t smile enough. He didn’t smile at all. He ran that red light. Is he smoking? He’s smoking. He’s a smoker. _I don’t like this guy._

 

We pulled into a carpark and I looked out the windscreen, seeing the diner Jensen had taken me to on the worst first date I’d had until this one.

 

“We're going here?” I asked him and he laughed, throwing his cigarette out the window.

 

“Yeah, this place is great you’ll love it.” He got out of the car and I hesitantly followed him. He barely waited for me to catch up to him before he opened the door. I followed in after him and he immediately made his way over to a booth in the window and I followed, although I really wanted to leave. I sat down opposite him and he was chewing on a toothpick reading the menu.

 

The waitress came over and I listened to him order half the menu. I ordered a salad and a coke feeling my stomach still churn from the car ride. I clasped my hands on my lap under the table and looked up as the bell rang over the door.

 

“Hey Maggie, how are you doing, Beautiful?” That could only be one person. _Of course he brings her here_.

 

I hid behind my menu, holding it up in front of me as I watched them take a seat in the booth near the front. He then looked at me and I put the menu up.

 

“What are you doing?” Travis asked pulling the menu out of my hands. I looked at him and he followed where I was blocking and he laughed. “They look good together don’t they? I always knew they’d end up back together.”

 

I frowned, looking down at my hands. “Yeah. They’re a picture alright. They deserve one another.”

 

“Hey, you don’t still have feelings for that little twerp do you?”

 

I looked up at him. “Twerp? I thought Jensen was your friend?”

 

Travis laughed. The drinks came and he swirled his straw through his milkshake. “Friend? That kid is so popular he thinks everyone is his friend. He’s a fake. He swans around that school thinking he owns it. I hate guys like him.”

 

I didn’t say anything, although I wished I had. Jensen was not a fake. He was popular because he _was_ friendly with everyone. This guy was a fake.

 

I looked over at Jensen who was glancing at me every so often. Kara was talking so much she didn’t even notice he wasn’t paying attention to her. I met his eyes and I felt so lost. I bit back tears and looked at Travis, pushing my glass away. I really wished I had worn my charm bracelet tonight.

 

“Look, I might just go.” I went to move out of the booth when Travis came to my side, “Travis?”

 

“No, you're not going anywhere. I’ve seen you with Jensen. You're such a tease, making out with him in the cafeteria, in the courtyard, in the gym, on the field. I’ve seen you. We’ve seen you. Now it’s time for you to share don’t you think?”

 

“Back off Travis.” I warned but my voice was weak. His hand ran up my leg and up under my dress and I pushed myself as far back against the window as I could. I looked around but no-one was watching. I reached out for his milkshake. “I said back OFF!” I threw his milkshake at him, and he moved out of the booth instantly, wiping his face and shirt.

 

“You are such a fucking freak, Carmen!” He reached over to the other side of the booth, grabbing his jacket. “Find your own way home, frigid bitch.” He seethed and went to take a seat with Jensen and Kara’s group of ‘friend’s’ who were already looking at me like I was a freak.

 

I had some milkshake on my dress and I got up, heading towards the bathrooms to wash it off.

 

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked from his booth with Kara. I stopped rolling my eyes at them both.

 

“As if you care!” I snapped and stormed off to the bathroom. I grabbed a paper towel, stabbing at the chocolate stain on my pink dress.  “I hate this place. I hate this school. I hate these people.”

 

“We hate you too, Carmen.” I looked up to see Kara with a group of girls I recognized from her little posse from school. “I saw what you did to Travis. Silly girl, now _he_ won’t even want you.”

 

I backed away as they slowly made their way towards me. It was then I noticed they all had milkshakes in their hands and I figured out what they were here to do.

 

“Eye for an eye, Guilford.” Kara smiled at me and I turned, running into the nearest cubicle, locking it as they pushed against it. “COME ON GUILFORD! COME AND GET YOUR REWARD!”

 

 _This can’t be happening. Not again. Not another bathroom._  I fell down on the closed toilet seat and pulled my feet up, covering my head trying to drown out their screams. _I’m not here. This isn’t happening._ Their screams circled the cubicle and when I felt something cool and wet drip down my back I knew what they were doing.

 

“Give me another one,” Kara squealed. “Gimmie, gimmie!” She was laughing like a maniac as she poured milkshakes over me and I went inside my head, repeating West Side Story lyrics until it was over.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

**JENSEN P.O.V**

 

“As if you care!” Carmen spat at me before she walked off to the bathroom. I didn’t see what happened because the waitress was taking our dinner orders but it can’t have been good. I looked over at Travis who was now sitting with our friends wiping milkshake off his shirt.

 

“I’ll go and see what happened.” Kara smiled, jumping up, running over to our group. I sipped my milkshake watching them talk. Kara came back over. “Travis overstepped his boundaries. I’ll go and check on her.” Kara grabbed her milkshake and smiled at me, going off to the bathroom.

 

I frowned at her and got up, watching a group of Kara’s friends head to the bathroom as well. Chicks were weird like that.

 

I went over to the corner booth, sitting down opposite Travis. “What do you want, Ackles?”

 

“What did you do to her?” I asked clenching my fist on the table.

 

He laughed smugly. “She was asking for it. Look, I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t do, am I right?” I got up, grabbing Travis by the collar of his shirt.

 

“The difference is she loves me, asshole.”

 

Travis laughed in my face. “Well you can have her. She s a total freak. Besides, Kara already said she’d thank her for giving you back. She had something really nice to pay her back with.” He laughed, pushing me off him.

 

I then heard the screams and laughter coming from the bathroom and I took off running. I pushed open the door to the ladies room. Kara was standing on the toilet seat next to one of the cubicles, laughing her head off pouring a milkshake into the closed cubicle next to her as her friends screamed and banged on the cubicle walls.

 

One guess who was inside the cubicle.

 

“STOP!” I screamed and the room fell silent. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? What is wrong with you people?” I moved to the cubicle, pushing the girls away from it.

 

Kara jumped down, still laughing to herself. “You should see her, Jen. She’s absolutely covered. But we ran out.” I grabbed the empty milkshake glass off her and looked her in the eyes.

 

“You make me sick.” I seethed looking her over.

 

“What?” her smile disappeared. “She threw a milkshake on Travis like some kind of freak and-“

 

I threw the glass at the wall and heard Carmen whimper from inside the cubicle. “She. Is not. A freak.” I looked Kara in the eye. “If you come near her again, if you so much as breathe in her general direction I will end you.” I'd  never heard myself speak like this before, or feel this kind of anger before, but she had messed with my girl. She had revisited Carmen’s worst nightmare without knowing. I only hoped I could bring her back this time.

 

“But I thought we were back together. That you were done with her.” Kara still sounded hopeful. _Little did she know_.

 

“I’ll never be done with her, Kara. But I’m done with you.” I looked down at her. “Now get. Out.” I moved towards the cubicle, trying to open it. The girls moved towards the exit.

 

“Jensen…” Kara tried again and I just turned, glaring at her again. “Ok fine, sorry, I’ll go.” She left, taking her posse with her and I moved back to the cubicle door.

 

“Carmen?” I said through the door. “Carmen, it’s me.”

 

I heard her whimper and knew she was crying. I hated not being able to see her. I internally apologized to Maggie and kicked open the door and it swung back on its hinges. And there she was.

 

My hands began to shake, and I felt sick to my stomach. My girl, wrapped up inside herself, rocking back and forth on the toilet seat with her head hidden, covered and dripping in steadily melting milkshake.

 

I stepped towards her, holding onto the walls to keep from slipping on the milkshake that was pooling around her. I heard the door open and someone came in behind me. “Jensen?” It was Lydia, she wasn’t here earlier. “Oh my god, what did they do to her?”

 

I stopped in front of Carmen. “Lydia, can you go and ask Maggie for some towels please?” I looked down at my girl, seeing the milk shake caking her normally beautiful hair. Her pink dress was soaked and probably ruined.

 

“I’ll be right back.”

 

“And can you send in Scott and make sure no-one else comes back here?” I asked her.

 

“I will!” She replied and she left, running.

 

I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know how to help. I reached out, touching her head and she flinched, pulling away from me. “Its me, it’s me Carmen. It’s just me.”

 

She peered up at me from between her hair that was falling around her. If I didn’t know she was broken, I would have said she looked crazy. But she was still beautiful.

 

I reached for her again and she reached out, gripping my wrist. She held me and moved her hand into my own, watching our limbs entwine.

 

“Jensen?” She whispered, her voice thick from crying.

 

“It's me.” She looked up into my eyes and recognition flicked in them and she looked around her. She let my hand go and looked at her arms, her hands, her hair and she began to shake.

 

“Oh my god, oh my god, what did they do?”

 

I threw all caution to the wind and pulled her to me, cradling her in my arms as I switched our positions, sitting down on the toilet seat with her on my lap.

 

I buried her head to my chest, covering her vision.

 

“Don’t look sweetheart. I'll fix this. I'll clean this up.” I said to her. She began to cry again and I held her tighter.

 

The door opened and I looked up to see Scott, his arms full of towels and Maggie come to his side. “Oh dear,” She cried, her eyes dropping to the girl in my arms.

 

“Everything’s fine. She's fine.” I reached out for a towel and Scott handed one to me before putting one on the floor in front of us.

 

“That group are never coming back in here again, oh Jensen.” Maggie began to snivel and excused herself from the room.

 

Carmen began to whimper on my lap and I covered her with the towel, trying to mop up as much of the sugary drink as I could but it was beginning to get sticky.

 

“What do you want me to do?” Scott asked.

 

I looked up at him and I felt so helpless. “I need to take her home. She needs a shower. I can’t…I can't fix this.” I felt my emotions rise and Scott moved towards me, reaching out to touch my head.

 

“You are fixing it. Get her out of here. Take Lydia with you. She’s out front helping Maggie clear the restaurant. I'll help out here then come to her place. Stay with her. She needs you now more than ever.” His voice was stern and low keeping me grounded. “Now, Jensen.”

 

I wrapped the towel around her, covering her head and back where it was worst and pulled her against me, her face burying into my neck. I stood, cradling her in my arms and I maneuvered us out of the cubicle and towards the door. Scott held it open for me and nodded at me as I made my way out of the bathroom and up the hallway.

 

Lydia appeared in the doorway as I moved into the light. “Is she okay? We kicked everyone out.”

 

“She will be. Can you come with me? She’s gonna need your help to get this off.” I asked Lydia, feeling the emotion rise in me again.

 

She nodded at me. “Of course. Anything. Here.” She grabbed Carmen’s burgundy coat from the booth she was sitting in and came over to me, draping it over the parts of her the towel wouldn’t cover.

 

“Thank you. Can you get the door?” Lydia opened it stepping out before she stopped, standing tall, protectively.

 

“You're no longer welcome here.” Lydia said to the group surrounding Travis’s stupid car.  Kara was hanging off his arm, smiling at me with venom in her eyes.

 

“This is a free country, Lydia. What are you going to do? Call the cops?” Kara laughed.

 

“She might not. But I will.” Maggie said, stepping out of her diner. “You and your friends caused a lot of damage in that bathroom, not to mention you endangered the safety and well-being of one of my customers, I have no doubt the sheriff’s office will be interested in that.”

 

Kara swallowed and moved, climbing into the passengers side of Travis’s douche mobile. Carmen shivered in my arms and I moved to my truck.

 

 Lydia moved past me, helping me unlock the car. I placed Carmen in the passengers seat and buckled her in.

 

I went over to Maggie who was still standing in the doorway. “I’m so sorry about this Maggie. Scott’s going to help you clean up. Any damage, anything let me know and I’ll cover it.”

 

“Nonsense. Those girls. That group. They are not your friends Jensen. That girl in your truck is special, go, look after her.”

 

I nodded, kissing the older lady on the cheek before heading back to my truck. I climbed in and started the engine, reaching over to run my fingers down Carmen’s sticky hair. “I’m going to fix this, Carmen. I promise you. I’ll fix this, Sweetheart.”

 

And I meant it.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

**CARMEN P.O.V**

I watched the lights whizz past, my head against the window of Jensen’s truck.

 

“Is she humming?” I heard someone ask. _Lydia. Lydia was here._

 

“She's singing to herself. She’s singing West Side Story.” _Jensen_. That was Jensen's voice. He had found me. I was safe. “We’re almost home, Carmen.” Jensen said again and he turned onto my street. I recognized the trees that lined the road. _They were so pretty in Winter_.

 

The truck pulled into the driveway and Jensen stopped the engine.

 

“Lydia, go and warn her parents. I'll bring her in. Let them know she's okay and it looks worse than it is, alright?” Jensen told Lydia.

 

“Of course.” She must've left because the door shut behind her, clicking closed.

 

Jensen got out and suddenly he was at my door. “Come on, Sweetheart. Let’s get you inside, we'll get you cleaned up. You’ll be fine.”

 

 _I am fine. I’m already fine._ He pulled me into his arms, he was so warm. _So strong. My Jensen_.

 

“I’ve got her, she’s okay.” I heard him say to someone.

 

“What happened?! What the hell happened!? Oh my god! Jensen!?” _Caleb_. My brother. My twin. Why was he so angry? _It’s okay Caleb. Don’t be angry._

 

“The girls. They cornered her in the bathroom at the diner. I was too late.” Jensen sounded so sad. _Don’t be sad Jensen. I’m here_.

 

I was inside because the air changed, it was warmer in here. “Oh my girl, what did they do?” My mother, she was crying. I felt her hand on my head and I could smell her perfume around me. _Don’t cry Mom. I'm okay, Jensen has me_. “Take her to her bathroom, Lydia is running a bath.”

 

“Who did this, Jensen? Which girls?” Caleb asked him as he climbed the stairs.

 

“Not now, Caleb. I need to fix this first.” Jensen snapped at him and I looked up. I saw Jensen’s face and he looked down at me, smiling through teary eyes. “You’re okay. We'll clean you up.”

 

I went to reach for his face and I saw my arm then, it was brown and pink and sticky. My skin felt heavy. I felt sticky. I looked at my arm and then down at myself. Jensen felt me and moved quicker to the bathroom.

 

“Lydia move!” Jensen shouted and before I knew what was happening I was lowered into a warm bath, fully clothed. I sunk down into the water, lifting my legs out so I could wash the milkshake off my head. “Here, here. Let me help.”

 

Jensen fell to his knees, grabbing a wash cloth. I went to grab it off him and he stopped me, holding my wrist. I looked up at him, feeling my lower lip quiver. I looked down at his shirt, seeing the milkshake stains on his shirt and I reached for him.

 

“I’m here, Carmen. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

I hid my face against him and I felt him move the wash cloth down over my head, rinsing it before passing it over me again. “ _There’s a place for us…somewhere a place for us…”_ I sung. Needing something to keep me from losing it again. “… _peace and quiet and open air…wait for us…somewhere.”_ I felt the tears roll down my cheeks as Jensen washed me.

 

He sung softly with me and before I knew it I was clean. My mother poked her head in, setting down a fresh set of clothes for me. Lydia came into the room then with my hairbrush. “Jensen,” she said softly to the boy who was still cradling me. “I can do this part.” She said.

 

He waved her off. “I can dress her. You can stay but I'm not leaving her alone. And don’t you dare use the word inappropriate. After what I’ve been through with her I'm not leaving her tonight. I won't.”

 

Lydia knelt down beside Jensen and I peered up at her. “He can stay, Lydia.” I said and they both looked down at me.

 

I pushed myself up and Jensen helped me out of the tub. “Caleb left a change of clothes for you on the bed Jensen.” Lydia spoke softly.

 

I stood on the bath mat and Lydia moved on the floor to untie my shoes, helping me out of them, discarding my socks beside them. I unbuttoned my dress, lifting it up and over my head before throwing it to the floor. It was ruined.

 

Jensen stepped back, realizing it left me in my underwear and his eyes wandered my body. He looked like he was in pain. _My scars from the first time this happened_.

“Jensen,” Lydia stood, moving in front of me. “Go and change. You're covered in milkshake. I'll keep the door open.”

 

He nodded, quickly leaving the room. I changed and stood in front of the mirror, brushing my hair. Lydia grabbed my dirty clothes and shoes.

 

“I’m just going to run these down to your Mom. Are you okay here?” I nodded to her and she smiled.

 

“Lydia?” She stopped in the doorway. “Thank you.”

 

“Don’t mention it. What are friends for.” She smiled warmly at me then left the room.

 

I tied my hair into a loose bun, just wanting it out of my face. I heard Jensen clear his throat from my room and I moved to the doorway. He was standing by my balcony doors, looking out at the moon. A soft glow was coming from my lamp on my beside table and his shoulders were slumped in defeat.

 

I shut the bathroom light off and moved into my room. I stepped up behind him, wrapping myself around him from behind.

 

He turned, his hands running over my hair and down my cheek. “Jensen…”

 

“Don’t you dare say, thank you. You shouldn’t be saying thank you to me. They were…Kara…she was only there because of me.” I crushed myself to his chest, knowing he needed comfort just as much as I did.

 

He moved us to the bed, laying back on it, pulling me over his chest so I was buried into his side.

 

“She will never come near you again, if I have to watch you everyday for the rest of my life she will not come near you again.”

 

I tucked my face into his neck, crying against his skin as he said soothing words into my ear.

 

My mother came in and checked on us, my brother came in a short while after. Scott came in too before he and Lydia left.

 

I wanted to stay in his arms forever, I felt safe, and protected. “I love you. I love you.” He said over and over again until I fell asleep.

 

_Today I survived. And for the first time it didn’t break me, it made me stronger. I wasn’t broken this time, and I was going to fight back._

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:
> 
> umm..........
> 
> dont hate me.
> 
> Thanks to LissieRT for the comment.
> 
> And to the lurkers. ELLO.
> 
> -R


	12. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Standing up to the enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger**



I took a few days off school to recuperate after the milkshake incident. The entire school would have heard by the Sunday as I’m sure it would have been something Kara would have liked to brag about.

 

I didn’t go to church but the minister came by and saw me. Jensen didn’t leave my side. He didn’t even go to school until Wednesday when his mom and I made him.

 

His parents were around a lot, helping out where they could, sitting with me, keeping me occupied. Mackenzie spent 4 hours one night meticulously braiding my hair. Josh sat and read with me, in total silence but it was nice to have the company.

 

Scott and Lydia came over most days after school as well.

 

My beautiful extended family. I was very lucky.

 

And Jensen. He was more than I could have asked for. He comforted me, and kept me fed. He held me while I slept and made me smile even when all I wanted to do was cry.

 

Thursday I decided to go back to school and he came to my house early, knocking on my door with a plate of toast and tea.

 

He sat on my bed, rubbing my wrist soothingly while I ate and cleared up the dishes while I showered. I wore dark blue tights and a black woollen jumper, knowing winter was well and truly upon us.

 

We were two weeks out from Christmas and rehearsals had already started for the musical. Jensen had gone to a few but I had yet to make an appearance.

 

I pulled on my brand new burgundy coat that my parents had replaced, since my other one was covered in milkshake. More collateral damage. They also replaced my white converse, since they were my favourite shoes. I pulled them on, tying them up.

 

Jensen came in and moved to my backpack, putting the homework he and Caleb had bought home for me inside before zipping it up.

 

I stood and he smiled over at me. “Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”

 

I walked to him, wrapping myself around him, my head resting gently on his shoulder. “I won’t let them win. They think they hold this power over me. They don't. I won’t let them.”

 

I looked back into his eyes, standing up and he ran his hand down my cheek, holding the back of my neck. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. Principal Jenkins said I could sit in your classes with you, just for today. Make sure you’re okay.”

 

“I don’t think that'll be necessary. They narrowly escaped being expelled because it didn’t happen on school property, they wouldn’t dare touch me.”

 

Jensen squeezed my neck, holding back a groan. “It's not the physical bullying I’m afraid of.”

 

I smiled at him, reaching up to pull his hand from my neck. “I love you, but please don’t choke me.” His face changed and he threw me an apologetic smile. “I can handle them. I think they expected this to make me weak, but I’m done being weak. I’m done being scared. This is the first place in my whole life where I feel like I’m home and I’m not about to let your twisted ex and her gang of try hard wannabes mess with my happiness anymore.” I grabbed my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. “Let’s do this.” I nodded at him and marched out of my room and down the stairs.

 

Jensen followed along behind me. We said goodbye to my mother, grabbed Caleb and headed to the truck. And I was fine and determined until we pulled up to the school. Jensen slid into a carpark and for once we weren’t surrounded by his friends. Just the comforting sight of Lydia and Scott, waiting a few feet away, hand in hand.

 

“I’ll wait outside for you.” Caleb said, sliding out of the truck. I looked around, seeing eyes look over at the truck, wondering if I was inside.

 

I swallowed and looked over at Jensen. “I know I said I was strong. But if you let me go, I’ll murder you.” I said to him and he laughed unbuckling his seatbelt.

 

“I’ll never let you go.” He reached over, cupping my cheek and I met him halfway, our lips meeting in the middle. We pulled back at the same time and I smiled at him. “I love you.” He told me before he climbed out of the truck.

 

I looked down at my charm bracelet, my fingers running over the J. He had saved me. He started saving me the day I met him. And he was still saving me now.

 

“Come on, sweetheart.” Jensen was at my door, holding his hand out to me. I picked up my bag, slinging it over my shoulder as I took his hand and slid out. “Don’t look at anyone. We'll just walk to your locker okay?”

 

I nodded, feeling my strength slip. And then I saw my friends. My small, but special group of friends. My brother, Lydia and Scott.

 

I grabbed Jensens hand tightly in mine and we walked over to them. “Hey girl,” Lydia greeted me with a hug, Scott sending me a reassuring smile as he patted Jensen on the back. “You ready to go in?” Lydia asked, winding her arm through mine.

 

I nodded, looking over at my brother and Jensen who were waiting for me. “Let’s do this.” I turned towards the school building, feeling the love and strength of the people around me.

 

I kept my head high and I moved towards the school building, blocking out the faces and words of the people we passed. Jensens hand in mine kept me grounded and we walked through the doors as one.

 

I made it to my locker, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

 

“You did it, you're doing so well.” Jensen said into my ear, brushing my hair behind my shoulder as I opened my locker. I put my bag away, grabbing my books. “You’re so brave, Sweetheart.”

 

I shut my locker, turning towards Jensen and over his shoulder I saw Kara, coming towards us down the hall, her friends with her, Travis's arm thrown over her shoulder.

 

My brother was there instantly, standing behind me, and Jensen, seeing my face change, knew without even looking. “Don’t.” He put his hands on my hips, keeping his eyes on mine.

 

“Well, look who finally decided to show up.” Kara’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard.

 

“Eyes on me, only look at me Sweetheart.” Jensen told me and I did as he said, focusing on green eyes and freckled features.

 

“What, you can’t even look at me now? You’re that scared? You’re so pathetic.” Did she ever shut up?

 

“Let’s go, baby.” Jensen put his arm around me, manoeuvring me around Kara and her group. We were almost out of range when she said something I couldn’t ignore.

 

“He'll come back to me you know? He always does.” She was trying to get into my head. She was trying to make me doubt him. She was trying to make me push him away.

 

I let Jensens hand go, moving back towards her and he reached out for my wrist. I turned to him, seeing the concern in his eyes. “I’m okay.” I said to him. “I love you. Let me do this.”

 

He held my eyes and glanced over at Kara. He sighed and then nodded, letting me go. I turned to Kara, feeling the bravery rise in me. “Look at him, pretending like he cares about you.” Kara piped up earning a reaction from Jensen who went to hurl himself at her. I pressed my hand back towards him, keeping him behind me. He grabbed my hand, rubbing my wrist to calm himself before he let me go, going back to our group. Kara’s eyes never left us, throughout our entire exchange. She looked hurt. And jealous.

 

“Kara, why do you care so much?” I asked her, my voice light even to my own ears. “If you hate me so much, why do you care?”

 

“Because you stole him from me you freak!!” She moved out of Travis's grip towards me.

 

“I didn’t steal him from you. He broke up with you. _He_ broke up with _you_ , before he even met me. So how could I possibly have stolen him from you?”

 

“You little bitch, that’s not even how it happened! He broke up with me after we had sex!!”

 

“I didn’t have sex with you, Kara.” Jensen stepped forward, joining my side. “Stop this facade or whatever it is you’re trying to do. It’s not true. I didn’t sleep with you.”

 

Kara’s face fell and her hands were shaking. “But you loved me, I know it. You-you keep. coming back to me. You asked me out right in front of her.”

 

“That was wrong of me. I’m sorry.” He touched my hand and I looked over at him. “I’ve chosen, Kara. I choose Carmen. We just want to be happy.”

 

“But you were happy with me?” Kara was crying now. A maniacal look to her face. “You could be happy with me?”

 

I pulled Jensens hand into mine and he looked over at me, meeting my eyes. “This is over Kara,” I told her as I looked back at her. “I’m not going to sit back and take it anymore. I’m not going to sit back and let you try and break me. I’ve already been there, you’re just making me stronger.”

 

“I could still destroy you.” She was a fighter, I’ll give her that.

 

“Then destroy me!” I stepped forward. “I’m right here. Do your worst because it’s not going to change anything. Kara, I’m sorry. I'm sorry that you feel like this, I'm sorry if just being here has ruined your life but I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. You can fight this until graduation but after that what’s the point? High school is nothing. We’re only here for 6 more months and then what? You follow us to college or wherever we go? Give it up, Kara. It’s over.” I stepped back to Jensen, wrapping my arm around his waist and he smiled down at me.

 

Kara looked around at her fellow pupils, her friends who had taken a fairly obvious step away from her. Even Travis already had his arm around someone else.

 

“Walk me to homeroom Jensen?” I asked him.

 

He tucked my hair behind my ear, the love and affection shining through his eyes. “Anytime, Sweetheart. Let’s go.” He cradled me against him as we both turned to our friends.

 

Kara left school that day, we didn’t see her again. We got word that she had gone off to boarding school in Europe. I hoped wherever she was she found some peace.

 

And for what it’s worth, I forgave her.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

Jensen was waiting outside my last class the next day. Friday. Game day. We went to rehearsal which went okay, it was only Jensen and I so I didn’t have to sing in front of anyone but Ms. Leslie, Sarah and Liam who were our understudies.

 

Jensen dropped me off and I was going to meet him at the game. This would only be the second game of Jensens I had made it to. The crowds weren’t as bothersome anymore since I’d been through worse.

 

My parents couldn’t make it because they had a work function for my dad but Caleb was coming along. He got a ride with Scott and Lydia. I was picked up by the Ackles family and sat next to Kenzie who talked my ear off about the musical the entire ride to the school.

 

“Kenzie, give the poor girl a chance to answer before you keep talking.” Donna laughed from the front seat as we pulled into the school parking lot.

 

“I’m sorry, Carmen! I’m just so excited! Jensen’s never been in something like this, I just want to know how it’s going.” Mackenzie complained, throwing her arms up.

 

“I can’t actually say much but I will say he’s doing a great job. He’s going to make a fantastic Tony.” I nudged Mackenzie’s side before climbing out of the car.

 

“Come on, you lot! We’re going to be late, they’re about to start!” Alan rushed us into the gym and Mackenzie took my hand, saying she wanted to sit next to me. She was adorable.

 

We got inside and I immediately unzipped my coat feeling the warmth from the crowd. I followed Donna and Alan as they headed towards the bleachers. Lydia was waving at us. They had gotten seats first row beside the guys bench and had saved the row behind them for us.

 

I took a seat behind Caleb and in-between Josh and Mackenzie. I took my coat, beanie and gloves off before sitting on them and then I searched the crowds for Jensen.

 

He wasn’t hard to find. All kitted out in his white and green uniform. He looked so smart. They did a few runs and threw the ball around before the coach blew his whistle and they ran over to the bench, sitting, standing or taking a knee as they listened.

 

I knew Jensen was starting. He was really nervous because he very rarely started games, they normally bought him in during the 3rd quarter but he had really upped his game this season.

 

He looked over at us as the two captains walked into the middle to shake hands and he smiled. Well, he smiled until his family began to hoot and holler at him which was actually pretty funny for me.

 

“Ha, he’s blushing. Hilarious!” Josh laughed, pointing at Jensen as he moved away so we couldn’t see him but the back of his neck was red.

 

“You enjoy teasing him don’t you?” I asked Josh, laughing at how entertained he was.

 

“It's a part of the perks of being his older brother. Mackenzie has both of us sucked in, has done since she was born. I only get to make fun of Jensen.”

 

I laughed. “Suddenly I’m glad I’m a twin, I have to say.”

 

The game started and it was all go from the very start. Every time Jensen got the ball I was on edge and in the 6th minute Jensen broke loose, pivoting around whoever was spotting him and ran for the basket, shooting from the 3 point line and I was on my feet as soon as it went in through the hoop.

 

“Wooooooo!!!” I screamed, throwing my arms in the air and Jensen ran back, pointing at me with a wink. “Yes Jensen!!!” I looked around, seeing the group I was with eyeing me, totally enjoying me making a spectacle of myself. I sat back down, smoothing down my hair. “Sorry. I apparently do have school spirit...”

 

Caleb was turned towards me, his eyes raised in amusement. “I didn’t think you were one to enjoy competitive sports, Carmen.”

 

“Hey,” I responded but my eyes were already watching the ball in play. “As long as I’m not playing I’m all for a bit of rough and tum- Oh come on Ref!!” I stood up again as one of our side was pulled up for a foul.

 

The ref looked over at me and I sat back down, hiding my face. “Oh my god, you’re coming to all the games!!” Josh was in hysterics.

 

The game was pretty even until the last few minutes of the 4th quarter and honestly I was seeing red. Jensen was running for the basket and one of the opposing team members tripped him, blaming it on the slippery floor.

 

I was on my feet, glaring at the toss-pot who tripped my Jensen when he, Jensen and the ref all looked over at me. The guy actually looked scared and Jensen was laughing, shaking off his fall. And it all came down to him. 8 seconds left on the clock. One free throw. It was all on Jensen for the win.

 

The entire side of bleachers were on their feet, including myself. My hands were clasped in front of me and I was watching him closely as he bounced the ball, moving into position.

 

He looked over at me and I smiled at him, nodding. “Breathe.” I mouthed to him and saw him look back at the basket. Mackenzie was latched onto my arm and Josh was leaning towards me.

 

He took several deep breaths, looked up at the basket, bounced the ball once, twice, and threw.

 

The noise was deafening as soon as the ball slipped through the hoop. Mackenzie was hugging me and everyone around me was screaming.

 

The team ran onto the court, and so did half the crowd but I only had eyes for Jensen. I stayed on the bleachers, watching him come towards us. His parents stepped down, congratulating him proudly.

 

Josh and Kenzie and our small group of friends followed after and then his eyes found mine.

 

“Let me say hi to my girl.” I watched Jensen say, patting his brother on the back.

 

I smiled down at him, and he stepped up onto the seat below me.

 

“Hey, Sweetheart.” He smiled reaching out for me and I threw myself at him. Stupidly though because he didn’t have his footing and he fell back, taking me with him. It wasn’t far to fall though but I may have winded him on the landing. He cradled me against his chest, checking me for injuries but I was laughing so hard. “You’re okay?”

 

I rubbed his cheek, pressing a kiss to his lips. “I’m fine. Sorry that was such an aggressive hug. Sports apparently brings out a different side of me.” I laughed.

 

He ran the back of his fingers down my  cheek, leaning up to steal another kiss from my lips. “That guy who tripped me thought you were going to run onto the court and pummel him.”

 

I shrugged, sitting up so I wasn’t crushing him any longer. “I’m not going to lie, I was thinking about it.”

 

He sat up as well, pulling the front of his basket ball singlet up to wipe his forehead of sweat.

 

“You were amazing out there.” I told him, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

 

“I was terrified I was going to miss that free throw. I would’ve died.” He stood up, pulling me up with him. “I’m going to go shower and then I think Mom and Dad want to take us all to the diner.”

 

I frowned. I hadn’t been back since the milkshake incident. He noticed my hesitation and reached for my wrist.

 

“We can go somewhere else, don’t worry. It slipped my mind, I’m sorry. We can go and get pizza.”

 

“No,” I grabbed his arm before he could walk off to his parents and pulled him back to me, his arms going around my waist. “We can go. I won’t let that one bad experience ruin that place for me. The group is banned, I know they won’t be there. Let’s go, have some burgers and have a good time.”

 

He looked so proud of me in that moment. He kissed his lips to mine and rubbed our noses together. _That’s a bit cute._ “If you’re sure?”

 

I nodded. “I’m 100% sure. Now, go shower. You stink.” I kissed his lips again and he laughed.

 

“You love my stink. Why don’t you go with Lydia and I’ll bring Scott around once we’ve showered?” He suggested. We agreed and I bundled up, heading to the diner with Lydia. Caleb had to get home, needing to finish something by Monday so he could graduate in time.

 

We poured out of our cars and into the diner, it was still pretty quiet since most people were at the school still. We found the corner booth was empty which held the most people so we took it. Lydia and I sat at the edge of each side, leaving room for Jensen and Scott.

 

I glanced at the menu and we ordered what we wanted. I ordered what I usually got, a cheeseburger, fries and a coke and what Jensen normally got, a bacon cheeseburger, curly fries and a chocolate milkshake.

 

Maggie came over after we had ordered and made a beeline straight for me, pulling me into a hug. “Oh ok. Hi Maggie.”

 

She rubbed my arm, pulling away. “It’s so good to see you back here. I’m so sorry those girls got away with it, the worst I could do was trespass them but it’s disappointing they won’t be held accountable. Such cruel people.”

 

I shrugged, shaking my head at her. “I’ve decided to forgive them. I don’t have the energy to waste on them, I need it for myself.”

 

She nodded, smiling at me. “I’m so proud of you. And your Jensen. Where is he?”

 

“ He's...oh,” Just as I said that they walked in the door. “He's right there.” He was wearing jeans, a white shirt and his letterman jacket and a scarf, his wet hair under a beanie that was revealed as he slid it off. A few people applauded him as he entered and he blushed, laughing it off.

 

Maggie turned as Jensen and Scott walked towards us. Scott sat down and Jensen had a quiet talk with Maggie before giving her a hug. He came over to us, sliding into the booth next to me.

 

 _Oh my god, he smells so good._ I leant in without thinking, putting my nose to his neck as I breathed him in. He laughed and I pulled back, blushing profusely. “Sorry, you smell really good.”

 

He laughed again, thanking Maggie for bringing over our drinks before turning to look at me. “I showered. It happens.” He took a sip of his milkshake.

 

I reached up a hand, brushing some of his wet hair out of his eyes. “I ordered you your favourite.”

 

He smiled down at me, leaning in to press a soft kiss against my lips. He moved back, searching my eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something but he didn't. I felt my stomach twist as I looked at him, the eyes I fell in love with. And sitting there in that diner I realized something.

 

Something I think I had known for awhile, a small spark that had grown into a fire. I reached my hand up, turning his face to look at me and the smile he was sharing with Scott slowly faded as he looked into my eyes.

 

“What’s wrong, Sweetheart? You’ve gone pale.” He stroked my cheek and I blinked at him, trying to pull myself out of my head.

 

“I’m fine. I went somewhere else for a second, I’m okay.” I tried to smile and I knew he didn’t believe me but he continued like nothing was wrong, slipping an arm protectively over my shoulder, pulling me against him.

 

We finished our food and I was out of sorts for the rest of the night. Jensen drove me home and he pulled into my driveway, shutting off the engine.

 

We sat in silence for a few moments then he turned towards me, his hand reaching out to toy with my hair.

 

“Are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you?” Jensen asked and I felt my hands begin to shake.

 

“It's not a big deal.” I shrugged, trying to play it cool although I was internally freaking out.

 

“Its obviously a big deal.” His hand that was in my hair moved to cover my clasped hands, I didn’t even realize I was doing that. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

 

I separated my hands, taking Jensen’s in my own. I took a deep breath and decided to let it all out. “You know I love you, I’ve told you everyday for the past week. But I was looking at you in that diner, where you saved me, where you kept me safe and I realized something that terrified me. I don’t like to get attached to things, I especially don’t like getting attached to people because I’ve always known that I would have to leave them. But I look at you, and I don’t want to leave you, ever.”

 

I looked at him and he was smiling warmly at me.

 

“I’m attached to you. In the worst way. And it’s terrifying but I want you to know, that I’m in love with you.” The last of my words came out in a whisper and I felt a tear slip from my eye.

 

He leaned over in his seat, cupping my face gently in his hands. “Good, because I’m in love with you too.” He smiled and moved in, kissing my lips gently but with so much meaning.

 

_Today, I took my life back. And I told Jensen I was in love with him for the first time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:  
> apologies for the emotional rollercoaster. ha well, sorry not sorry.
> 
> thanks to LissieRT and Kiss Orsolya for the comments.
> 
> thanks for the kudos and lurkers for reading this trash. ^_^
> 
> -R


	13. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas with the Ackles family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ
> 
> *Warning: Things get a little R Rated from now on.

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**



“Oh dear god...” I said to myself, sitting on my window ledge as I watched my boyfriend waltz into the cafeteria covered in tinsel, Christmas tree bauble’s hanging from his ears.

 

It was Friday the 22nd of December and the last day of school before the new year. Needless to say, some of us were feeling the Christmas spirit a little more than others.

 

Jensen made his way over to me and I watched him lift a sprig of mistletoe in front of him.

 

“Why hello there, pretty lady.” He was trying to make sexy eyes at me but it wasn’t working.

 

“You look like Christmas threw up on you. And you have glitter on your face.” I reached up, wiping the glitter off his cheek and laughed at my ridiculous boyfriend. “You really like Christmas don’t you?”

 

He shrugged, jumping up on the ledge beside me, little bits of tinsel falling around us as he moved. “What’s not to like? Family, friends, food, church, food, presents, food.”

 

I laughed and he put his arm around me, holding the mistletoe beside my head. I side eyed it and looked up into green eyes. “Do you want something, Ackles?”

 

He pulled me closer to him, rubbing his nose up the side of my own. “You know what I want...” He grinned cheekily at me and stole a kiss from my lips. Well, I let him. It wasn’t really stealing if I let him. He kissed me a few more times and dropped the mistletoe beside me. “...well I don’t really need that to kiss you do I?”

 

I nudged his side and settled against him, feeling him breathe by my side. “What do you have planned Christmas day? I don't think I’ve asked.”

 

“Church in the morning, and then all the family are coming round. All of them. Cousins, aunts, uncles. And then Christmas dinner.” He sounded so excited talking about it, I couldn’t imagine having such a big day with so many people. “What about you?”

 

I shrugged, playing with a strand of my hair. “Church, home, pyjamas, food, cheesy Christmas movies with my family and then we’ll probably play monopoly and end up angry at one another for the rest of the night.” I smiled to myself.

 

“Just you 4?” He sounded like he was sad for me and I looked up at him.

 

“Don’t feel bad for me. I like our small Christmas’s. I don’t know it any other way. It’s always been the 4 of us.”

 

He smiled sadly down at me. “It's not just the 4 of you now.” He kissed my forehead and pulled me against him, retreating into his head again.

 

We went back to his house after school and he left me in his room doing homework while he went and talked to his mother about something. He came in 20 minutes later grinning from ear to ear looking highly pleased with himself. “Why are you so happy?” I asked him, shutting my book.

 

He sat down at his desk, spinning his chair around towards me. “Your Christmas plans have now changed. It’s all been sorted. My mom called your mom and you and your family are now spending Christmas day with us, here.”

 

I stared at him, blinking slowly. “I’m sorry, what?”

 

He moved his chair towards me. “I don’t want you over there in your house with just the 4 of you. We’re your family now too. You should be with us, all of you. Your mom was so excited.”

 

“And what about what I want?” I snapped and Jensens face fell, his smile fading.

 

“I thought you would want to spend Christmas with me?”

 

I scoffed, shifting forward on Jensens bed. “Yeah, you. That would be great. But I don’t know your family. All of your family. Besides, I like my Christmas. Christmas for 4. Not Christmas for 400.”

 

“My family’s not that big, Carmen. Besides, they’ll love you.”

 

“What? Until I have a panic attack in the bathroom because your aunts are asking me a million questions all at once? Or until I can’t speak because a sea of your family are watching me and smiling at me like I’m something new and exciting. I just want a quiet Christmas where I don’t have to think about how messed up I am for once.”

 

“You’re not messed up, Carmen. You’ll have fun, I promise.” He reached out for me and I pushed his hand away. “Carmen? Please don’t be mad about this. It’s Christmas.”

 

I frowned at him shoving my books in my bag, standing up. “You should have asked me. You should have thought about me and how this would sound? Whatever makes Jensen happy Jensen gets right?”

 

Jensen stood up as well, crossing his arms in front of him. “That’s not fair. I did this for you!”

 

“For me?” I stood closer to him, looking up into his determined green eyes that were narrowed back at me. “You didn’t do this for me.” I poked my finger into his chest. “You did this for you. I have to go.”

 

I left his room and his house, I didn’t even say goodbye to his family which I never did. I had dinner with my family who were all buzzing about Christmas day with the Ackles. I couldn’t very well ruin their Christmas as well.

 

I went to bed but I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t argued with Jensen for weeks. And it was Christmas. I pulled my coat on over my Christmas themed pyjamas, slid my feet into my converse and snuck out my balcony doors, sliding down the trellis and I ran the 3 blocks I knew like the back of my hand.

 

I snuck across the Ackles front yard and over to the trellis underneath Jensens window. I was getting pretty good at climbing things. I made my way up, pushing open the window, glad he hadn’t locked it. I climbed in head first, catching myself with my hands on the floor before I face planted.

 

I looked around the dark room, seeing his body in his bed, a light snore coming from his sleeping form. _Of course he can sleep_. I smiled at the fact he didn’t over think things like I did and I crept towards his bed. _My perfect balance._ I shed my shoes and jacket on the floor and I moved up beside him, tucking myself under the covers with him.

 

He stirred when I slid my hand through his hair and down the side of his neck. He shifted, his hand meeting my hip. His eyes blinked open as I ran my hand up his neck again. He looked wide eyed at me, gripping my hip tighter.

 

“Carmen? Are you okay? What-what are you doing here?” His eyes ran down my body, and he wrapped his hands around my waist, pulling me up against his body and I could feel how excited he was to see me through our pyjamas.

 

“Woah, hey.” I pushed myself against his chest and he shut his eyes, stilling me against him.

 

“I’m sorry. Just, don’t move for a second. I just need a minute.” He kept his eyes closed and breathed slowly, and then he looked up at me, smiling apologetically. “Sorry. I was dreaming about you and then I woke up and here you are. I got away from myself.”

 

I shook my head, my hand still rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think. I couldn’t sleep because of what happened earlier and I wanted to apologize for being stupid so I kinda climbed up your trellis and fell in your window and-“ I was cut off by his lips firmly pressed to mine. I softened against him, kissing him back.

 

He tasted like toothpaste and smelt like sweat and sleep. I moved up his body, straddling myself over him and he gasped into my mouth, his hands moving from my waist to my hips. I slid my tongue across his bottom lip and he let me in, groaning into my mouth.

 

His hands moved down from my hips and firmly grabbed my butt, pushing himself up into me making me moan, his previous problem back with a vengeance. “Stop.” He whispered, pulling his lips away from me. “We need to stop or I’m not going to be able to.” His eyes were pleading and I realized how close he was to losing it.

 

“I’m sorry,” I slid off him, moving as far away from him as I could without falling  off the bed. He sat up, running his hands over his face to calm himself down. “I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”

 

He shook his head at me, pulling his comforter up his naked torso, covering himself up a bit more. He was blushing. It was sweet.

 

“I just came to say I’m sorry.” I told him, pulling my legs up to my chest. “I was mean to you earlier and I overreacted. You were trying to do something nice and I made it out to be something it wasn't. I’m sorry I got mad and left. I’m sorry.”

 

He smiled, reaching his hand out to me. I took it and he pulled me up beside him, tucking me under the covers as I nestled against his side. “I'm sorry. I should have checked with you, talked to you about it first. I just got so excited. Having you here for Christmas would be amazing. You and your family.  You guys are family now.”

 

I cuddled into him, sighing peacefully. “Just don’t let me go.”

 

He kissed the top of my head and I could hear the smile in his voice, “That ain’t ever gonna happen, Sweetheart.”

 

We held one another in the darkness of Jensen’s bedroom. I'd never been there so late. “Can I ask you something?”

 

“Anything. Always.”

 

I thought over what I wanted to ask and said it, trying not to blush as I did so. “When you said you were dreaming about me, when I got here, what were you dreaming about?” I was blushing, I knew I was.

 

He reached his fingers under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. He was already smirking. “Do you really need me to answer that?”

 

I smiled, looking down again. “Okay. So, I mean, you do think about me like that? You would want me like that?”

 

He tilted my head up again and I didn’t want to look at him. “Look at me, Sweetheart,” He laughed, trying to focus his eyes on mine. I finally gave in and looked at him. “I love you, Carmen. But I’m also a 17 year old male with a beautiful girlfriend who I can’t stop thinking about. Of course I want you. Yes I think about being that way with you.” He felt my body tense and he moved his hand to my wrist, rubbing gently. “But I'm in love with you and I do want my first time to be with you, and when the time is right, and when you're ready, if you want to, we can.”

 

I shifted, cuddling into him again. I knew he wanted me that way, he’d just never said it before. And I'd never felt the evidence like that before. And much to my surprise, it felt good.

 

“Do you want to? Like, would you want to be with me?” He sounded so nervous, like I could possibly turn around at any moment and say no.

 

I turned so I was looking up at him, my hand reaching up to play with his chin. “Of course I do. Some day. I guess I just always thought that my first time would be when I got married.” I was thinking out loud.

 

He smiled down at me when I mentioned marriage. “Marriage huh? I always thought I would be the one to propose but yeah if you want to...” He trailed off when I put my hand over his mouth, laughing at his silliness.

 

He moved down in the bed, pulling me against his chest, my knee naturally moving to rest over his hip. “Don’t tease. I’ve just never thought I would be in this situation, where sex was something that could even happen for me. Before you I couldn’t even talk to boys without...freaking out. Now look at me.”

 

“Look at you, baby.” He turned my face to his, kissing me softly. “Cute jammies.”

 

I put my head to his chest again, listening to his breathing in the darkness of his bedroom and before I knew it, I was asleep.

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

“Carmen, wakey wakey.” I came to, feeling arms around me, holding me from behind. I wasn’t in my room. That wasn’t my mom’s voice.

 

I sat up suddenly, looking around at Jensen's room. Donna was standing in the doorway holding a tray of coffee, eggs and toast.

 

“There you are. Sleepy head behind you can sleep through anything. I bought you guys some food.” She came in, placing the tray of food on the bed. I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights because she laughed. “Don’t worry, Carmen. We trust you guys and you’re both almost 18. I called your mom and let her know you're here.”

 

I was blushing, I was definitely blushing. “I don’t normally sleep over, if that’s what you’re thinking.” I told her. Jensen reached his arms out then, groaning in his sleep trying to pull me back to him.

 

Donna smiled, sitting down at Jensen's desk. “I think after the incident at the diner, all rules went out the window with you two. You're different with one another. He’s definitely different with you. I thought at first it might have been puppy love or infatuation but...it's real with you two.”

 

I smiled, turning to look at the boy sleeping behind me, his mouth slightly open. “I really love him.” I turned back to Donna. “I’m in love with your son.”

 

“Look I’m really flattered but,” Josh appeared in the doorway all rumpled from sleep. “You’re kinda dating my brother and-“

 

I picked up one of Jensen’s pillows and threw it at Josh who laughed and walked away. “Good Morning to you too, Carmen!”

 

Donna stood, shaking her head, laughing at her eldest so . “Thank you for breakfast!” I said to her, watching as she moved to the door.

 

“Anytime, enjoy!” She pulled the door closed on her way out. Jensen stirred then.

 

“Were you fake sleeping that entire time?” I asked, craning my head back to look at him. He had one eye open and was smiling.

 

“I might have been.” He sat up as I pulled the tray towards us. “So I hear you’re in love with Josh?” He teased so I purposely over salted his eggs.

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

Christmas came. I woke up that morning to find a bouquet of flowers outside my balcony door,  red and white peonies that made my room look festive.

 

They were from Jensen, I knew that without even reading the card. It was simple, a _Merry Christmas, Sweetheart. Love, Jensen._

 

I dressed in a long sleeved red velvet dress, black tights and black Mary Jane's. I French braided my hair into pigtails, wanting it out of my face. I grabbed my new black dress coat that I got for Christmas from my parents and I headed downstairs, we piled into the car and headed to church.

 

When we got there Jensen and his family had already arrived and Jensen was waiting for me, and as soon as the car had stopped he was at my door, holding it open with an offered hand.

 

“Merry Christmas, Mr. Ackles.” I smiled at him and he grinned, pulling me in for a tight hug.

 

“Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.” He whispered sweetly into my ear, sending shivers up my spine. “Is this jacket new? It smells new. It doesn’t smell like you yet.” He tucked my hand into his elbow, walking us towards the church.

 

“It was a gift.” I brushed the material with my gloved hand. “Do you like it?”

 

He kissed the top of my forehead. “You look beautiful, Sweetheart.”

 

We went into church and sung Christmas carols. It was all very festive. Jensen helped me into his truck to drive back to his place. My presents for Jensen and his family were already in my parents car and they would meet us there.

 

Jensen climbed into his side and we began our short drive home. “So my extended family won’t be arriving until about 1pm so that gives us time to hang out. I can go through some photos of everyone so you’ll at least recognize them before you meet them. My grandma’s sister spits when she talks so keep your distance. And her husband is...handsy. Actually, don’t go near him, not without me.”

 

I laughed, listening to Jensen tell me about his family. They all sounded lovely to be honest, as I imagined they would. The Ackles were such a warm lot it would be surprising if his extended family were any different.

 

And they weren't. They were welcoming and treated me like I’d always been there. Jensen got me a few more charms for my bracelet, a microphone, a treble clef, a bass clef and a heart. And I’d gotten him tickets to take Scott white water rafting when the weather got nicer. He was so excited. We sat on the couch towards the end of the evening, the credits of a Muppets Christmas Carol playing on the TV. Jensen's arm was over me and we were sipping on hot mulled wine, it was delicious.

 

“Have you had a good Christmas?” Jensen asked into my ear, pressing feather light kisses against my neck as he had been for the past hour, which was honestly driving me crazy. He didn’t even care if one of his family members walked in.

 

I smiled, “I have. I’m so full you may have to roll me home.”

 

He laughed into my ear, turning my head towards him to kiss me softly. “You can always stay here?” His eyes darkened and searched my own, looking powerful and vulnerable all at the same time.

 

I swallowed, leaning forward, putting my glass on the table. I turned back towards him and he was actually pouting at me, staring down into his half empty glass of mulled wine. I frowned at him taking the glass from him, placing it on the table next to mine.

 

It was then I noticed how glassy his eyes were. I checked my watch. 11:42pm. He had been drinking mulled wine since about 4:30pm. I laughed, pushing Jensen’s hair off his forehead and he looked up at me.

 

“You’re drunk aren’t you?” That explained his neck kisses.

 

He made a face at me then giggled, covering his mouth as he hiccupped.

 

“Yup,” I rubbed his cheek gently, standing up to hold my hands out to help him up. “You’re sloshed, Ackles. Come on baby, bed time.”

 

I helped him up just as Josh came stumbling in, crashing down onto the other sofa. “Aw, are you hammered little brother?”

 

Jensen went to kick out at Josh but missed and almost took me down to the floor with him. “Steady on, Chuck Norris.” I laughed at him, steadying him against me. Which wasn’t easy, because he was gigantic. “Josh? Can you help? He’s starting to rag doll.”

 

Josh laughed and got up, helping me carry his brother up to his bedroom. “You had a good Christmas, Carm?” Josh asked once we had Jensen on his bed where he immediately started snoring.

 

I fell down onto the bed beside him, leaning down to take off my shoes. Josh sat at the desk. “Yeah. It was really nice meeting all your family. Everyone’s so nice.”

 

“Well, you’re a part of this family now. Whether you like it or not.” He stood up, moving towards the door. “You’re staying the night I take it?” I nodded, laying back on Jensens bed still fully dressed.

 

“Goodnight Josh.” I waved at him, closing my eyes.

 

“Goodnight Carmen. Jensen's awake by the way.” Josh said as he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

 

I looked over at Jensen whose eyes opened as the door clicked shit. “You liar.” I laughed grabbing my pillow to hit him with it. “Stop doing that.”

 

Jensen laughed, rolling onto his back, grabbing the pillow off me.  “It's fun eavesdropping when you don’t think I can hear you.”

 

I sat up, beginning to un-braid my hair. “Plus you made us drag your tall butt up the stairs.” He sat up behind me, kissing my neck again. He reached up, helping me with my hair, patting it gently down my back.

 

It was so sweet. He cared so much about me that I could feel it every time he touched me. He didn’t touch me like I was fragile. He touched me like I was precious. Once all my hair was undone he pushed it to the side and over my shoulder, continuing his kisses across my neck and down my shoulder. It was then I realized he was unzipping my dress.

 

I felt my body stiffen. And so did he. He stopped, moving back so he was no longer kissing me. I shut my eyes, feeling the guilt engulf me.

 

“I’m sorry.” I said, moving my head so my hair hid my face.

 

I literally heard him whimper. “No,” He was immediately behind me, hugging my shoulders, pulling my hair behind my head with his other hand. “Don’t hide. Please don’t hide. I’m sorry. Don’t hide from me, baby.”

 

“I’m not ready Jensen.”

 

“That’s okay, that’s okay. I wasn’t trying to push you. You just look so beautiful. I just want to kiss you all the time. I’m sorry.”  He tucked his face against my neck and held onto me for dear life.

 

“Hey Jen?” I asked after a few moments.

 

“Yeah, baby?” He asked against my skin.

 

“You’re choking me a little bit.” He immediately removed his arms and sat back. I turned to him and he looked so sad. “Baby,” I tried not to laugh at him but he was so cute when he was vulnerable. “I’m not mad. I'm just not ready.” He lay back on the bed and I crawled over him to look into his eyes. “And besides, do you really want our first time to be Christmas night when we're both so bloated from Turkey we could both explode at any minute. Or, whether you admit it or not, you’re drunk.” He pouted then smiled. Yeah, he was still toasted. “I don’t want to be drunk for our first time.”

 

His eyes closed and I felt his hand come up to rub by back gently. I then let my eyes search his body. And I felt brave all of a sudden, maybe it was the wine hitting me after all.

 

“Maybe, I can help you out though.” My hand ran down his chest and he opened his eyes, blinking at the ceiling. I licked my lips, moving up so I could see into his eyes and he looked at me as my hand slid lower and lower and then lower, hitting his belt.

 

“You don’t have to.” He whispered.

 

I shrugged. “I’ve gotta meet him at some point right?” I felt weird saying that but Jensen didn’t bat an eyelash. Although his breathing did increase and his mouth fell open. “Let’s do this.” I whispered to myself, holding his eyes as I moved my hand lower. And then it was there and his eyes closed again. “No, baby look at me.” I kissed him softly before pulling away and his eyes opened.

 

I sat back, unbuckling his belt, sliding his zipper down. I shimmied the top of his pants down as far as I could and slid my hands back up to the top of his boxers.

 

I kept my eyes on his before sliding my hand under his boxers, touching him, feeling him in my hand. “Oh my god.” He shuddered under me, shifting his hips into my hand.

 

I leaned down, kissing him again and he shoved his tongue in my mouth, completely lost to me. I moved my hand around him once, twice, thrice and then he gasped into my mouth. I felt a warm liquid coat my hand and then his hand joined mine, holding my own against him as he shuddered underneath me and I pulled back to look at him.

 

He looked wide eyed at me and shut his eyes, a blush rising up his neck as he came back into his right mind. “Oh my god,” he slammed his hand over his forehead. “That’s so embarrassing. That was so fast.”

 

I slid my hand out of his boxers, looking at my sticky hand. “Ew.” I laughed and he got up, quickly handing me a towel. He sat down at the other end of the bed, watching me wipe him off me.

 

I threw the towel into the corner of his room and lay back against his pillows with a soft smile . “I promise I’ll last longer than that when we...”

 

I giggled a little and he turned to look at me. “Stop Jen. I’m not judging you. I know that if you touched me like that I wouldn’t last long either.”

 

He smiled a little at the mention of him touching me. “Yeah?”

 

I reached out for him and he stood, abandoning his pants and shirt before crawling up the bed towards me. We lay down side by side, his hand on my hip, my hand on his neck.

 

“How was that for you?” He asked shyly.

 

I smiled running my nose up the side of his. “How was diddling my boyfriend in his boxers?” We laughed together and he pulled me to him.   

 

“Yeah,” Kiss. “How was diddling your boyfriend?” Kiss. Kiss. “In his boxers?”

 

Kiss. “Empowering actually.” Kiss.

 

“How so?” Kiss kiss kiss.

 

“Because you were mine. In that moment you were at my mercy and I could've stopped at any second and you would have begged me to keep going.” Kiss. “Correct?”

 

Really super long kiss I felt in my toes. “I may have. Thank you by the way.”

 

“I love you, Jensen Ackles.” Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.

 

“I love you, Carmen Guilford.” One last kiss.

 

I rolled over, pulling his arms around me as I leaned over to switch the lamp off. “Just don’t think you’re gonna get a handy every time you get a little tipsy and frisky okay?”

 

“Yes, sweetheart.” He kissed the back of my neck and we fell into a blissful sleep.

 

_Today, Jensen and I shared our first Christmas together. And we shared something else as well. Wink._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:
> 
> so Ive outlined this entire story and its looking like its going to be around 40 chapters. im excited for whats to come for these two.
> 
> thanks to nightmare_raven for the comment.
> 
> thanks for reading. ^_^
> 
> -R


	14. I'd Rather Waste Our Time Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Tornado, The Future and the New Year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: Apologies for the delay on this, Ive been worried about posting this chapter because of the tornado but Ive had this planned out for awhile so I decided to go ahead with it.
> 
> My thoughts and prayers go out to any of you who have been affected or know someone affected by the weather currently giving the world hell. Love to you all. Stay safe and look after one another.
> 
> Please dont stone me.

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I'd Rather Waste Our Time Together**



We'd only been back at school for two weeks when I found myself in the last place I ever thought I’d be. Underneath the table crushed between Scott and the cupboards that lined the walls of my chemistry lab, shaking and scared not having a clue where Jensen was and if he was okay.

 

Our school had been invaded by mother nature. A tornado warning had come out of nowhere and next thing you know here I was on the floor. Scott, who always sat behind me got to me so fast, pulling me to the floor with him, shielding me with his body as I tucked myself up as small as I could.

 

My mind drifted back to New Years Eve. Where something like this happening was the last thing I would’ve imagined. It was my worst nightmare.

 

Jensen and I were driving to Breckinridge lake with Scott and Lydia, the music blasting, the heater on so high the windows were fogging. I had my hand on Jensens thigh as he drove, since he needed both his hands to change gears. Ever since the events of Christmas night in Jensen's bedroom there was very rarely a moment we weren’t touching one another.

 

I had yet to let him touch me the way I touched him but he didn’t push me, he would wait until I was comfortable. I knew it would be soon, my body wanted him and I knew how much he wanted to touch me like that.

 

Someone at the school had arranged for a bonfire and cookout at the lake so that’s where we were headed. I’m not sure how a party outdoors in the middle of winter was a great idea but I wasn’t going to judge. It had warmed up slightly since Christmas but not enough to warrant a cook out. I was relieved when Jensen mentioned there would be a bonfire to keep us all warm.

 

We got there and fought to get a park. Jensen had sworn not to drink as he still felt guilty about what had happened the last time we went to a party. I said I would drive if he wanted to indulge but he shook his head at me, sticking to his guns. We walked hand in hand to where the group had gathered and Jensen kept me by his side as he made his rounds, saying hi to everyone there by name. There really was a reason he was so popular. He was genuinely kind to everyone and everyone loved him.

 

We found ourselves in a circle by the fire, Scott had Jensen’s guitar and he and some others were trying to sing Bon Jovi.

 

I was sitting on a blanket with Jensen behind me, his arms and legs wrapped around me to keep me warm. “You should help them out, Jen.” I whispered to him, gesturing towards the boys who couldn’t sing.

 

He laughed in my ear. “I think they’re doing fine actually. Are you warm enough?”

 

I smiled. “I’m actually sweating I’m so warm but I don’t want you to let me go so I don’t care.”

 

He kissed the skin between my ear and cheek, “Never.”

 

I could’ve stayed there forever. “Do you have any resolutions Jen?”

 

He held me tighter, sighing into my ear. “To be a better person than I was this year I guess. Getting into community college would be helpful as well.”

 

I frowned, craning my head to look up at him. “Community college? Not TSU?”

 

He shrugged. “If you’re going to TSU I will too but I just assumed you'd want to stay around here?”

 

I turned fully in his arms to look up at him. “TSU? Why would I go to TSU?”

 

“They have a great musical theatre programme. If you wanted to go there I could study sports therapy and we would be together. We could get our own place off campus.”

 

I knew I looked shocked. Because there was no possible way I would be able to hide how I was feeling.

 

“You look terrified.” He laughed, pulling me back against him.

 

“You’ve got it all planned huh?” I wrapped my arms around him, resting my cheek against his chest. “I haven't really thought much about it.”

 

“We don’t have to go as soon as we graduate. There’s no rush.”

 

I nodded and disappeared inside my head, over thinking as usual. He had our future planned out. It was flattering that it involved me. But I didn’t even know if I wanted to go to college, nor did I know if I wanted to go into musical theatre. I lacked the confidence and I honestly doubted that I was even talented enough.

 

Jensen's hand began running down my hair and I looked up at him. “Are you still with me, Carm?” He whispered to me.

 

I sat up so I could see him better, but I was still wrapped in his arms. “More or less.”

 

His hand stroked my cheek. “Are you freaking out? You look like you are. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

 

“I know. I know you didn’t. It’s just...I haven't thought that far ahead. I’ve barely thought about graduation let alone what comes after. I do know I want to be with you though.”

 

He smiled at that, leaning forward to kiss me, his lips lingering momentarily against my own before he pulled away. “Well that’s good to know. You know I don’t care what we do right? I could stay here in Dallas, get an assistant coaching job at the school.”

 

I sat back in his arms, leaning against his chest again. “I could get a job at Maggie’s? I could probably get you a discount.” I laughed.

 

“Why don’t we take a year off? We can work, get some money behind us and then when we figure out what we want to study we can enrol.”

 

I frowned. “But we’d be a year behind everyone.”

 

“Well, we'd be a year behind together right?” He tilted my face back to look at him. “I don’t care what we do. As long as we do it together. I’d work at that school for the rest of my life if it meant I could live it with you.”

 

I pulled his arms tighter around me. “What about your acting? You were so enthusiastic about it. And you have something Jen, you could make a real go at it.”

 

“I know. But what if I have to move out of Dallas?”

 

I swallowed. I didn’t want to leave Dallas. It finally felt like home. “Where would you go?”

 

“I don’t know. I could end up anywhere. Acting is so unreliable. I could have work that pays well one week and nothing for a month. How can I support us on that? What if we have kids one day? I can’t leave you to parent alone.”

 

My eyes went wide again. “Okay, slow down, Romeo. We don’t have to worry about this right now, I can feel you tensing up. I want you to pursue your acting, it’s something you love. And in the mean time we can stay around home. I can apply to the community college and work at Maggie’s so we can save up and get our own place either here or around TSU. There’s no hurry Jensen, I’m not going anywhere. We have the rest of our lives to make plans.”

 

He held me to him tighter, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, kissing the side of my head. “I don’t deserve you.”

 

I laughed at that notion. “You do. You saved me Jen, I’m only here because of you.”

 

“You saved me too.”

 

I smiled at that as well. I guess in a way we had saved one another. He bought me out of the dark and into the light, breaking me out of my shell and out of hiding. And him knowing me had shown him who his true friends are. He saw a side of his friend group he'd never seen before. We were stronger together.

 

We counted down the hours to new years and eventually we had waited long enough. Someone had saved some fireworks from 4th of July and they were waiting for midnight to set them off. Jensen had lifted me onto the front of his truck, standing in front of me with his arms around my waist, waiting for the countdown.

 

With our eyes wide and our hearts open we counted down, screaming along with Scott and Lydia who were standing a few feet from us. And then the sky exploded in colour and we watched the colours dance.

 

“Happy New Year, Beautiful.” Jensen said, drawing my eyes away from the sky. “I’m so in love with you.”

 

I cupped his face in my hands, watching the glow of the fireworks illuminate his features. “Happy New Year, Jensen. And to many more.” I kissed him softly, whispering ‘I love you’ against his lips.

 

Bliss. He was my bliss. Even though the future was terrifying I knew without a doubt he was going to be a part of it. I couldn’t be away from him. Ever

 

Which is why when the tornado warning sounded two weeks later I was terrified. I had watched the sky darken throughout the day but never thought anything of it, it was Texas, weather changed. I was in chemistry class, going over my notes for a pop quiz when the siren went off. But it happened before  and we were normally okay.

 

But this time, we weren't. I remember looking out the window, squinting into the sky as I watched a tunnel in the distance, making its way from the sky and it dropped to ground somewhere by the grocery store and my mouth fell open.

 

“Everyone get down!!” The teacher had yelled, obviously seeing what I had. I was frozen. My mind went straight to Jensen. _If I’m in chemistry, that means Jensens in gym class. But the gym floors were waxed this morning. So that means they’re on the track, or they’re on the field. Oh my god..._

 

“Jensen's outside.” I had said out loud to myself when Scott was behind me, pushing me to the floor before I’d even thought about it.

 

He shielded me with his body as the noise outside got louder. I tucked my head down, praying for it to be over as the windows caved in and some of the equipment fell to the floor around us.

 

I hoped and prayed that Jensen was okay. Caleb was at home studying for his early finals so I didn’t have to worry about him. The tornado finally passed. I could hear someone crying in the classroom and Scott moved. I looked up at him as he looked around the room and then back down at me.

 

“Are you okay?” Scott asked, checking me for injuries. I turned, putting my hand onto a broken test tube, wincing at the sting. “Jensen?” Scott asked. “He’s outside?” I looked up into his eyes and I knew he could see the fear in them. “Come on.”

 

He helped me out from under the table and without a moments hesitation I was running towards the door.

 

“Carmen wait!” Mr. Holland, my teacher reached out for me as I ran past but I managed to wriggle free, heading to the door.  I heard Scott behind me, explaining that Jensen was outside and I knew he was behind me as I ran out the door and up the corridor.

 

I was sprinting. I’d never ran so fast in my life. “Please be okay, please be okay.” I turned the corner, seeing the field through the doors at the other end of the corridor. “Has anyone seen Jensen!?” I yelled at some of the students who had spilled out of their classrooms into the corridors. No-one had an answer and I kept running.

 

I pushed open the doors, stepping out into the elements. The field was empty. The track was empty. And then I saw movement under the bleachers. Scott grabbed my hand, guiding me as we ran down towards the movement.

 

“Jensen!?! Jensen!!” I was screaming. I was hysterical. I knew that. But I didn’t care.  We slowed down as the people came into view and I honestly could have collapsed when I spotted Jensen, helping his classmates out from under a concrete bunker that was there for this exact reason. I stopped against the fence, trying to catch my breath as I watched him. He was unscathed. He hugged a junior girl who was crying as he helped her out, no doubt whispering her reassuring words.

 

“He’s okay, Carm.” Scott said to me, rubbing my hand. I looked down at my other hand, seeing the blood. “You’re bleeding.”

 

I looked back over at Jensen as Scott took his bandana off his head, tying it around my hand. Jensen looked up and saw me then.

 

I pulled my hand from Scott and moved toward Jensen, “What are you doing out here?!” Jensen called, holding his arms out as I ran to him, “Carm? What are you doing out here!?” I threw myself against his chest, burying my face against his shirt. “I’m okay, Sweetheart. What are you doing out here? Scott?”

 

He wasn’t asking me anymore. “She ran out here as soon as it passed. I kept her safe, I protected her until I knew it was safe.” Scott answered.

 

I felt him nod against my head. “Thank you Scott. Go find your girl. I’ll see you soon.” Jensen rubbed his hand up and down my back and I heard Scott run off. _Lydia, I hope she’s okay._

 

Jensen pushed me back and I tilted my head to look up at him. “I was so scared. I thought you’d gotten hurt. I thought I lost you.”

 

He smiled down at me. “This isn’t my first tornado warning, baby. It won’t be your last either. This is Texas, it’s why we have drills in place and bunkers under the bleachers. I’m okay.”

 

I nodded, calming myself down as I took a deep breath. “It all happened so fast.” I bought my hand round and between us and Jensen's eyes went wide.

 

“You’re bleeding. Why didn’t you tell me? Come on. Coach, I’m taking my girl to the nurse! She’s hurt!” And before I knew it he had picked me up off the ground, carrying me bridal style up the path and towards the school building.

 

“I hurt my hand.” I said out loud to him.

 

“I know, baby. I’ll fix this.” He said and I looked up at his face as he tried to open the door with his foot.

 

“Jensen, I hurt my hand, not my legs. Put me down, I can walk.” I laughed and he rolled his eyes, placing me on the ground.

 

“You looked pale.” He said as he opened the door for me.

 

“I’m always pale.” I laughed, letting him take me to the nurses office. I sat in a chair beside a girl who had a cut on her arm and opposite a freshman with a sprained ankle. Thankfully everyone was okay. The only injuries were caused by the suddenness of the drill and how fast we had to react.

 

I could see Jensen through the glass of the infirmary where the nurse was bandaging my hand, the small glass shards now in a small steel bowl beside me. He was talking to the receptionist. Well, he was flirting with the receptionist. Harmlessly as she was old enough to be his grandmother.

 

The nurse bound my hand with gauze and a bandage and stepped away to clean up.

 

“You’re dating Jensen Ackles aren’t you? You’re Carmen Guilford?”  I looked at the girl next to me, she must’ve been about my age, I felt bad and altogether ignorant for not recognizing her.

 

I smiled at her, nodding the affirmative. “I am. Nice to meet you, what’s your name?”

 

She smiled, holding her hand out. “I’m Katie. I’ve gone to school with Jensen since elementary but I doubt he even knows my name.” She shrugged, pushing her glasses up her nose.

 

“I'm sure he knows who you are. Jensen is surprisingly observant.” I smiled at her, she seemed so friendly and unsure of herself I couldn’t help but warm to her. “Is your arm okay?”

 

She nodded looking at the bandage on her arm. “They always make us sit here for awhile after, make sure we don’t pass out or freak out or something. Your hand okay?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah. I put my hand on a broken test tube.” I laughed, shrugging at myself.

 

“Can I say something?” she asked and I nodded, urging her to continue with a wave of my hand. “I saw what happened between you and Kara in the hallway, I applaud you for standing up to her. I wish I’d have done that while she was still here. She’s a horrible person.”

 

I reached over, touching her arm gently. “Was she bullying you too?”

 

She smiled sadly. “Her and her friends. I thought her friends would stop when she left but they haven't.”

 

I felt so bad for her. The girls had left me alone, I never thought about who they would pick on if it wasn’t me. “That’s not okay, Katie. Those girls are vile. You don’t deserve that. Why don’t you sit with your friends? Surely they could help back you up.”

 

She laughed then, looking down at her lap. “I don’t have any friends, Carmen. I’m not popular like you.”

 

I snorted at that sentiment. “Katie, I am not popular and I am the first one to admit that. Jensen is popular. I don’t want to be popular.”

 

She rolled her eyes playfully. “Well then you’re popular by association. I mean, the entire school knows who you are. You’re dating Jensen Ackles and you handed Kara a taste of her own medicine when no-one else was brave enough.”

 

I shrugged. “I did what was right. I don’t want praise for doing the right thing.” I looked up as the door clicked open and Jensen entered, smiling at the nurse who batted her eyelashes back at him.

 

“Hi Sweetheart,” He smiled coming over to me, rubbing his hand down my head. “Are you okay?”

 

I nodded, holding my hurt hand up. “I got a bandage. I’m hungry.” I smiled up at him and he laughed then he noticed my new friend.

 

“Hey Katie, are you okay?” I smiled that he knew her name and looked at her. She was blushing from her forehead down to her chest and her mouth had fallen open in shock.

 

I nudged her arm and she shut her mouth. “Um....yeah, Jensen. Thank you.” She pushed her glasses up her nose again and looked down at her lap.

 

I looked up at Jensen and he was frowning at Katie. He looked at me, mouthing at me, ‘Is she okay?’

 

I shook my head. “Uh, do you know what the deal is for the rest of the day?” I asked him, assuming that was why he was talking to the receptionist.

 

“We're supposed to assemble in the cafeteria for roll call and then we can go home for the day.” He told me, rubbing the back of my neck soothingly.

 

I nodded, “What about rehearsal?”

 

“We have to come back at 3:30. They just want to make sure the auditorium is okay. Some of the sand bags fell from the ceiling and they’re being cautious.”

 

I stood up, turning to Katie. “Do you want to come to the cafeteria with us?” I asked her and she went wide eyed.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

I nodded at her, putting my arm around Jensen's waist. “Of course. You can sit with us.” I smiled at her, moving towards the door.

 

“Oh, thank you. Thank you both.” She followed behind us and Jensen whispered into my ear.

 

“She gonna be okay?” He asked.

 

I nodded, looking back to make sure she was still there. “She needs friends. I've  decided we're going to befriend her. Okay?”

 

He smiled, pulling me closer against his side. “No arguments here. I’ve always liked Katie.” He turned his head. “Katie, walk with us, not behind us.” He waved his arm at her to walk beside him and she smiled at us.

 

I think we had made a new friend.

 

We made it to the cafeteria and I immediately looked for Lydia. She was already walking towards us, her arms open for a hug. “There you guys are, I’ve been worried like crazy.” She hugged me to her, then she hugged Jensen.

 

 “We're okay. Just went and got my hand fixed.”  I said waving my bandage at her.

 

Scott stepped up to Jensen and they had a small moment talking to one another before they hugged. Cute.

 

I looked around for Katie and saw her standing against the wall. “Katie, get over here!”

 

She cautiously made her way over to our little group and that was how we made a new friend. My small but growing little family.

 

_Today I experienced my first Texan tornado scare. I never want to do that again._

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:
> 
> im scared.
> 
> -R


	15. Help, I Have Done It Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dress Rehearsal, Bed Time Antics and a Break Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Help, I Have Done It Again**



The scare followed everyone in the school around for the weeks following. Eyes were out windows and everyone seemed rattled and scared in general.

 

I was no exception. Adrenaline and nerves had gotten me through the first few days but Jensen noticed the jumpiness in me. Every loud noise and every change of weather had me on edge. He tried to be with me as much as he could but we had no classes together, it was near impossible.

 

But I was coping, mostly. To take my mind off it I had immersed myself in all things West Side Story. Opening night was only days away so it was a welcomed distraction. The closer the night came the more I found myself introverting. I could see it happening and I could see how much it worried Jensen.

 

He was watching me closely, and he was treating me with kid gloves. I knew he was doing it because he cared but it was suffocating.

 

I was going to snap, I knew it. I could feel it. And I was right. Two days from opening night and we had a full dress rehearsal. I was in the dressing room I was sharing with Kelly who was playing Anita. We were quiet, both touching up our makeup and I could see her watching me in the mirror. She could probably sense my nerves.

 

“Are you okay, Carmen?” She asked, turning in her seat to look at me.

 

I nodded without saying anything, continuing to pointlessly play with my hair. She got up, leaving the room and I let my arms fall to the table in front of me. I was losing it. My nerves were taking over. I hated being like this. I'd give my left arm to be normal. I rubbed my fingers against my temples, trying to remember how to breathe.

 

The air in the room changed and I felt him before I even looked up. “Did Kelly send for you?” I asked gently, lifting my head enough to see Jensen in the mirror.

 

He was leaning against Kelly’s station, watching me carefully, dressed in his blue shirt, pants and apron, his hair styled to the side. My Tony. Stage ready. “She was worried.”

 

I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt my brain. “I don’t need to be monitored I’m fine.” I got up, crossing the room to the hanger, grabbing my satin dressing gown I was meant to wear for my first scene at the dress shop.

 

Jensen came over, trying to grab the garment from my hands but I snatched it back, pulling it hard against my chest.

 

“I can dress myself thank you.” He flinched at my words, trying to hide his hurt but I could see it in his body language, the way his shoulders fell in defeat.

 

“I know you’re stressed, Carmen. I’m just trying to help.” Jensen stepped back, putting his hands into his pockets like if he didn’t he would have reached out for me. A part of me wanted him to reach out for me. But that side of me was missing.

 

I put my dressing gown on, tying it shut before moving back to my station, sitting down again. I could feel my hands shaking and I clasped them together on the hard surface in front of me. I needed to get a handle on my nerves or I wouldn’t even make it onto the stage.

 

“Baby...” He sighed behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him, shaking his hands off me and he stepped back, holding his hands up. “...hey. Calm down.”

 

I stood up, pushing past him, leaving the room, heading towards the toilets.

 

“Where are you going?” Jensen was following me again and I turned on him. He almost ran into me that’s how quickly I stopped.

 

“Stop. Following me.” I told him sternly, seeing the hurt in his eyes. “You’re crowding me and I can’t breathe. I’m going to the bathroom. Go away.” I shooed him away with my hands and turned back, continuing my walk to the bathroom.

 

I did my business and washed my hands, using a hand towel to dry my forehead. I looked at myself in the mirror, feeling the guilt in my stomach. I knew I needed to apologize to Jensen, he was only trying to help. But I needed to concentrate on the show. In two days I would have to stand up in front of an auditorium full of people and do this for real. No cuts, no redo’s. If I messed up or froze on that stage on opening night, I knew without a doubt Sarah would be biting at my heels to take my place.

 

And I doubted Ms. Leslie would send her on with Jensen so that would mean he would miss out on being Tony too. It all fell on my shoulders.

 

I heard the music coming from the stage and realized we had started. I came out of the bathroom and hesitantly made my way to the green room. Jensen was already in there, sat against the far wall, leaning forward on his knees, his leg bouncing nervously. He was staring at a spot on the floor. He looked sad.

 

I sat across the room from him, needing space to clear my head. He glanced up at the movement, his eyes meeting mine fleetingly before dropping back to the ground. I swallowed down my guilt and ran my lines over in my head, my hands clasped in my lap.

 

 “Jensen, you’re up.” I heard one of the stage hands say and I looked up. Jensen stood, his eyes meeting mine before he let out a breath and walked to the stage.

 

Kelly came in, sitting beside me.

 

“Sorry if I overstepped a line sending in Jensen. I’ve just noticed he usually calms you.” Kelly apologized and I waved her off.

 

“It's okay. It’s me. I’m just...I'm okay. Thank you for caring.” I gave her a half hearted smile and got up, making my way side of stage. I watched from the wings as Jensen made his way onto stage, his first scene with Matt who was playing Riff.

 

I watched him own the stage, marking it as his. He was amazing. But there was still sadness in his eyes, even when he was singing about good things to come and I knew I was the one that put it there.

 

The stage darkened and I moved out of the way while they changed the set. Jensen had gone off the other side from where I entered. I walked onto the stage in darkness, feeling a lump in my throat the size of Texas. I wanted to be anywhere else but on that stage.

 

I felt Kelly move past me, getting into position and I said a final prayer before the lights came up.

 

And I froze.

 

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and I felt my throat constrict. My whole body was vibrating. “Cut the lights!” I heard Jensen yell and seconds later the stage was in darkness.

 

I felt arms wrap around me from behind and a voice by my ear.

 

“Carmen. You can do this.” Jensen. “I know you’re scared. I know you're scared, Sweetheart. But you can do this. Don’t think about who’s watching. Sing for me. Do this for me.” _Jensen, I'd do anything for you._

I shut my eyes, gathering my wits about me. “I love you.” I whispered back to him. He kissed the side of my neck.

 

“I love you too.” One last kiss and he let me go, moving off stage. “She's ready Ms Leslie.” I heard him say. One more breathe and the lights came back on. And I found my strength. _Sing for him_.

 

I made it through the rest of rehearsal. I grabbed a tissue Kelly was holding out for me, coming down from the emotions of seeing my Tony, die again on stage.

 

“You did great. Seriously. You had me worried at the beginning though, I thought we’d lost you.” Kelly smiled, walking with me back to our dressing room.

 

“I thought I’d lost me too.” I smiled. I sat down at my station, looking at my reflection as I wiped my smudged make up off my face. “I’ll never get used to seeing him die on stage.”

 

“Ms. Leslie lucked out with you two. Your chemistry on stage is indescribable. Seriously, it’s easy to believe Tony and Maria fell in love at first sight with you guys playing them.”

 

I smiled at her in my mirror. “Thank you for saying that. You’re amazing as Anita as well.”

 

She shrugged. “Not like you, Carmen. Do what you did tonight on Tuesday and we've got this in the bag.” She smiled, getting up, leaving the room.

 

I began to wipe off my make up and I changed out of my costume and into a comfy pair of jeans and a light wool jumper. I laced my shoes up and someone cleared there throat from the door.

 

I looked up, seeing Jensen leaning against the doorframe, dressed effortlessly in jeans and a long sleeved shirt, his coat thrown over his shoulder.

 

“Hi.” I smiled sadly at him.

 

“Hi.” He replied. He stepped into the room, taking a seat at Kelly’s station. “You were amazing out there. I’ve never seen you give it that much. Not even in rehearsals.”

 

 “I had to. Ms Leslie might have thought I wasn’t up for it and you could have lost your chance at being Tony. I had to suck it up.”

 

Jensen frowned at me. “You think for a second anyone out there would have been watching me when you’re on that stage? You have no idea how amazing you are. At the end there, where I’m dying. I hated that. You looked so upset I wanted to keep my eyes open so you knew I was okay, so you’d stop crying.”

 

“I was acting.” I played it off like it was no big deal but he was right, I had gone somewhere else. I guess the emotions of the last few weeks had finally come to a head and I used the stage to vent.

 

“You were distraught, Carm. I’ve never seen you like that.” He sounded genuinely concerned and I stood, looking over at him before picking up my bag.

 

“I’m tired. Can we go?”

 

He sighed loudly and nodded, standing. He held his hand out for me and I took it without even thinking. He led me out of the dressing room. We said goodbye to everyone on our way out and headed towards the truck.

 

“Will you stay at mine tonight?” I asked him as I buckled myself in.

 

He paused a moment because I normally didn’t ask and we usually stayed at his house. “Of course. I’m having dinner with my family but I’ll come over after. Just keep your balcony unlocked if your family goes to bed.”

 

I gave him a kiss when he dropped me off and headed into the house. I was literally so drained I couldn't  even be bothered with pleasantries. I headed up to my room, telling my parents I wasn’t hungry and poured myself into a hot bath instead. I changed into a pair of soft sleep shorts and a tank top and brushed my hair before heading to the balcony door.

 

I unlocked it, shut my lamp off and put myself to bed. I’m fairly certain I may have been asleep before my head hit the pillow. I woke to the feeling of a body sliding into the bed beside me, tight against my own in my single bed. We normally stayed at Jensen's because he had a double. I turned towards him, feeling his skin under my hands as I felt up his side and around his strong shoulders, pulling his body against mine.

 

“You must have been tired. You didn’t even flinch when I tripped on your backpack.” Jensen whispered, pressing his lips to my neck.

 

“I’m sorry I’ve been so moody. Between the musical and the tornado I’ve just felt so tense all the time. I’ve taken it out on you and you don’t deserve it.” I ran my hand over his cheek, pulling his face to mine so I could kiss him, so I could make him feel how sorry I was. He deepened the kiss with his tongue, pulling my leg up over his hip so his hardness was pressed against me. It never ceased to amaze me how quickly his body responded to me. With just a kiss he was hard as a rock.

 

He moved me onto my back, nestling himself between my legs and I pulled him harder against my middle, my hands pressed against his backside. Pushing. Pulling.

 

I gasped against his lips as he grinded against me and I pulled away, trying to catch my breath.

 

“Can I try something Carmen?” He whispered into my neck by my ear. “I’ll stop if you say so. I just want to make you feel good.”

 

I felt my body tense and he moved so he was looking into my eyes. “What...what if it hurts?” I knew what he wanted to do.

 

“I won’t hurt you. I'd never hurt you. I want to help you out. Like you helped me. Not sex, Carmen. I just want to touch you.”

 

I calmed slightly at that news. A sure sign I still wasn’t ready to go all the way. I looked into his eyes and saw the darkened arousal in them and I knew I’d give him anything. I nodded hesitantly and he kissed me, his mouth hot and warm against my own as he devoured my lips with his.

 

His tongue fought with my own, and his hand moved between us, resting on my collarbone before sliding lower. Lower. He waited a beat before placing it against my breast and I shuddered under his touch, feeling my body react almost immediately. He moaned into my mouth as he moved his hand so his thumb was rubbing against my quickly hardening nipple.

 

I moved away from his mouth, my head falling back as I gasped for breath. He took that opportunity to move his head down, and I only knew that because within a few short seconds the mouth that was on mine was now suckling against my breast, his tongue running over my nipple like he’d never do it again.

 

I let my hand run into his hair as I watched him watch me with his mouth attached to my bare skin. I pushed my chest up toward his face and he moaned, quickly moving to my other breast, giving it the same attention as he moved his hips against me.

 

“Oh my god, Jensen...” I moaned into the darkness of my room. He moaned in response, using his free hand to pull my leg up around his waist so he was rubbing against my centre at a different angle, awakening something in me.

 

My eyes flew open and I caught his eyes, my mouth falling open as he moved harder against me, his hardened length rubbing against my most sensitive area through our clothes in the most delicious way I felt like I may never breathe again.

 

“Jen...I can't....”

 

“You can.” He whispered against my nipple, his hot breath fanning over the wetness his mouth had left. “Let go. Give into me.” He moved up my body, kissing my lips as his naked chest pressed against my own and I felt my mind explode as he rocked his body against me. My body tensed, wound tighter than it ever had been and then it was like a thousand fireworks all went off at the same time. “Yes baby, give into me.” He whispered, catching my gasps and I love you’s with his mouth as he rocked me through my peak and down the other side.

 

He groaned and gasped into my neck and I knew he had found his pleasure as well.

 

We lay together, both of us coming down from our euphoria. He pressed his forehead against mine as we both clung to one another trying to breathe. “You’re so beautiful.” He said sweetly, moving us so we were on our side’s facing one another.

 

“I feel so relaxed.” I giggled, pressing my face into his neck.

 

“That was the aim, sweetheart. I wanted to do that for you, to make you feel good. I only ever want to make you feel good baby. I'd never hurt you.”

 

“I know, Jen. I’m sorry I’ve been such a  mess. You're the best thing I have in my life.”

 

“You are my life, Carmen. You don’t have to apologize to me.”

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

The Tuesday came. Opening night. But we were also met by another surprise. Jensen and I had walked into the school hand in hand as we did every morning but this time we were met with an excitement in the air. Everyone was buzzing. It was then I noticed a banner hanging in the middle of the corridor.

 

Jensen stopped us as we both looked up and read it. I read out loud. “Valentine’s Day Sadie Hawkins Dance. Wednesday February 14th in the school Gym. Tickets available now. Dress in red.” I looked up at Jensen with a furrowed brow to find him already smirking and I felt like messing with him a bit. “What’s a Sadie Hawkins Dance? Who’s she?”

 

 He looked shocked by my question but opened his mouth to answer. “It’s a dance where girls ask the guys. Normally they have them around November but they must be using it as a warm up for prom this year.”

 

“Oh,” I looked back up at the sign, nodding my understanding. “So I’m supposed to ask the guy then?”

 

“The guy?” He asked, sounding mildly offended.

 

“Yeah. The guy I want to go to the dance with.” I replied like it was obvious who I meant.

 

“Yes it means you have to ask ‘the guy’.” I could practically hear his eyes roll in his head and I bit back a giggle.

 

“Oh, good to know.” I smiled up at him, letting his hand go as I moved toward my locker. I opened it, putting my bag inside. Jensen was there in record time, pressing his back to the locker beside me, his eyes searching my face. But I kept my face neutral as I grabbed the books I needed and shut it. I looked at him, seeing the expectant look on his face. “Did you need something?”

 

I knew he had caught on to what I was doing when his eyes narrowed slightly, a playful smirk coming to his face. “Fine. Don’t ask me. I’m sure half the girl's in this school will ask me by lunch.”

 

I smiled at him, reaching up to touch his cheek. “That’s the spirit baby. Someone will ask you.” I patted his cheek and moved past him, making my way to homeroom.

 

Lunch time came around and Katie caught up with me on my way to the cafeteria. “What is this I heard that Jensen still hasn’t got a date to the Sadie Hawkins dance?” She asked.

 

“No one has asked him? That’s shocking.” I faked my shock as we entered the cafeteria and I felt a hundred eyes on me.

 

Katie stepped closer to me since the eyes were on us. “You haven’t asked him?”

 

I shrugged. “I will. I’m just having a bit of fun.”

 

She smiled, shaking her head at me. “You’re playing with fire, Carmen. There’s girls are practically holding one another back to ask him. At this school, if you haven’t asked your own boyfriend within 24 hours he's free game to anyone else.”

 

“Seems unfair. Maybe I don’t want to go to the dance.” A few girls in the line in front of us turned with wide eyes, looking like they’d just won the lottery. “What? Turn around.” I snapped at them and they did so.

 

“Just ask him, Carmen. You know you’re going to anyway.” Katie laughed once we got our food and were on our way to our window ledge. She sat with me now.

 

He still wasn’t in the cafeteria. I climbed up onto the ledge with Katie, both of us sitting with our legs crossed and our food in front of us.

 

We noticed he entered because he wasn’t his cheery happy self. He was tense and his shoulders were slumped. I knew why, it was because of me.

 

I swallowed the guilt down as I watched him grab his food and stomp his way over to the table nearest to us where he always sat. He didn’t even look at me. “Oops.” I said to Katie who was already looking at me.

 

“Oops is an understatement. Go. Make it right.”

 

I slid off the ledge, making my way over to the table and to Jensen. I could feel the curious eyes on me. I sat down opposite him. He didn’t even look up, he just kept ripping his pizza into smaller pieces. “Jensen?”

 

He didn’t even flinch. _Wow, he was really angry_.

 

“I need to ask you something.” I said, leaning toward him. Still nothing. “Jensen.” He didn’t even bat an eyelid. I reached over, grabbing his wrist to still his movement's. “Jensen?”

 

His eyes snapped up to mine then. “What? What do you want?” _Ok, he was really angry_. He was never terse with me.

 

I swallowed the hurt down, knowing how I could make this better. “I wanted to ask if you wanted to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?”

 

He narrowed his eyes at me and I wanted to disappear. “I don’t want to go with you.” He responded.

 

I felt myself blush. I wasn’t expecting that. But I deserved it. “You don’t want to go to the dance with me?”

 

He pursed his lips and shook his head. “No.” _Ouch_.

 

I bit back tears and withdrew my hand. I clasped my hands together on my lap under the table and nodded. “Are we done altogether then?” I asked although I didn’t want to know the answer. He looked away for a moment and then met my eyes again.

 

“You’re the one calling the shots, Sweetheart. You tell me?” He had used my term of endearment, but it wasn’t endearing the way he said it. It was cold, and sarcastic.

 

“Fine. We’re done then.” I got up, seeing him flinch for the first time since I sat down. “Go with whoever you want, I don’t care.” I crossed the space to the window ledge, grabbing my books before moving behind him. “And don’t come to my balcony again.” I said into his ear and I looked up at the group of girls at the table next to us who were all staring at us and our exchange. “Here you go girls, you can have him.”

 

I moved to leave when I felt his hand on my wrist. “You’re dumping me? Over a dance? Is that how this goes? Say it.”

 

I pulled my wrist from his grip and I glared up into hurt green eyes. “Yes. Jensen Ackles, you're dumped. And you can go back to being the hottest single guy in school like you’ve wanted this entire time. Have all the girls fall all over themselves to be with you and I’ll go back to being the invisible freak. Just like you always wanted. I’ll see you on stage.” I turned, not letting him answer me back as I ran from the cafeteria. I didn’t stop until I made it to the nearest girls bathroom. I quickly locked myself inside a cubicle, dropped my books to the floor and sat on the toilet, letting the tears free.

 

_What the heck just happened? How had it all gone so bad so quickly? Were we broken up? Were we over?_

 

I heard the door open and I wiped my eyes, listening to them talk.

 

“I cannot believe she just dumped him in front of the whole school, like talk about social suicide.”

 

“She is such a freak. Why she didn’t just ask him in the first place is just ridiculous, she didn’t deserve him anyway.”

 

“Oh my god, he already had 3 offers before he even left the cafeteria.”

 

“Ew, did he run after her?”

 

“I’m so going to buy tickets to the show tonight if there’s any left. The tension on that stage is going to be electric. It’s going to be a train wreck.”

 

The girls left the bathroom in a loud flurry of laughter at my expense and I felt sick to my stomach.

 

I couldn't even tell who the voices belonged to but it was obvious who they were talking about. I unlocked the cubicle picking up my books. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped my eyes. I checked the hallway before leaving the bathroom, not wanting to see anyone. I just wanted to go home.

 

I made my way to my locker to grab my bag and was stopped in my tracks. Jensen was at my locker already, his bag on his back, his forehead resting against the metal. His fist was clenched at his side and he was shaking visibly.

 

He was crying. He was crying because of me. I stepped out and moved toward him.

 

“Jensen?” He pushed himself away from my locker when he heard my voice, angrily wiping at his face without looking at me. “I’m sorry, Jen. I’m sorry. This all just got out of hand. It was just a joke at first, I was going to ask you-“

 

“A joke!?” He interrupted me. “This was a joke to you?”

 

“I was going to ask you to the dance, Jensen.”

 

He scoffed at me, crossing the space towards me slowly. “This isn’t about the stupid dance, Carmen. You just dumped be in the middle of the cafeteria. In front of the whole school.  You just broke up with me in front of everybody.”

 

“I didn’t mean it.”

 

He shook his head at me. “No. You did. I upset you. I didn’t treat you with kid gloves and beg you to take me back. You made that decision on your own. Because I wasn’t as sweet as a tooth ache with you, you got upset. And you dumped me.”

 

“I didn’t mean-“

 

“No, you did. You act like the victim all the time, you say you’re weak and that you don’t know what you’re doing. And I believed you. Because I thought you needed me. That you needed me by your side to make you strong. But you don't. And you just proved that. You don’t need me.”

 

I let a tear fall from my eye, seeing how much I had hurt him, and how little he thought of me now. “I’ll always need you.” I said softly.

 

“The girl who couldn’t sing in front of anyone. The girl who hid behind her hair and couldn’t talk to strangers. The girl who was scared of her own shadow. I can’t see her anymore.”

 

“I changed, I got better. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

 

“You aren’t the girl I fell for. My Carmen would not have dumped me in front of the whole school.”

 

“The girl you fell in love with isn’t me!” I snapped at him and he stopped, staring me down. “I’m not that weak girl you met all those months ago. I’m not a child; so don’t treat me like one. I’m not afraid to argue with you Jensen. I’m not afraid to fight you.”

 

“Don’t worry. You won’t have to do that anymore.” He turned to walk away and I surged forward, dropping my books as I wrapped my arms around him from behind.

 

 “I know I’m messed up. I know I’m overly emotional and I bite back when I’m hurt but I’m not letting you go. Please don’t let me go too.”

 

I felt him shake in my arms, and I held him to me tighter. But I felt my resolve crack when he untangled my arms from around him, turning to face me. He held my cheek in his hand for a second then he shook his head. “I can't. You’re not her. I can't.”

 

“Jensen?” I asked reaching for him but he was already moving away from me. “Jensen? No!”

 

He didn’t answer. He left the school and I didn’t see him until I got to the school to get ready for the musical.

 

How was I supposed to go on stage with him now?

 

_Today, I broke Jensens heart again. I never should have let it happen in the first place._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: 
> 
> ITS ALL A PART OF THE PLAN  
> TRUST ME
> 
> Thanks to traceyaudette, Kiss Orsolya and SquirrelNotSam for the comments.
> 
> xxx  
> -R


	16. Under Pressure Precious Things Can Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening night blues, and unexpected proposals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **Under Pressure Precious Things Can Break**



He couldn’t even look at me. I saw him four times before the show started and he didn’t even look at me once. Now everyone in the cast and crew was treating me like I was going to freak out at any moment. Ms. Leslie came to my dressing room just after I had arrived to make sure I was still sane enough to go on stage.

 

I had to. If I dropped out now Jensen would lose his chance and then he’d hate me even more than he does already. How had this even happened? I was stupid and selfish. I was just trying to be playful, have a little fun with him. Maybe I misread the situation, thinking it was something it clearly wasn’t. Maybe we just don’t have that kind of relationship. Maybe we can’t be playful. Maybe we're too dependent on one another that the banter most couples have is too raw for us to be taken lightly.

 

I was stage ready, sitting at my station in my dressing room when Kelly came in. “Are you okay, Carmen?” She asked. I knew she had heard what happened. She may have even been in the cafeteria when it happened.

 

“I’m fine.” I replied, turning towards her. “Little nervous I guess.”

 

She nodded, putting on her final piece of costume. “Come on, Ms. Leslie wants to have a meeting with everyone in the green room.”

 

“Oh gees.” I got up, smoothing out my dress and dressing gown, following Kelly through the halls to the green room. God, everyone was so tense. Everyone was staring at me but no-one would look me in the eye.

 

We entered the green room and I found a space against the wall in the corner, waiting for everyone to get situated. I noticed Jensen enter with Matt and they stood on the opposite side of the room.

 

Ms. Leslie came in and quieted everyone, even though it was already pretty silent. “Everybody, come in together. Is everyone here? Okay. So it’s opening night. All of the weeks of practice have come to this. I know that things are tense,” She looked at Jensen then looked over at me and I shifted my hair around me, trying to disappear. “But as they say in show business the show must go on. So get out there, give it your all, work together and have fun. Consider this your 5 minute call! Jets and Sharks to the wings please!”

 

I turned to leave when Ms. Leslie called me.

 

“Carmen, Jensen, can I please talk to you both before we start.” I looked over at Jensen who looked so annoyed I had to look away. I made my way over to her, trying not to look at Jensen as he came and stood beside me. “I just want to make sure that regardless of what happened between you both today that you can both go out there and be professional?”

 

“Yes Ms. Leslie.” We both said in unison.

 

“Whatever happened you both need to look like you’re in love okay?”

 

“Yes Ms. Leslie.” I looked away, wanting to leave the room already.

 

“Alright, go and get ready, Carmen. Jensen, you’re on first.” I took that as my cue to leave and I headed back to my dressing room.

 

“This day is the worst.” I blurted out making Kelly jump as I entered. “I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this.”

 

 She seemed shocked at my words and she turned to face me as I paced back and forth in the middle of the room. “You can totally do this. You’re an actress, Carmen. Just act like you’re okay.”

 

“This is so out of hand. I never wanted this. I have to keep it together. Just keep it together.” I talked myself down from my freak out, wanting nothing more than to change out of my stupid costume and surrender.

 

The show started and I heard the familiar music playing through the halls. “Anita and Maria to the wings please, Anita and Maria to the wings.” I heard over the speakers and I knew Jensen and Matt were on stage.

 

I got up, making sure I had everything I needed and followed Kelly out the door and to the green room. I followed her through the wings and side of stage, just in time to see the back of Jensen as he left the stage. The stage went dark as the crowd applauded loudly and I remembered there was an audience today. I’d forgotten that fact, my brain was so full of Jensen.

 

“Just breathe.” I heard Kelly whisper into the darkness and the lights were up. I took half a second to freak out, and went straight into it. Kelly and I left the stage after our scene, my hand in Philips who was playing Chino. We crossed over the back of the stage, passing Jensen and Matt as we went. I gripped Phillip’s hand tighter without thinking and he looked back at me, pulling me to walk in front of him as we moved past them in the small space backstage. We went around to where we would enter and waited for the dancing to start. I loved the dance scene, all the colors and dancing, it was like a battle.

 

I entered side of stage with Phillip, Kelly and Matt and watched the scene play out from the sidelines. I played my part as they danced, feeling the nerves rise in me, knowing I would see Jensen soon.

 

The music faded and I looked up, knowing where he would be. And there he was, my Tony. I heard the chatter amongst the crowd and a few people hollered as we made our way across the stage towards one another.

 

We did our dance and I waited for him to speak. We played the scene out just as we had rehearsed, neither one of us missing a beat.

 

“You’re not making a joke?” Jensen asked and my stomach flipped even though it was obviously in the script.

 

“I have not yet learned how to joke that way. I think now I never will.” I returned, seeing the slightest break in his character. And I knew what was coming next. We moved toward one another slowly, my eyes falling from his to his lips and as the whistle sounded, we kissed. And just as soon as it happened it was over and I was being pulled away.

 

I carried out the rest of the scene in a daze, finally being dragged off stage by Phillip, my eyes still on Jensen who was also looking at me.

 

Phillip let me go and I moved against the wall, trying to catch my breathe.

 

“You did great, Carmen.” Phillip said to me, leaving me in the wings as Jensen began to sing about Maria. Everyone filed off stage and I moved to where I could see Jensen. He was giving it everything. And he sounded amazing. At one point he turned towards where I was standing. And I saw his eyebrow lift when he noticed me standing there. He continued to sing, breaking eye contact with me when he had to move across the stage.

 

I felt a tear escape as I watched him. This man. This beautiful man. I had hurt him so badly.

 

“Carmen, we need you!” Someone whispered in my ear and I realized I wasn’t in place. I moved quickly through the wings and behind the stage to where I should be. I passed through the back as Jensen came off and I literally ran into him.

 

“I’m sorry.” I said to him as Kelly came to my side, pulling me onto the stage. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I’ve heard that before.” He responded and I felt all the air leave me. He held my eyes before leaving, and I went onto the stage. It wasn’t hard playing upset. I was upset.

 

I did my scene and left the stage again, hearing Kelly begin to sing _America_.

 

I headed back to the green room, taking the night gown from a stage hand I needed for my next scene with Jensen. I pulled it on over my dress, looking in the mirror that was there. Jensen appeared behind me, his eyes looking into mine.

 

“You’re doing great out there.” I said to him when he didn’t say anything. He stepped forward, his finger reaching up to run down my neck and I shut my eyes. “Jensen…” I swallowed.

 

“Can you do this number without crying?”  He whispered into my ear. I met his eyes again and I clasped my hands in front of me. He looked down at my fingers, closing his eyes in what I took as agony. He reached around me, pressing against my back, his hand coming to wrap around my wrist.

 

I let my hand fall as he rubbed my wrist soothingly. He opened his eyes, meeting mine. “I’m sorry, Jensen.”

 

He nodded, shrugging at me. “I know you are. I don’t know if it changes anything though.”

 

“I’m still in love with you. Does that change anything?”

 

“Carmen, don’t, not now.” He moved to head back to the wings and I grabbed his hand.

 

“Yes now. How can we go out there and sing this song about forever when you can barely look at me. I love you, Jensen. Please?”

 

“Please what?” He towered over me, his hand pulling away from mine to rest on my hip. “I can’t do this with you now, Carm.”

 

“I love you. Just tell me you still love me.”

 

“We'll talk after. We have to go to the stage now.” He was torn between staying here with me and heading to the stage, I could sense it in his body language and the way his eyes were darting away from mine.

 

“After? You swear?” I felt hope rise in me.

 

He nodded, reaching up to rub my cheek. “Where is the girl who would never have been so persistent? Where is she now huh? What happened to her?”

 

“She's in love with you. And losing you is too higher cost for not being brave enough to ask for you back.”

 

He smiled sadly and let me go. “We have to go.” He held his hand out to me and I took it, letting him lead me towards the stage. We went on and sung the song better than we ever had.

 

Every kiss on stage I kissed him like I never would again. Every touch, every word. I poured my heart into it, to show him I would fight. When the final scene came, where Tony met his demise I screamed so loud you could hear a pin drop from the silence that followed. I was on his chest, shaking against his body as I cried. Big heavy tears and sobs escaped me. His head was tilted towards me as I sat up. He was watching me as I cried.

 

When I moved to cradle him in my arms he shut his eyes again. He was letting me know he was okay. I finished the scene, watching the boys carry his body off stage.

 

And I followed slowly as the music began to fade and the musical finished. I took of my veil, handing it to a stage hand in exchange for a tissue. I wiped my eyes and face, checking in a mirror as the audience burst into applause. I felt someone turn me, lifting me into a hug. It was Jensen.

 

I wrapped my arms around him, feeling the tears again. “You’re amazing. You’re so beautiful, Carm. That was amazing.” He said into the skin of my neck.

 

I moved back, running my fingers down his face. “I love you.” I said to him as the rest of the cast moved to take their curtain calls in order.

 

“I know you do.” He replied. He set me down. “You need to take off your dress.” He said to me quickly. I looked down at my red dress, my fingers fumbling to pull it off. I felt his hands join me as he helped me get back into my white dress.

 

Jensen grabbed his jacket off a stage hand, pulling it on so we were in the same outfits we met on stage in.

 

“I’ll see you center stage.” He smiled and quickly took off to make it to the other side on time. I headed up the wings to side of stage, waiting behind Kelly.

 

“You were amazing out there.” I hugged her from behind and she was wiping tears from her eyes.

 

“Me? You. You had the whole audience in tears.” She replied, turning to hug me.

 

Kelly went out. The audience were applauding loudly and I clapped for her as well. I saw Jensen waiting side of stage opposite me.

 

The music changed and the stage hand behind me pushed me to go out. Jensen moved as well and I walked out into the light. The house lights were on as well and my mouth fell open at the size of the crowd. There wasn’t an empty seat anywhere and everyone was on their feet.

 

I looked up at Jensen who was laughing as well. He held his hand out to me and I took it when we met center stage.

 

“Oh my god, Carm.” He laughed, pulling me to his side as the audience only grew louder.

 

I could feel myself blushing so I hid my face against Jensens chest. I looked up at him from under my lashes, my smile wide and in awe.

 

He was already looking down at me. “I love you, Carmen.” He said to me and I felt my insides explode. I reached up without thinking, pulling his face down to mine and he met me halfway. He kissed me deeply and I wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him lift me off the ground. The crowd was deafening.

 

He let me down and I laughed as he moved us so he was holding my hand as he guided me forward to take a bow.

 

I took my bow, turning to Jensen who stepped forward taking his bow as well.

 

We ran off stage after two group bows and his hand was still in mine. He led me to the green room, laughing the whole way and immediately lifted me into a hug.  We were both laughing and crying. We were so happy that opening night was over and we had left so much of us on the stage. We took the congratulations from our fellow cast and crew, hugging everyone we could. Jensen barely let me go.

 

When the adrenaline died off I let his hand go, needing to escape the energy for a few moments . “Where are you going?” Jensen asked, his eyes panicked.

 

“To shower and change. I’ll see you soon. I’ll come and find you.” I told him, leaning up to kiss his cheek. He nodded at me and I went back to my dressing room in a state of euphoria. Kelly was already showered, removing her make up.

 

I showered and changed also and sorted out my hair and makeup, looking more like myself now that I wasn’t so dolled up.  Kelly left and I grabbed my bag, shutting our dressing room behind me. I looked around for Jensen, eventually finding him in he and Matt’s dressing room. Matt had already left and Jensen was sitting at his station staring blankly at his reflection.

 

“Hey you.” I smiled, leaning against the door frame. He looked over at me, a tired but happy smile on his face. “Can you give me a ride home?”

 

He shook his head, standing up to grab his bag. “You’re staying at mine. I’m not letting you out of my sight and we need to talk.” He shut the light off, putting his arm around me as we moved to leave. Ms. Leslie bumped into us in the hallway, grinning at our closeness.

 

“It’s good to see you kids together. I was worried for a bit there.” She said, reaching out to give us both hugs. “You were both amazing. Not a dry eye in the house. Now get home you two. Plenty of sleep and rest your voices please, we have 3 more shows to go.”

 

And just as quick as she appeared she was gone.

 

  * * * * * * * * *



 

Jensen shut his bedroom door behind us. He hadn’t told his parents what had happened at school that day but Makenzie must have heard because they all seemed surprised to see me.

 

I put my bag down, shedding my jacket, hanging it up on the back of his door.

 

I felt him move up behind me as I did so and his fingers came up to push my hair over my shoulder.

 

I braced my hands against his door as his body pressed me forward. I felt him, hard against my behind, his lips pressing gentle kisses to the skin under my ear.

 

“Jensen…” I whispered. “We need to talk.”

 

He groaned, reaching a hand around my waist, running up and over my right breast. The suddenness of his touch sent my body jolting back against him with a gasp. “Don’t want to talk. Need to feel you.”

 

He was distracting. And he was hard to fight when he was like this. I turned, placing my back against the door as he came forward, pressing me against it with his body. He grabbed my arms, holding them above my head as he ducked down to suck my neck.

 

He pushed his hips against me and I lifted my leg, wrapping it around his waist, giving him what he needed.

 

“I love you, Jen.” I whispered to him. And then I had an idea. I leant forward so my lips were by his ear. “Take me, Jensen.”

 

His movements stilled and he let my hands go but he didn’t lift his head. We were silent. The only sounds in the room were of our combined heavy breathing.

 

When he didn’t reply I repeated myself. “Take me, Jensen. I love you. Take me.”

 

He lifted his head this time looking me dead in the eye. But every sign of arousal was gone. He looked angry again. “You want me to take you?”

 

I nodded. “I want you to be my first.” I said, a slight quiver in my voice not escaping my notice.

 

He shut his eyes like he was in pain then pushed himself away from me, bracing himself against the door. “You honestly think that’s what I want from you? That I want our first time to be when we're both upset, and tired. The same day you broke up with me? Up against my bedroom door?” Yeah, he was mad.

 

“I just want you to know how much I love you.”

 

He shook his head at me, moving to sit on his bed. He put his forehead in his hand and let out a heavy sigh. “I can’t keep up with you, Carm. Your behavior is erratic, and your moods change so quickly. I can’t keep up. Which Carmen will I see today? I never know.”

 

I frowned, crossing my arms in front of me. “You say that like you think I'm  schitzo or something.” He looked slowly up at me and my eyebrows lifted. “Wow. You think I’m crazy.” I laughed. “Unbelievable.”

 

I moved to grab my bag and his hand shot out, grabbing my wrist. “Stop.” He said. I pulled my wrist from him and looked up at where he was now standing. “I don’t think you’re crazy.”

 

“Liar. I can see it in your eyes. You don’t know whether to hold me or be scared of me.”

 

“That’s not it, Carm. But we’ve never talked about this. We have never talked about your...issues. Not really.”

 

“My issues!? You do think I’m crazy.” I went to push him out of the way so I could grab my bag when his arms wrapped around me, pulling me toward him as he hugged me to his chest.

 

“Calm down, Sweetheart. I’m sorry.” I felt my heart thumping in my ears as he spoke into my ear. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk. Don’t leave.”

 

I shut my eyes, listening to the sound of his breathing to calm myself down. He rubbed my back and hair soothingly, whispering words into my ear even though I couldn’t focus on what he was saying.

 

“Come here.” He moved us to the bed, pushing back the blankets and laying us down. He pulled me to his chest then tucked the blankets around us. “We don’t have to talk. I’m here, Sweetheart. I’m not going to leave you.”

 

We lay in his bed for what felt like hours. It may have been hours for all I know. I knew he was still awake because he hadn’t started snoring yet.

 

I ran my fingers in patterns across his chest, watching my fingers movements. I needed to be honest with him.

 

“I’m not schizophrenic-“

 

“I know you aren't.” He interrupted and I lifted my hand to cover his mouth.

 

“I need you to listen, okay? This might explain a few things.” He kissed my hand and moved it back down to his chest. “I don’t have schizophrenia. My therapist thinks that I have a personality disorder, but they don’t know what to label it yet. I'm moody, and erratic, like you said. I get scared for no reason. I see myself differently to how others see me. I get angry for no reason and sad the next. I don’t really understand yet what it all means but I do know what it means for you.” I lifted my head to look at him and he reached up, tucking my hair behind my ear. “Loving me isn’t easy, I know this. And it may never get easier. I may push you away. I may try and break up with you and say things I don’t mean. But if you want to be with me, if you choose to be with me, than I need for you to promise that you’ll never let me go.”

 

“I won't. Ever.” He ran his hands through my hair and I shook my head at him.

 

“No, Jen. I mean it. This won’t be the last time I break up with you. I will hurt you again. I will push you away. Because keeping you at arms length is safer than admitting how much you mean to me. So I need for you to promise me, no, swear to me, that you will never let me go.”

 

“I won't.  I’ll prove it to you.”

 

“How?”

 

He moved his hands from my hair to my face, and he smiled so gently I felt my heart flip. “Marry me.”

 

I sat up more looking down at him. “What?”

 

He sat up too, running his thumb over my cheek. “I want to spend the rest of forever with you. I’ll never let you go. Marry me, Carmen.”

 

And I forgot how to breathe.

 

_Today I had the breath stolen from my body, by the boy I never deserved, asking me to be his wife._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:
> 
> WOAH.
> 
> thanks to Kiss Orsolya and traceyaudette for commenting (sorry for making you guys sad.)
> 
> thanks for reading this trash yall ^_^
> 
> -R


	17. I Wanna See You Be Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Art class surprises, last show success and a ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify Story Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

**When We Were Young**

  1. **I Wanna See You Be Brave**



It had been three days since we sat on his bed, when he asked me a question I was not expecting, nor was I prepared to answer. I still hadn’t answered him. He didn’t push me, but I knew he was thinking about it. The unanswered question hanging between us every morning, at every lunch, at every performance and after every show. It hung between us in the evenings where we both lay awake, watching one another with unabashed adoration and unspoken fear that the other would change their mind and we'd lose one another again.

 

But to be his wife. We were so young. The thought of the future was terrifying. Jensens 18th would be upon us soon, followed by mine and Caleb’s a few weeks later. And then Caleb would leave. I felt like I’d barely seen him lately. I'd been so caught up in Jensen and the musical I hadn’t made time. I needed to because when Caleb left I had no idea when I’d see him next.

 

Friday rolled around, the final night of the show. We had to add an extra matinee show on the Thursday due to popularity so both Jensen and I were exhausted by the final show. But it was worth it. It had been a raging success. The crowds loved Jensen, even those who didn’t know him personally fell for him as soon as he walked on stage, tall, confident and striking. My Tony.

 

Friday morning arrived. I was clinging to him like a lifeline. Every time I looked at him I remembered what it was like feeling like I may never touch him again. Like he may never be in my arms again like he was right now. Both of us half naked in the soft morning light, wrapped around one another, his head on my bare chest. I ran my fingers through his hair, pressing gentle kisses to his forehead.

 

“I love you,” He whispered, his voice thick with sleep as he kissed me between my breasts, rolling onto his front, resting his chin on my right breast to look at me.

 

I smiled softly at him, my hand still rubbing soothingly through his hair. His eyes gently opening and closing with my hands movements. “Your hair is so soft.” I whispered to him and he chuckled lightly, kissing my chest again.

 

“No it’s not,” He grinned. “It’s rough and manly.”

 

I rolled my eyes at him and smiled, pulling my hand from his hair to stretch my arms. He took the advantage, wrapping his arms around my waist as he rolled onto his back, pulling me onto his chest so I was in the same position he had just been in.

 

He ran his fingers up my back, his eyes roaming down my naked torso, admiring me before I pressed my chest to his, half sprawled over him.

 

“Well good morning, Mr. Ackles.” I Iaughed, feeling how good of a morning it was through the evidence in his thin cotton pyjama pants.

 

He buried his face into my neck,  gently kissing me as he did so. “Well what do you expect? Waking up to my beautiful girlfriend half naked in my bed.”

 

I rolled my hips against him and he gripped my bottom with one hand, holding me against him. I pulled away, looking into his eyes. “We need to go to school.” He frowned up at me, shaking his head with his face scrunched up. Adorable.

 

“No, let’s stay here all day. They won’t miss us.” He reached up, kissing my lips even though I had full on morning breath. It didn’t seem to bother him. We started getting a little heated before I had to pull away again.

 

“We have to go. Shower time.” I pulled away from him, his hand that was still gripping my butt fell to the bed. He groaned at the loss of contact and kicked his legs, annoyed that I was making him get up.

 

“I'll make it a cold one.” Jensen groaned, shifting from the bed and heading to the bathroom. I felt bad but we really did have to get to school. I got changed, pulling on my jeans from the day before and one of Jensen’s hoodies over the top of one of his shirts. I liked wearing his clothes, I smelt like him all day.

 

I tied back my hair as Jensen came out of the bathroom and we got ready in comfortable silence.  He grabbed my hand as we left his house and headed to his car. He looked over at me as we drove, his eyes dancing down my figure as I sat with my right knee up to my chest. “What?”

 

He smiled at me. “You’re wearing my clothes.” He stated.

 

I snorted at him, “I always wear your clothes.”

 

“Not to school you don't.” We pulled into the school parking lot and I waited for him to collect me from the car.

 

“Well, for some annoying reason we have no classes together so I have to improvise okay?”

 

He put his arm over my shoulder as we made our way into the school building. “Hey, I’m not complaining. I think you look cute.”

 

“Cute.” I muttered, heading to my locker. I put my bag away and grabbed my books, turning and leaning back against my locker after I closed it. I watched Jensen at his locker across the hall and he turned, heading back over to me with his books. He grabbed my hand to walk me to homeroom and we passed a sign for the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

 

I stopped in my tracks and Jensen fell in step beside me. I still hadn’t asked him, not officially. I looked at the sign and then back at Jensen who was already looking at me, smirking knowingly.

 

“How about it?” I asked making him immediately start laughing. “What?” I laughed in return.

 

He was practically doubled over he was laughing so hard. “That’s just about the least romantic way you could ever ask me, Sweetheart.”

 

I wrapped my arm around his waist then and he calmed down, looking down at me. “Jensen? Sweetheart? Baby?”

 

He rolled his eyes but kept smiling at me. “Yes, Carm?”

 

“Will you do me the greatest honor of accompanying me to the dance?” I batted my eyelashes at him and he rolled his eyes again.

 

“You’re lucky I love you.” He laughed before kissing me passionately. “I would love to. Now let’s get you to class.”

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

School went on as usual until I entered Art class later that day, just before lunch. There were easels set up in a circle facing the middle of the class which was odd since we normally faced the front.

 

“What’s going on?” I asked Lydia as I took an easel beside hers, setting down my tool box of art supplies.

 

She shrugged but smirked a bit. “I’m not sure but we did something like this last year.”

 

Our art teacher Mrs. Isaac came in then, shushing everyone with a wave of her hand and a finger to her lips.

 

“So class, the time has come again where we get the chance to have a live model come in and pose for us. We're going to have him in for the next four classes so you can all finish a piece. You may use any material you wish and in any style.”

 

“Um, Mrs. Issac?” I asked putting my hand up slowly. “Is this model going to be like....naked?”

 

The class laughed and I shrugged, intimidated at what may be coming my way. “No, Carmen. By law that would be inappropriate.” She said, not an ounce of teasing in her tone. “He will be wearing shorts.” I bent down, opening my box to get my charcoal out. “If you’re all ready, I’ll bring him in. Jensen?”

 

I felt my mouth drop open as I looked up, spotting my boyfriend enter the room, his eyes finding mine as he smirked, walking towards the middle of the room. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” I said under my breath as I watched him.

 

He stopped and talked to Mrs. Isaac before taking his shirt off as he walked to the very centre of the room. He was facing towards me but he was no longer looking at me. He was focused on the back wall with his arms at his sides. He was shirtless. He was shirtless in my art class in front of a group of about 18 girls.

 

I tried to slow my breathing and shut my eyes because I thought I might pass out. _It’s okay. It’s just art. Jensen is a model. It’s okay._ I tried to convince myself and I let my eyes open again.

 

I didn’t dare look up at him. I looked at everyone around me and they were all drawing already. I grabbed a piece of charcoal which I usually chose to draw with and lifted it to the paper on the easel. I then looked up at Jensen.

 

I didn’t meet his eyes, but I could feel him watching me. I focused on his shoulders and arms, sketching out the muscles and strength I knew all too well. I had sketched him before but never with him standing in front of me. I usually drew him from memory.

 

But now our entire class could sketch him from memory too. I felt irrationally angry. I had no reason to be. He often ran around in the same clothes he was in now while he practiced basketball or got sweaty during gym class.

 

But this was different. How? I don’t know. But it felt different to me. I kept drawing, feeling my strokes getting more and more erratic. I stopped, taking a breath as I clasped my hands on my lap, covering my fingers in charcoal.

 

“Sweetheart?” I heard Jensen ask out loud, still standing in the middle of the room.

 

I shook my head, rubbing the skin of my hand gently. “I’m okay.” I said softly but I knew he could hear me. I felt a hand cover mine and I knew it was Jensen without even looking up. “I’m okay.” I said again, shaking his hand off me. I looked up at him, finding his eyes, full of concern. “I’m not going to freak out. I’m okay. Go back to your modelling.” I controlled my voice, releasing my hands which I knew was why he was so worried.

 

Jensen sighed visibly and nodded, going back to his place. Mrs. Isaac came up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, Carmen? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. He wanted to surprise you.”

 

I nodded, forcing a smile as I looked up at her. “I’m okay.”

 

We went about class and I finished a few sketches, focusing my drawings on his mouth, neck and shoulder area. The bell rang for lunch and I took a breath, thankful that I got through it.

 

“Class, let’s thank Jensen for modelling for us today.” The class thanked him in unison but I was occupied putting my drawings away, tidying up my charcoal.

 

I grabbed my box and moved towards the door. I felt a hand on my arm and stopped looking up into green eyes again.

 

“Can we talk?” Jensen asked and I looked away.

 

“Yeah. Yeah we can. Walk me to my locker?” He took my art box from me and pulled my hand into his with the other. Thankfully he had put his shirt on again.

 

We walked in silence to my locker, Jensen stopped to say hi to a few of his teammates on the way. I put my art box away and grabbed my bag and books for my last class.

 

“So?” I asked him, leaning back against my locker. “That was one hell  of a surprise Jensen.”

 

He had the good sense to look guilty, gently blushing as he shoved a hand in his pocket. “I’m sorry. I honestly thought you’d get a kick out of it. I didn’t think you’d get upset Sweetheart.”

 

I shrugged, feeling guilty myself. “I don’t even know why I freaked out so much. I’ve seen you in less and you're  shirtless during practice. I don’t know. I just saw you walk in and I started freaking out. I guess I don’t do well with surprises.” I reached out for him, needing his comfort and he wrapped himself around me, instinctively knowing exactly what I wanted from him.

 

He kissed my forehead softly. “I’m sorry Sweetheart. I’ll keep that in mind. Are you hungry?”

 

  * * * * * * * * * *



 

Closing night had arrived. Our last show. Our families were all coming out to see it tonight and needless to say they were all very excited. Jensen picked me up early since we had to go through hair and makeup. I was more nervous for this show then the others because it had been so long since my family had seen me on a stage like this. And Jensens family had never seen me on a stage like this.

 

The show was sold out and I could hear the audience buzzing from where I sat in the green room with Jensen. “They’re loud tonight.” I said to him, his thumb rubbing my wrist soothingly.

 

“They’re excited I imagine. I know my parents are. Mackenzie’s practically beside herself.”

 

I swallowed a thick lump in my throat, leaning my head over to rest in the crook of his neck.

 

“Are you okay, Carm?” He whispered into my ear. I nodded into his neck and I felt him kiss the top of my head. “This is the last time you have to do this. I’ll be with you the entire way. Just think of me. Do this for me.”

 

I moved my head so I could look into his eyes. The eyes I fell in love with. The eyes I was still in love with. The eyes I would love forever. “I would do anything for you.”

 

“And I you. I love you so much.” He leaned in to kiss me just as Ms. Leslie entered the room, rousing everyone with a pep talk before we took to the stage for the last time.

 

And I did as Jensen said. I thought of him. I clung to him. And we nailed it. It went off without a hitch. I put more energy and more emotion into this performance than any of the others and it showed. Half the cast and crew were in tears when I came off stage, grabbing a tissue to wipe my face. And Jensen was there, pulling me into a tight embrace as he had done so all the other times before this one.

 

As I walked out onto the stage for our last curtain call, the crowd was on their feet, the emotions they were sending my way overtook me as I burst into tears in Jensen’s arms. “You’re so brave. So brave, Sweetheart. It’s all over.” He whispered into my ear.

 

Ms. Leslie came out onto stage and one of the crew members came out handing her a bunch of flowers. She grabbed a microphone off someone and began to speak to everyone.

 

“I would just like to take a moment to thank all of these wonderful students both on stage and behind the scenes for their commitment to this production and to their parts they played in putting this together. From the costumers to the makeup artists to the chorus to the lead actors and stage hands. You have all gone over and above what any of us were expecting and this has all been a testament to all of y'all, not me. I’d also like to thank our two main leads here,” She said turning to both Jensen and I. I was tucked closely into Jensens side, his grip on me comforting and needed. “Our Tony, Jensen Ackles and our Maria, Carmen Guilford.” I began to blush and hid my face against Jensen again when everyone applauded. “We really lucked out when these two walked into this auditorium to audition together, as you might be able to tell they are a couple in real life,” I bought my face up as Jensen leant down to kiss me quickly earning a few wolf whistles, “And I think it’s that connection that they share that has made this show what it is. So I would personally like to thank you both for your effort and commitment to this project and hope for many bright things in both of your futures.”

 

We left the stage and I was in a daze. Jensen helped me back to my dressing room and he left me to organize my thoughts and emotions. I was halfway through taking off my makeup when there was a knock at the door.

 

“Come in?” I looked over at Kelly who shrugged, heading into the adjoining bathroom to shower. The door clicked open and Ms. Leslie came in, followed by a male and female in their late 30s, early 40s. Neither did I recognize.

 

“Carmen, I have a few visitors I’d like to introduce you to.” Ms. Leslie smiled, looking nervous as ever.  “This is Michelle August and Jason Knotts of MADA in New York.”

 

I looked between them all, confused. “MADA?” I asked, embarrassed that I didn’t even know what that was.

 

Michelle smiled at me, reaching her hand out to me. “Musical and Drama Academy. We’re based in New York. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Carmen.”

 

I felt the tension rise in my chest but I shook her hand anyway. “Nice to meet you.”

 

Jason held his hand out to me also. “Have you any thoughts of what you would like to do once you graduate, Carmen?” He asked after shaking my hand.

 

I clasped my hands, unsure of where this was going. “Um, my boyfriend and I had talked about staying around Dallas. Maybe going to TSU or something in a year after we save some money.”

 

Michelle smiled, searching my eyes. “Your teacher here has told us a lot about you and insisted that we got out here to see you perform. And you did not disappoint, Carmen. You have a real talent.”

 

“Thank you for coming all this way.” I blushed.

 

“We didn’t just come for a show, Carmen.” Jason smiled. “We came to see if you would like to join us in New York. We’d like to offer you a position at our academy.”

 

I took a few moments to take in what they said. “What about Jensen?”

 

They both laughed softly and looked to Ms. Leslie. “You were right,” Michelle said. “Carmen, this offer is for you. Jensen is talented, don’t get me wrong but we believe his look is more suitable for camera work or modelling. But you, you belong on a stage.”

 

_I belong with Jensen._

I listened to there offer and they left me with a large envelope of information before they left. They had offered me a scholarship. And I knew I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t leave Jensen. I shoved the envelope into the bottom of my backpack and continued to change out of my costume and get back to looking more like myself. I pushed the envelope and the offer to the back of my mind and continued about my evening.

 

We met our families out front who were crying and gushing over us and we decided to go to an after party at Matt’s house. Our families decided to go to the diner but we ate before the show so Jensen decided to drop me at my house while he went and got ready then he would come back and pick me up.

 

I had already showered so I changed into a red dress and pulled my denim jacket on over the top, lacing my converse up before tying back my hair and applying minimal makeup. I heard a racket outside my balcony door so I went to investigate. I opened the door hearing Jensen's voice cussing loudly.

 

“What in the world?” I laughed, leaning over the side to find him climbing up the trellis as he'd done so many times before.

 

“No, go inside. I was going to surprise you.” He waved his hand at me.

 

“Giving me a heart attack more like.” I laughed. Reaching out to help him over as he fell into a heap on my balcony. “You know, you could just use the front door.”

 

“I was trying to be romantic.” He grinned producing a bouquet of my favourite flowers from the back of his pants. They were slightly smashed now but the sentiment was still cute.

 

“Aw, thank you. I’m ready to go when you are.”

 

“Wait,” He reached into his inside jacket pocket, hiding something behind his back. “There’s one more thing I want to give you.”

 

“What is it?” I asked curiously, smirking at my boyfriend who suddenly seemed nervous.

 

“My grandmother gave it to me. At Christmas actually. She’s always been a little pushy. You’ve met her, you know what I mean.” He shrugged making me laugh and nodded the affirmative. First time I met her she asked me how many great grandkids we were going to have.  “I didn’t think I would be using this so soon but my Dad said when you know, you just know. He knew with my mom. And I know with you.” He met my eyes and I watched him swallow. And then be fell to one knee.

 

I jumped back, covering my mouth with my hand and a gasp.

 

He help up a ring box, his hands shaking as he struggled to keep his breathing even and his eyes on mine. “Carmen, I have loved you since the moment you sat next to me in church. You are my best friend and my favourite person. I know we're only young, but I know that you’re the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with you, Sweetheart.” He was getting teary which gave me no chance and the tears came down fast and thick. “I want to be by your side through whatever may come our way. I swear to protect you, and care for you, and love you and I will never ever let you go.”

 

He reached up to pull my hand from my mouth, shaking the ring free from the box before it hit the floor.

 

“So Carmen, say you’ll never let me go too? Marry me?” He looked so hopeful. My beautiful boyfriend. My Jensen.

 

And I nodded, without a second thought. “Yes, yes Jensen I’ll marry you.”

 

His eyes closed with relief and he slid the ring on my finger, standing up and embracing me so tightly I knew without a doubt he would never let me go.

 

_Today I got two offers of a lifetime, but only one I could accept. Today, Jensen and I got engaged._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n:
> 
> thanks to traceyaudette and Kiss Orsolya for the comments.
> 
> thanks for all the kudos.
> 
> hope youre all still with me.
> 
> -R


	18. 18. I Cannot Seem To Operate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Valentine's Day.
> 
> But it's not all smooth sailing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exactly a year after my last update here's a new one. Hope you're still there.

Spotify Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1253372708/playlist/3m0QNm1QPmpL0ejW0vIUxJ

 

When We Were Young

18\. I Cannot Seem To Operate

I looked at the silver band with the simple circular diamond in the middle, shining in the light coming through my balcony doors. It was small, like me. And it fit perfectly. A sure sign I had made the right decision. I felt different, although I wasn't sure just why. Life went on as usual. We went to school, we ate breakfast with our families, we ate lunch in the cafeteria with our friends and did our homework in one of our rooms. We slept beside one another, falling asleep in one another's arms and it was like normal. But we both knew it wasn't. We were engaged. Promised to one another forever.

Forever.

It didn't take long for us to tell our parents. We waited until church on Sunday and sprung a surprise lunch on them at Jensen's house. No one was all that surprised, although my mother did cry. Her baby was growing up in front of her eyes. Caleb laughed, hugging us both before punching Jensen's shoulder, threatening that if he ever hurt me, he'd come back from wherever he was and put him in his place.

Jensen's family were just as excited. Especially Mackenzie. She was beyond thrilled to finally have a sister to take her side on things. We decided not to have an engagement party. We didn't know when we would be getting married but we both knew it wouldn't be for awhile. This was forever so there was really no rush.

I didn't tell Jensen about the offer from MADA. I didn't see the point. But Jensen had gotten an agent from the shows and after getting some professional headshots taken was excited about future work and opportunities. They were of course undeniably perfect. He was flourishing, and it sure was a sight to see.

The next exciting calendar event was Valentine's Day, which also meant, the Sadie Hawkins Dance. I was excited myself, which was a rare feeling for me. Our little friend group had all paired up. My friend Katie had asked Caleb and he had said yes which was the cutest thing ever. Lydia had asked Scott, of course. Kelly had asked Matt, both our co-stars from West Side Story who had both become very close friends of ours and one another. And I, of course, was going with Jensen. It had all worked out.

Jensen and I decided to drive into downtown Dallas, to the mall, to find outfits the night before the dance. We'd both just been so busy throughout the weeks prior with study and Jensen's sports we just hadn't had the time. Also as January had left us, the weather was warming up so it was time for something new. The theme of course was to wear red and I only had the one red dress I wore at Christmas. I wouldn't be surprised if Jensen showed up in a red suit from head to toe. He'd probably wear a hat too. He was never one to shy away from a costume opportunity, a born actor that one.

Jensen picked me up early, knocking me from my ring admiring revelry. He was leaning casually against my door frame, one foot kicked casually behind the other as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully, his arms crossed lazily in front of him.

I smiled sheepishly, pulling my sleeve down to cover my hand, just the tips of my fingers showing. "What?" I asked although I already knew that look. He'd caught me in this position numerous times before. My eyes on my ring, my face probably a whole mixture of emotions. Oh Jensen, I don't care what my face says as long as my eyes say I love you. 

I climbed up off the bed, crossing the distance between us and before I had reached him he had lifted his hands, bringing me to his chest as he had so many times before, and will continue to do forever. "You were staring at your ring again." He whispered, pressing a light kiss to the top of my head.

I shrugged against him, my arms wrapping around him. My arms say I Love You. "I was admiring it, Jensen." I craned my head to look at him, my chin on his chest. "I adore it, and you." 

He smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm so in love with you." He spoke with a tone I hadn't heard in a while. "You have no idea." He ran his hand down my hair, tucking it behind my ear gently. 

"I know you love me Jensen." I reached up, kissing the skin of his neck that was showing from under his light jumper. "I love you. Always."

He pushed me back, his eyes searching mine for a moment. A sad almost regretful look passed across his features making my eyebrows furrow. "What?" I took a step back and the look disappeared, a smile replacing his previously darkened look. I hated that look. And I hate that he tried to hide it from me.

"It's nothing you need to worry about." He took my hand in his, beaming down at me, making me believe everything was okay. "Have you got everything?"

I wasn't convinced, obviously. I knew Jensen well enough to know that, but I went along with it, knowing well enough that if I really needed to know he would tell me. And that if he wasn't, it was probably for my own good. After school he had dropped me off and gone off somewhere, claiming he needed to talk to Scott about something. It was all very cryptic.

We left my house, waving a swift goodbye to my family. As soon as he'd started the car he turned up the radio, drowning us in slow rock ballads all the way into downtown Dallas. I tried not to worry. Why wasn't he talking? Why wasn't he sharing? I snuck looks over at him, he looked distant. Concerned about something he wouldn't share. He helped me out of the truck once we got to the mall and he held my hand tightly, leading me inside and through the crowds. He was using the malls hustle and bustle to his advantage.

He guided me through the crowds, keeping me close to his side but still distant enough that he hoped I wouldn't notice. He distracted me, showing me outfit after outfit, dress after dress. I didn't really care. I wanted to know why my world had a weight on his shoulders. Jensen was much more into fashion than I was anyway. I knew what I liked and what I didn't, but I wasn't particularly daring in my style choices. "Did you want to choose something for me, Jen?" I asked him as we'd left yet another store empty handed.

I let his hand go and he didn't notice at first until he said something to me, and I didn't respond. He stopped, turning his head until he spotted me a few meters back. He frowned, crossing back the distance towards me. "Why did you stop?"

I shook my head at him. "I asked you a question, and you kept walking. I'm gunna ask you another one now because you're getting on my nerves, Ackles. Would you care to share what's been bothering you all night? Why you've been here but not really here?"

He took a few breaths and then smirked at me. "That was two questions, Sweetheart."

I scoffed, shook my head and walked past him. 

"Baby, baby wait," He was laughing at me now as he chased me down and into yet another clothing store. I just wanted to find something so we could go home. "Baby," He grabbed my arm, turning me around to face him. His face dropped when he saw the look I was giving him. He took his hand back, holding his hands up in front of him as a surrender. "Hey look, I'm sorry."

I shook my head, thoroughly frustrated with the way my normally overly honest boyfriend was acting. "No, don't be sorry. I don't want you to be sorry." I stepped closer to him, looking up into the greenest eyes. "Jensen, I love you. We're supposed to be getting married and I can tell you're keeping something from me. If you're trying to protect me that's fine, I get it, and I'm thankful that you're trying to protect me. But you're concerned, and your distant, and that's affecting me. So either be here, and be present or tell me what's going on!"

He stared at me for several moments, blinking at me. 

After he didn't say anything for long enough I pulled my hand up, waving it in front of his face. "Hello?" 

His face broke out into a full on grin and he groaned, looking up at the ceiling. "Just when I think I have you figured out, my shy girlfriend who could barely say two words to me many months ago, just told me off in the middle of quite a busy mall." He reached out, pulling me to him once I realised he was right. We were surrounded by strangers. I clung to him and felt him laughing under my touch, my body wrapping around his. "It's okay beautiful. I don't think anyone noticed."

I looked up at him, my chin resting on his chest. He ran his hand down my hair, gazing back at me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you."

He chuckled again, pressing a small sweet kiss to the end of my nose. "Don't say sorry. I'm the one who's sorry. I have been distant. But it's nothing you need to worry about, sweetheart. I'm here." He leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips and pulled away, smiling down at me, this time the smile reached his eyes. "Let's go and find you a knockout dress."

And we did.

Valentines day rolled around and I had to admit, for someone who hated spotlight or anything that could bring unwanted attention, I was really quite excited. The girls had decided to come and get ready at my place since I had my own bathroom and we decided to start as soon as school let out.

"So I'll pick you up at 6?" Jensen asked me in-between kisses as he said goodbye to me in his new favourite way, pressed against the side of his car between the passenger door and his warm body.

He kissed me again, running his fingers through my ponytail.

I pulled away, partially to answer him but also to catch my breath, the boy was relentless sometimes. "6 is perfect." He leaned in for another kiss and I turned my head, "Jensen the girls will be here any second, you have to go meet the boys at yours."

He frowned at me, a smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. "Don't talk about the boys while I'm trying to kiss on you, woman!"

I began to laugh as Kelly pulled up behind Jensen's truck. The girls climbed out, along with my brother who was walking over to us with a look of disgust on his face. 

"Jensen, stop eating my sister. Let's go, the boys are almost there." Caleb moved me off the door, climbing into Jensen's truck. I laughed, poking my tongue out at him.

"You'd better get going." I said, giving Jensen a quick hug. He held me tighter to him before letting me go, pouting his swollen lips at me. "Don't do that. I'll see you in a few hours."

He sighed, pulling my hand into his. "I'll see you soon. Happy Valentines Day, baby!" He hollered before climbing into his truck. I waved to him and Caleb as they pulled away heading off to Jensen's.

I got ready with my girls, pinning my hair up high in a mess of curls that Lydia had done for me with her curling iron. Minutes away from 6pm I stood in front of the mirror in my bedroom, smoothing down the floor length red dress Jensen had chosen for me. It clung to me, something I wasn't used to. I normally would have gone for something more demure, something looser, but Jensen swore that this dress was the one. 

"Wow." Kelly spoke, standing behind me with the Lydia and Katie. "That's some dress." She said, eyeing me up.

I felt stupid all of a sudden. I crossed my arms over my chest which was more on show than it had ever been. The dress was so tight I couldn't wear a bra. "It's too much isn't it. I can change." I moved to head into my closet when Lydia reached out for my wrist.

"Don't you dare! You look gorgeous, Carmen! It's just...has Jensen see you in this yet? With the shoes and everything?" she asked, trying to hide the concern but it wasn't working.

I shook my head, glancing down at my black velvet heels, peeking out through the slit sitting half way up my lower leg. "No, I was too shy to show him at the store."

Lydia nodded, planting a smile on her face. The doorbell rang, making my insides twist. "Don't worry. You look gorgeous." Katie said, and I met her eyes in the mirror. They were all smiling at me reassuringly. It didn't help. I looked at myself again. I look ridiculous.

They all headed out, dressed in knee length dresses in various shades of red. They were all covered and I was exposed. Exposed to the elements and to the eyes of everyone.

I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to figure out a way that I could disappear or get out of having to go to this stupid dance to begin with.

I turned towards the door when I noticed someone familiar filling up the doorway. My Jensen. His jaw was on the floor and he was holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand, seemingly forgotten. "I can change." I stuttered out, turning to move to my closet once again when I felt his hand at my waist.

"Don't, don't move." He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me to him, the flowers abandoned on the floor. "You look..." He ran his hand up my bare neck, looking over my face and body wistfully, admirably.

"Ridiculous, I now. It's too much."

He grinned, looking in my eyes as he tucked a wayward curl behind my ear. "No sweetheart. You look stunning." His hand then trailed down my neck and shoulder, down the side of my chest and waist to my hip where he pulled me hard against him, showing me just how much he enjoyed seeing me like this. 

"Oh." I moaned out, lifting my hands to the lapels of his red blazer, needing something to hold onto.

His green eyes were on fire, tearing holes in me. I would give him anything at that moment, having him look at me like I was the only person in the world.

"God, Carmen." He leaned down, pressing his open mouth to mine as he captured a loud groan I didn't expect to make. He kissed me like he never would again and it shook me to my core. Why did I get the feeling something was going to go wrong?

I hate my intuition sometimes. From a very young age I was always able to tell when something was wrong, when something was out of the ordinary, when something bad was going to happen.

I ran out of the gym an hour later, holding the straps of my dress up as Jensen and our friend group chased me out. I was terrified. I hated this school and everyone in it. I hated teenagers and their need to be so cruel.

I hated my friends for letting me believe I was okay in this dress, that I could keep my innocence in this dress.

I hated Jensen for telling me I was stunning. I hated that he couldn't keep me safe. 

I was running, my eyes blurred with tears and I tripped on the curb, falling onto the pavement, my dress ripping underneath me as I caught myself with my hands that were now undoubtedly grazed. I sobbed, the moisture from my face falling to the concrete underneath me. My broken dress straps falling down, completely exposing my upper half to the cool night air.

My shoulders shook and I felt something hit my shoulders, covering me. "Get away!" I screamed, smelling the familiar smell. It was Jensen.

"I won't touch you." He choked, "I won't touch you, sweetheart."

I craned my head to back to look at him. His heart broke a little more when he saw my face. "Is this what you wanted Jensen?"

He shook his head. "No baby. I'm so sorry."

I shook my head back at him. "This is...this is how you wanted me to be perceived. You bought me this dress. You knew...you knew this would happen."

"Please, sweetheart, no. You have to tell me what happened. I can fix this." 

"Fix this!?" I stood up, pulling his jacket around me so I wasn't so exposed, at least not physically. "You can't fix me, Jensen. I thought we figured that out a long time ago. I can't be fixed."

"You're not broken, Carmen!"

"I'm not a toy, Jensen!" I was shouting. I hated hearing myself like this. "You let everyone in school believe that we were having sex. You let everyone believe that the rumors were true. That Travis had his way with me and that you let him."

"I didn't start those rumors."

"You didn't stop them either! You let your pride get in the way! You didn't want everyone in school to think that you could get engaged to a girl you've never had before." I stepped closer to him. "You let me wear this dress, and these stupid shoes, and walk into that hall looking like a whore!"

"You don't..."

"I DO! AND TRAVIS ATTACKING ME IN THE GIRLS BATHROOM PROVED THAT!" I tore Jensen's jacket off my shoulders, throwing it at him. "You say you're always protecting me, that you only want to protect me. Why couldn't you protect me from him? Why couldn't you protect me from you." I pulled my top up, looking over at my brother. "Take me home, Caleb."

I blamed Jensen. I blamed myself.

I blamed the dress and the stupid shoes.

I blamed my friends for letting me out like this.

I blamed my parents for telling me I looked beautiful.

Why didn't I blame Travis?

Today I went to my first dance. 

It may have destroyed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Easing back in. Stick with me.


End file.
